Walled Out

Isolation is a form of punishment. It's used in our corrections facilities all over the world. "Solitary confinement," we call it. Remove all human contact. It's not really just punishment, it's torture.

There's a different kind of isolation. A person can be in a room full of people and still be completely alone. It's just as torturous.

Sometimes we do it to ourselves. We wall off our hearts, keeping others at a distance. This is supposed to protect us from possible hurt inflicted by others, but it doesn't. We blame others for our isolation. Our hard-shelled hearts whither inside.

Sometimes we are relegated to isolation by those around us. Plans are made that don't include us. Friendly chatter stops when we walk by. And our souls ache at the exclusion.

I am finally coming out of my own wall. While I use caution when sharing with some people about some topics, I am gradually letting the shell fall away from my heart. God is opening me up.

At the same time, I find myself being shut out of certain situations. It's terribly painful to be in a room full of people and be purposefully excluded from conversation. This is the kind of thing that tempts me to rebuild my wall, to fortify it. "You don't want me? Fine, then I don't want you either." When my efforts to engage go completely unanswered, I feel no motivation to continue trying. I don't want to intentionally open myself up to that kind of pain.

God is here with me, behind the wall built by someone other than myself. I'm waiting for Him to show me what to do with it.

So. When you're hidden by a wall of your own making or of others', how do you respond?

Geeking Out

I have lately been telling people that I'm a geek girl. That doesn't mean I can fix your WiFi or make a new template for your blog, though eventually I'd like to get to that point. I'm referring more to my entertainment preferences. I'm not exactly your "normal" girl when it comes to movies, TV and even some books.

For instance, I saw "The Day the Earth Stood Still" the weekend it came out. I ONLY see big movies on the big screen. Flicks like "Four Christmases" will wait for rental - or even TV. They are just the same on the small screen so I save my theater time for movies that warrant it.

If I have to choose between a rerun of Sex and the City and an episode of BattleStar Galactica, BSG will win 95% of the time.

I have never read Wuthering Heights. I read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker series in it's entirety at least 3 times.

I used to try to be more girly. Go see the "have-to" chick flicks, pay attention to "What Not to Wear, etc. But I realized I'm not really like that. But I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, I may occasionally catch the latest romantic comedy while spending time with my circle of girlfriends. But that's about being with the people, not seeing the movie. When left to my own preferences, I'll take The Matrix over The Break-Up.

I have finally decided that I like this about myself. And be forewarned: I'm likely to get more geeky as time goes on.

Maybe Tomorrow...

What is the mystique of New Year's Day? Why do we mark this as the time we will finally be more healthy, giving, loving, spiritual, whatever? If tomorrow we will essentially be the same biologically, financially, intellectually, etc, why do we put so much attention on one specific day that is nothing more than the turning of a calendar page?

One word. Hope.

We hope that we can change. We hope that things will get better. We hope for the life we have not yet encountered.

I enter this year full of hope on so many fronts. Yes, I want to see change in the normal, almost cliched areas. I want to lose weight and get healthy. Finally get a better grip on the budget instead of it gripping us. Be more loving to my family. Have more regular "quiet time" with God.

But there are also some specific things I am praying for this year. I want to not just get pregnant but STAY pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I want to find more ways to answer God's call on my life to minister through creativity. I want to encounter God more and let others encounter Him through me.

He is the only way we made it through 2008. And it's to Him I look with hope for the coming year.

2008 Rewind (AKA Why I'm Glad It's Almost Over)

It's been kind of a rough year for Chez Crazy. God has been faithful and I'm sure it's all been "for my good" (a la Romans 8:28), but in many ways I'm glad to be saying goodbye to this year. Let's recap:

January

• Got the news that I was being laid-off from my dream job as part-time administrative/creative director for my church. Budget cuts, not merit related, but painful and stressful all the same.
• Found out I was pregnant. This was stressful due to my lack of employment, but after years of trying to conceive (and having already endured a miscarriage 3 months earlier) it was joyful.

February

• Had a miscarriage. Yeah, that sucked. I didn't talk to God for a while.
• Looked for a job.

March

• Looked for a job.
• Had several interviews. Was deemed the 2nd choice for 2 positions. (Yeah, first loser.)
• Put together a multimedia presentation for Easter to the song "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd. (I still love my church.)
  

April

• Was called back on both 2nd choice positions within 24 hours. The lower-paying community college position (temp to hire) was a more definite hire than the other soft drink industry position that paid $10K more a year. Took the college job.

May

• Liked the job ok. Missed my dream job a LOT.
• Put Jadyn in full-time daycare. Thankful she adjusted, sad that she had to.
  

June

• Took a trip with the family to see relatives and old friends. Viciously fought the impulse to stay in PA and tell life in Mississippi to take a flying leap.

July

• Was brought onto the college payroll permanently. Hello, benefits.

August

• Stressed about money.
  
• Turned 37 years old. Really missed my dream job.

