I wonder...

I'm already 37 years old. Technically I'm fast approaching the dreaded "middle aged" phase of life.

And I wonder....

Is it too late for me to be extraordinary?

I have this idea in my head that most people don't grow up expecting to be run-of-the-mill. Don't we all think, at some level deep down, that we're meant for something major? All my life I have felt it, but I've never done enough about it. It's like I keep waiting for something, as if some mystic bus will come and pick me up and take me to my new and improved reality.

In the meantime, I'm ordinary. And I hate it. I want the life I've always hoped for.

So, is it too late?

Maybe Tomorrow...

What is the mystique of New Year's Day? Why do we mark this as the time we will finally be more healthy, giving, loving, spiritual, whatever? If tomorrow we will essentially be the same biologically, financially, intellectually, etc, why do we put so much attention on one specific day that is nothing more than the turning of a calendar page?

One word. Hope.

We hope that we can change. We hope that things will get better. We hope for the life we have not yet encountered.

I enter this year full of hope on so many fronts. Yes, I want to see change in the normal, almost cliched areas. I want to lose weight and get healthy. Finally get a better grip on the budget instead of it gripping us. Be more loving to my family. Have more regular "quiet time" with God.

But there are also some specific things I am praying for this year. I want to not just get pregnant but STAY pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I want to find more ways to answer God's call on my life to minister through creativity. I want to encounter God more and let others encounter Him through me.

He is the only way we made it through 2008. And it's to Him I look with hope for the coming year.

2008 Rewind (AKA Why I'm Glad It's Almost Over)

It's been kind of a rough year for Chez Crazy. God has been faithful and I'm sure it's all been "for my good" (a la Romans 8:28), but in many ways I'm glad to be saying goodbye to this year. Let's recap:

January

• Got the news that I was being laid-off from my dream job as part-time administrative/creative director for my church. Budget cuts, not merit related, but painful and stressful all the same.
• Found out I was pregnant. This was stressful due to my lack of employment, but after years of trying to conceive (and having already endured a miscarriage 3 months earlier) it was joyful.

February

• Had a miscarriage. Yeah, that sucked. I didn't talk to God for a while.
• Looked for a job.

March

• Looked for a job.
• Had several interviews. Was deemed the 2nd choice for 2 positions. (Yeah, first loser.)
• Put together a multimedia presentation for Easter to the song "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd. (I still love my church.)
  

April

• Was called back on both 2nd choice positions within 24 hours. The lower-paying community college position (temp to hire) was a more definite hire than the other soft drink industry position that paid $10K more a year. Took the college job.

May

• Liked the job ok. Missed my dream job a LOT.
• Put Jadyn in full-time daycare. Thankful she adjusted, sad that she had to.
  

June

• Took a trip with the family to see relatives and old friends. Viciously fought the impulse to stay in PA and tell life in Mississippi to take a flying leap.

July

• Was brought onto the college payroll permanently. Hello, benefits.

August

• Stressed about money.
  
• Turned 37 years old. Really missed my dream job.

September

• Stressed about money.
• Life was interrupted by husband's severe cellulitus.
• Witnessed true community as church family supported us during the illness.
  
• Celebrated Jadyn's 3rd birthday.

October

• Had strep throat. The ability to swallow is far too under-appreciated.
  
• Prayed hard for friends in a very difficult situation.
• Stressed about money.
• Applied for better paying jobs.

November

• Stressed about work.
  
• Had an interview for a university job paying significantly more.
• Had a second interview for said job.
• Wrote a Christmas skit for church.
  

December

• Was 2nd choice for university job.
• Decided to trust God more about money.
• Saw God provide.
• Got involved in planning for a new church outreach.
  
• Performed Christmas skit at church.
  
• Dealt with a recurrence of cellulitis over Christmas.
• Spent time enjoying my daughter.
  

Coming up next, what I'm looking forward to about 2009. Stay tuned.

A Change Will Do You Good

Christmas is done. Tomorrow I'll box up all the Christmas stuff while Jadyn is at preschool. This act is usually one of the most depressing tasks of the season for me.

But not this year.

I'm excited. I'm ready. Ready for this year to be over. Ready to move on.

There's change in the wind. I can feel it. I can smell it.

I don't know what it is. But something is going to change. Something big. Something good.

And I'm so ready.

Creative Inspiration

What is it that sparks creativity? What brings inspiration? If there is really nothing "new" under the sun, where do we get the idea that there is original thought?

I love being given the opportunity stretch my creative muscles. I have several projects bouncing around in my head, and it's refreshing. I feel like I'm coming back to life. Aaaahhhh.

Up and Down

Yeah, I know. I bailed on NaBloPoMo. Oh well. There's always next year.

I recently saw that another blogger I follow is pregnant. That's two. Maybe I'll stop reading blogs. I begrudge no one their joy, as I've said before, but sheesh. It smarts.

On an entirely different topic, I had a really good meeting today a potential change in my future. Updates to follow.

Pigskin Roundup

When I first moved to the South 10 years ago, my husband Paul gave me a 3 hour discourse on football in the Southeastern Conference (SEC). During this lecture, I learned which teams were in each division, how many non-conference games occur each season, who the big rivals are, etc. I was armed with enough information to have intelligent football conversation with any pure-bred Southerner.

