Friday, September 30, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
At Jadyn's 2-week check-up yesterday, it was discovered that she has actually lost weight. I thought I'd been feeding her often enough and long enough, but apparently that's not the case. My heart broke when I saw the "diagnosis" on the sheet I was given: Failure To Thrive. When I saw this, I felt like it really meant "Bad Mother". I have been instructed to feed her every 2 hours for at least 30 minutes total. Yes, that means I will become an upright milk cow. Thankfully, during the night it will be every 4 hours, so I can catch a hint of sleep. On Friday we'll go back and see how she's doing. Please pray she picks up weight, because I am really stressed out by this.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
I had to think about that. You know, it really is crazy. How come the physical ability to bear a child negates the need to check for fit parenthood? Just cause my "plumbing" functioned, that doesn't mean I'll be the kind of mother I should. Shouldn't they have stopped us at the door of the hospital and checked our mental and emotional stability BEFORE the checked to see if we had a proper car seat?
I have friends who have adopted, either domestically or internationally, and it is amazing how much paperwork they had to go through just to be approved for consideration. We even went down that road ourselves for a little while, and it was amazing how much there was to do. But then we got pregnant, and no one asked us to do a home study or fill out a survey about our relationship or anything. No one checked to make sure I was eating properly or taking my vitamins or keeping my doctor appointments. They didn't call to confirm that we'd gone through childbirth classes or read up on all the latest parenting wisdom. Then she was born, and after just a few days in the hospital, they said, "Yep, she looks good, here ya go!" And off we went. Oh my gosh, how did they know we aren't stark raving lunatics? (I mean, ALL the time.)
To all my friends who've adopted, kudos to you for going through the red tape to become parents. I have no idea why there's this strange assumption that working biology equals the right to be a parent, but if you've had to run the bureaucratic gauntlet to bring home your own child, hats off to you!
Monday, September 19, 2005
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
You know, I type that sentence with such ease, but truthfully, it was NOT an easy process. My water broke Friday night, so off to the hospital we went (after my dear hubby finished an hour's worth of work). Upon arrival, when my doctor found I was not contracting on my own, he hooked me up to pitocin, the devil's drug. On and on the contractions came, but no dilation. So after he kept upping the dosage, I got some stadol to help deal with the pain. Still no dilation. Up went the pitocin. I gave up and got the epidural, which wasn't as bad as I thought. The worst part was having to stay still during the contractions so he could put the thing in. I was literally shaking from the pain. That was around 2:30 AM, and I was only dilated 2 cm. Around 4:30 I had dilated no further, and we decided that it looked like a c-section. The baby was pretty much stuck on some little bones in my pelvis. We made the final decision about 6 AM and at 8 AM I was wheeled into the operating room. She was born and pretty much wisked away for her check-up. Thankfully I got to catch a fleeting glimpse of her and hear the pediatrician say she looked good (over the sounds of her crying).
Anyway, I'm recovering from a delivery that pretty much went completely the opposite of everything I wanted, but in the end, I still have a beautiful baby. Now I see how utterly ridiculous it was of me to bother with a birth plan. Next time, my birth plan will be one word only: c-section.
Oh, here's a picture of my angel child:
Friday, September 09, 2005
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Then there's the sheer miracle that we got all our furniture in our house. The movers came today, and while there were a few things that were damaged, all in all, it's not too bad. I keep reminding myself that at least I'm not stuck in the Astrodome with no hope of finding a home any time soon. Things could truly be FAR worse.
And finally, I think that I'm pretty much ready to have this baby. I mean, I'm sure there are thousands of ways I'm NOT ready, but for all practical purposes, I have everything done that really NEEDS to be done before she gets here.
It really is all going to be ok.
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
- if I'm going to go into labor any second now.
- if I'll be able to get through labor and delivery without swearing like a sailor.
- if I am going to rip stem to stern and need to sit on a pillow for the next month.
- how my sweet hubby Paul is going to handle seeing me in the throes of labor.
- if my parents will arrive (yes, thank God, they're coming on Thursday) in time.
- how my sweet pets (3 cats & a dog) are going to handle the big homecoming.
- what on earth this baby will look like.
- how much she is going to weigh, and exactly what is that going to do to me.
- if I'm ever going to sleep again.
- how I'll emotionally respond to someone being so completely dependent on me for EVERYTHING.
- what kinds of grandparents my parents are going to be.
- if this baby is going to like me.
- what kind of personality she'll have.
- how on earth I'll deal with working after having a baby - even though I'm blessed to work only part-time and mostly from home.
- if I'll be able to breastfeed.
- if I have all the gear I'm really going to need to make this work.
- if I have the emotional maturity and stability I'm going to need to make this work.
- how this is going to change my relationship with Paul.
- if I'll ever want sex again.
- if I'll want any other children after going through this.
- how many diapers I'll go through in a day, and if I have enough in stock for the first month or two.
- if this is going to change my relationship with my friends.
- if ANYTHING is ever going to seem the same.
- if I'm going to be even the least little bit sorry I've been praying for a baby for 4 1/2 years.
I know, pretty blatant and honest, huh? Well, if you can't be honest with your blog-reading friends, who CAN you be honest with?
Sunday, September 04, 2005
- No, I'm not really ready. We still have one more big phase of this move that will not happen until Wednesday. That's when the professional movers come and get all the stuff we couldn't get ourselves or with the help of friends. (By the way, a huge THANK YOU to all who have helped us during this crazy time!) In all the absolutely necessary ways I suppose I am ready, but there's lots I feel I won't get to in time. This leads me to the answer to the next question....
- Yes, I can wait. Honestly, as the reality of motherhood approaches at what seems to be light speed, I'm scared to death of labor & delivery, and how radically this is going to change me and my life. I don't think I'd mind if this baby came a full week late.
- I'm feeling excited, scared, thankful, anxious, awkward, happy and tense. These varying emotions run through me at a rate of about one per second. Physically I'm feeling like there's someone inside me who wants to get out. She's running out of room in there, after all, and growing by the day.
- The doctor says (or at least said, at my last appointment) that I'm not dilated and he'll "let me go" another week. Of course, I won't even be at my due date for another week, and I am giving no indications that I'll need to be induced before then. He also says everything is fine.
- Take a good look at me. Do I have a newborn in my arms? Is my belly still protruding rather roundly? Am I still waddling? What do YOU think?!
At least on a blog I can be sarcastic without offending the well-intentioned folks who just want to show they care and are mostly reduced to the trite questions everyone asks at this stage of pregnancy.