September

• Stressed about money.
• Life was interrupted by husband's severe cellulitus.
• Witnessed true community as church family supported us during the illness.
  
• Celebrated Jadyn's 3rd birthday.

October

• Had strep throat. The ability to swallow is far too under-appreciated.
  
• Prayed hard for friends in a very difficult situation.
• Stressed about money.
• Applied for better paying jobs.

November

• Stressed about work.
  
• Had an interview for a university job paying significantly more.
• Had a second interview for said job.
• Wrote a Christmas skit for church.
  

December

• Was 2nd choice for university job.
• Decided to trust God more about money.
• Saw God provide.
• Got involved in planning for a new church outreach.
  
• Performed Christmas skit at church.
  
• Dealt with a recurrence of cellulitis over Christmas.
• Spent time enjoying my daughter.
  

Coming up next, what I'm looking forward to about 2009. Stay tuned.

Christmas Passed

Normally by this time of year I am just about to jump out of my skin with excitement. I have always adored Christmas in a way that often bewilders and even bothers my darling spouse. I start listening to carols and working on gift lists by the time the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.

This year something isn't quite there for me. Maybe it's because for the first time since becoming a mother, I'm working full time. I don't feel like I can give enough focus to the holiday. Maybe it's because in spite of my working full time, we are feeling the crunch of ends not meeting the way they should. Maybe it's because this has simply been a difficult year in lots of ways for me and I'm worn out.

But I think it's something else.

Something in me has fast-forwarded. Mentally I feel like it's going to slip by so fast that I've almost counted it as over already. Instead of savoring every minute, I mourn it's passing. I know that soon it will be finished - the gifts open, the carols gone, the food eaten, the pictures uploaded. Then will begin the long slow towards Spring. Because I dread the time when Christmas is over, I can't enjoy it's happening.

I've got to stop, look around, take a breath, find the beauty in the now. This Christmas will only happen once. I don't want to miss it.

Unavoidable

Even the fictional character in the book I'm reading is pregnant. Seriously, enough.

I love my friends, I promise I do. But if you're about to announce your pregnancy, please oh PLEASE do not be offended if I stay quiet for a while. It's me, not you. Really.

Up and Down

Yeah, I know. I bailed on NaBloPoMo. Oh well. There's always next year.

I recently saw that another blogger I follow is pregnant. That's two. Maybe I'll stop reading blogs. I begrudge no one their joy, as I've said before, but sheesh. It smarts.

On an entirely different topic, I had a really good meeting today a potential change in my future. Updates to follow.

Not much to say

I don't have much to say today. Funny how sometimes you can go through a whole day and have experienced very little worth comment. Is my life that boring?

Crunch Time

It's been stressful, trying to make ends meet. I hate going to the grocery store. I hate looking through the closets and seeing big gaps in the wardrobes. The one bright spot is that I just got gas for $1.87 a gallon.

I'm even trying to get a part time job (on top of my full time job) to try to lighten the load. So far, no luck.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I'm trying to trust that God is going to get us through this.

My Dog

Hershey is a 9 year old 100 pound chocolate lab. His behavior since Jadyn was born, 3 years ago, has been on a steady decline. My going to work full time did not help matters any. But the past year has been the worst yet. I promise you, I think he's becoming a goat.

Hershey has eaten crayons, toys, markers, sippy cups, plastic storage containers, food packages out of the garbage, various *ahem* feminine hygiene products, and then, from time to time, his own food.

This is getting ridiculous.

For Something Completely Different

I am not going to blog about the election. Frankly, after 2 years of hearing about it, I'm over it. Let it be done already!

But once this whole thing is decided, regardless of whether it goes the way I voted, I will respect and pray for the person who takes on the role, because to do otherwise isn't going to do any good.

The Election

I know it's important. For crying out loud, every rock, TV and movie star have been telling us, just in case we missed it by not watching the news.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of the name-calling. I'm tired of people treating each other as inferior because they belong to a different political party.

And on Wednesday we'll wake up and it will be over. But it really won't be. The winners will gloat. The losers will fuss and complain and make idle threats about moving to another country.

And to think, I studied this stuff in college. What was I thinking?!

Longing...still...

It's not that I would wish for one moment that someone else really had to go through my experience with infertility. And it's not as though I would choose to disregard the joy of someone experiencing pregnancy. Having been through it once myself, I wish them all the best.

That being said, it is sometimes very painful to read blogs of women enjoying their second or even third healthy pregnancy. I'm 37 with one child, and with every passing month I'm even more aware that the clock is ticking way too fast. I feel like I'm almost out of time. I'm scared. I want to be content, to say (and mean) that I really am perfectly fine with being a one-child family.

But I'm not.

This is no fun.

Longing

It's one of those months when it seems like almost everyone around me is either announcing a pregnancy or celebrating a new birth. I hate months like this.