See, we moved from my native Pennsylvania to his native Alabama. And in Alabama, once you cross the state line, you must declare allegiance to either the University of Alabama or Auburn University. I married a Bama boy, so I chose the Crimson Tide. Seemed like a logical choice.

Six years after we were married we moved to Mississippi, and we now live in the same town as Mississippi State University. On game days we can practically hear the cowbells from our front yard. So our allegiances have been somewhat divided in the past few years. Last year was an especially bad year for Alabama, and an especially good year for MSU. We felt ourselves shifting more toward maroon and further away from crimson.

This year, however, we are prouder than ever of the Tide. Tonight they played a hard-fought game against Louisiana State University. They went into the game with a perfect season, and LSU has often been a tough competitor. It was only in overtime that Alabama emerged victorious. Nick Saban is finally earning all that money. Now we're hoping the boys aren't overconfident in the next two weeks. We'll keep watching and cheering....

Crunch Time

It's been stressful, trying to make ends meet. I hate going to the grocery store. I hate looking through the closets and seeing big gaps in the wardrobes. The one bright spot is that I just got gas for $1.87 a gallon.

I'm even trying to get a part time job (on top of my full time job) to try to lighten the load. So far, no luck.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I'm trying to trust that God is going to get us through this.

Me Time

I love that my husband and I allow one another time on our own. He picked up Jadyn so I could hash out some creative ideas for church. I put Jadyn to bed so he could go hang out with a friend to talk about music.

We don't have a perfect marriage, not by a long shot. But I appreciate that we give each other space. It makes us happier when we get to spend time with one another.

My Dog

Hershey is a 9 year old 100 pound chocolate lab. His behavior since Jadyn was born, 3 years ago, has been on a steady decline. My going to work full time did not help matters any. But the past year has been the worst yet. I promise you, I think he's becoming a goat.

Hershey has eaten crayons, toys, markers, sippy cups, plastic storage containers, food packages out of the garbage, various *ahem* feminine hygiene products, and then, from time to time, his own food.

This is getting ridiculous.

Longing...still...

It's not that I would wish for one moment that someone else really had to go through my experience with infertility. And it's not as though I would choose to disregard the joy of someone experiencing pregnancy. Having been through it once myself, I wish them all the best.

That being said, it is sometimes very painful to read blogs of women enjoying their second or even third healthy pregnancy. I'm 37 with one child, and with every passing month I'm even more aware that the clock is ticking way too fast. I feel like I'm almost out of time. I'm scared. I want to be content, to say (and mean) that I really am perfectly fine with being a one-child family.

But I'm not.

This is no fun.

Personal Mad Libs

I'm not as _____________ as I thought I was. That realization makes me _____________. And if I tell you how I feel, you'll probably think I'm ________________.

You say I should ____________ but when I try I'm usually ______________. When that happens, it's easier if I ____________.

Sometimes, I ___________ being ____________.

(Yeah, it's been that kind of week....)

Wounds

I am beginning to understand that there aren't really many new wounds. Just old wounds that keep getting reopened. If the original wound hasn't healed, the pain is easily refreshed.

Ouch.

An Update from Chez Crazy

Wow. 6 weeks since my last update. Insane...like my life.

Hm, let's see. Work is....well, see the thing about work is, I work with college students. You would think this would be a group of people of which the best can be expected. Not necessarily so. These "students" - and I use the term somewhat loosely after having seen some of their transcripts - are used to Mom and Dad handling their affairs for them. They are thoroughly shocked that we require them to be responsible for their own information.

I worry desperately for the future of America.

I am in the Summer Musical Revue with the Starkville Community Theatre. This is my first time on stage for a production other than with church since high school. I am so energized by the experience - the music, the staging, the cast, all of it. I didn't realize how much I missed the stage until I got back on it.

Our family headed north for vacation. We were in PA and Ohio, where we enjoyed much cooler weather and the company of friends and family. Jadyn was a trooper, despite short (or non-existent) naps. She experienced her first amusement park rides and, with the exception of the Tilt-A-Whirl, had a blast. I suspect she inherited her Opa's tendency towards nausea while spinning. The trip itself was a day longer than planned, due to an unexpected overnight lay-over in Memphis. Never have I been so thankful to return to Mississippi. The trip was great, but you reach a point where all you want is to sleep in your own bed and pee in your own potty.

(Pictures will appear on Jadyn's blog soon - I almost promise.)

Lately I've been feeling kind of disconnected from my church family. That is due, in part, to having been gone for 2 Sundays. But after having been on staff and being so closely involved in the goings-on of the community, it's been a long and difficult adjustment to my new position on the edge. I feel different. Not necessarily bad, but not the same. I am trying to look at my life as having entered a new chapter. I'm encountering new people, finding new communities for myself. But I still feel a bit "homesick".

Where the heck have I been?

I know, its been way too long since I posted anything truly interesting. You'll have to forgive me. It's been about 4 years since I had a full-time job, and it's taken some adjustment. And just because I haven't posted anything interesting, that doesn't mean I haven't experienced anything interesting. I may, in fact, start a theme for upcoming posts. Something to the effect of "Why I Worry for the Future of America", subtitled "College Kids and the Stupid Things They Say".

My boss, who's been at the college for 18 years, has more than once threatened to write a book.

Finally

Ok so I haven't posted for while, but I have news.


I GOT A JOB! I'm the Assistant Registrar for East Mississippi Community College. YAY!

I've gotta say, doing a 40 hour week has been quite a change, for all of us.