Repeating Hang-Ups

On Wednesday I took what I somewhat teasingly refer to as a Mental Health Day. Jadyn had a doctor's appointment that morning, so I decided to take the day off to spend with her, rather than slaving away processing transcripts and withdrawal requests for the local community college population.

At the appointment, the doctor gushed with all sincerity about Jadyn being one of his absolute favorite patients (which he says every time, and every time I believe him). He couldn't believe she's 3 already and wished for her to be a baby again. Yeah, me too, some days.

After some shopping, craft painting and lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, we headed to the park for a little pre-nap energy explusion. (Read: play.) With trepidation I pulled into the parking lot, having noticed multiple minivans and SUVs already in place. These were elltale signs that a Stay-At-Home-Mothers group had decended upon the park. It was too late to turn around; I had already promised Jadyn some playtime.

Why was I bothered by this mommyfest? I used to be one of them, after all, trying to balance the right amount of activity, nutrition, education, play and naptime into our days. And that was just it. I no longer fit in the library, kindermusik, play date crowd. I'm a working mother now, full time. On days like these I loathe the situation, but for the time being I can't change it.

We walked up to the elaborate play apparati and I encouraged Jadyn to go play while found a bench on the other side of the playset, far away from the mommy clique. She was more interested in doing her own thing. That's great, I thought. I applaud her for her independence. But I saw how she watched the other little girls chase each other around the slide. Again, I encouraged her. "Go play with them, it's ok." She did join their ranks, albeit briefly, before returning to her own amusement on the monkey bars.

I was sad. She's a friendly kid, often walking up to complete strangers in the store to ask their name. I suddenly wondered if my inner struggle with shyness was rubbing off on her. I used to think I wasn't shy at all. As I child I was told I was outgoing so I figured it must be true. But as I got older and encountered more "real life", I allowed myself to be extroverted in certain comfortable scenarios, such as during performances. I'm scared to death to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. It probably seems schizophrenic that I can live in front of a crowd on stage and cower at the thought of meeting one new person. But the more I "grow up", the more I realize the issues that plague me.

I didn't want to go talk to those moms. Not because I didn't think I'd like them. Not because I thought we'd have nothing in common. I've seen them around town and on occasion spoken to a few of them. That's not why I was afraid to talk to them. It was because I thought they'd reject me. Reject me for my weight. Reject me for my income (or lack thereof). Reject me for my clothing or hairstyle. Reject me for not staying home like they do.

Or even worse, ignore me completely, as though I were invisible.

I sat there worrying that Jadyn was becoming me faster than I could teach her otherwise. I felt my insecurity becoming hers by osmosis. At just that moment, Jadyn saw a little girl fall nearby. She rushed to her side, asking, "Are you OK?" She comforted the girl before returning to her own fun.

Her heart, her sweet, caring, compassionate heart, reached out. This is the girl who knows the names of every child not only in her class, but in most of the school. This is the girl who can't leave at the end of the school day without getting half a dozen hugs from friends. This is the girl whose name all the kids know, even in the younger and older classes. Is she perfect? Of course not. She's human, after all, and is bound to inherit a few trouble spots from Paul and I, and dear old Adam & Eve. But will she overcome her imperfection to become the best person she can possibly be?

I have no doubt. God has already started on her. Let's just hope I help the process, not hinder it.

Not for me

I was definitely NOT cut out to be a nurse. Paul has been dealing with an AWFUL bout of cellulitis. This is not the first time, but it is by far the worst. When the leg is unwrapped, it looks like a severe burn. At one point it was swollen to twice its normal size. He's on the couch with his leg elevated above his heart, only getting up to use the rest room.

I'm thankful for medical professionals. I'm not cut out for it.

You know....

....if I knew how to get over it, I'd already BE over it.

But I don't, so I'm not.

And I'm still here. You're stuck with me just the way I am.

So there!

Round and round

Secondary infertility is usually defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after successfully and naturally conceiving one or more children. It sounds pretty cut and dried - straight-forward and easy to understand. It's much more complicated when you're living through it.

When you go through infertility without having had any successful pregnancies, you begin to have all sorts of questions:

• What if I'm not meant to be a parent?
• Am I being punished for the sins of my youth?
• How far am I willing to go to have a child?
  
• What will my future be like without a child?

But when you go through secondary infertility, there are different questions:

• Is it wrong for me to want another baby when I already have been blessed with a healthy, happy child?
• How do I answer the ubiquitous question, "When are you having another?"
• Can I really be happy with just one?
• If I never have another, how do I keep from spoiling the one I have?
• Why can't I just be content?
• What worked last time that isn't working this time?

After 2 years and 2 miscarriages, I'm getting tired. And I'm getting old. Please, God.

Don't go there!

It still hurts, but I still go. And I am fast approaching the point where it will either stop hurting or I will stop going.

I know, I'm cryptic. But that's where I'm at.

Age

I remember being a kid and thinking 37 was old.

*SIGH*