Moving on Up

Dear Blogger.com,

It's been a fun ride. We've had some good times. But I've grown, I've matured. It's time to move on. I've found someone new. It's not you, it's me. I hope we can still be friends.

Love,
Amanda

PS You can now find me at http://chezcrazy.wordpress.com. I hope we'll stay in touch!

Walled Out

Isolation is a form of punishment. It's used in our corrections facilities all over the world. "Solitary confinement," we call it. Remove all human contact. It's not really just punishment, it's torture.

There's a different kind of isolation. A person can be in a room full of people and still be completely alone. It's just as torturous.

Sometimes we do it to ourselves. We wall off our hearts, keeping others at a distance. This is supposed to protect us from possible hurt inflicted by others, but it doesn't. We blame others for our isolation. Our hard-shelled hearts whither inside.

Sometimes we are relegated to isolation by those around us. Plans are made that don't include us. Friendly chatter stops when we walk by. And our souls ache at the exclusion.

I am finally coming out of my own wall. While I use caution when sharing with some people about some topics, I am gradually letting the shell fall away from my heart. God is opening me up.

At the same time, I find myself being shut out of certain situations. It's terribly painful to be in a room full of people and be purposefully excluded from conversation. This is the kind of thing that tempts me to rebuild my wall, to fortify it. "You don't want me? Fine, then I don't want you either." When my efforts to engage go completely unanswered, I feel no motivation to continue trying. I don't want to intentionally open myself up to that kind of pain.

God is here with me, behind the wall built by someone other than myself. I'm waiting for Him to show me what to do with it.

So. When you're hidden by a wall of your own making or of others', how do you respond?

I wonder...

I'm already 37 years old. Technically I'm fast approaching the dreaded "middle aged" phase of life.

And I wonder....

Is it too late for me to be extraordinary?

I have this idea in my head that most people don't grow up expecting to be run-of-the-mill. Don't we all think, at some level deep down, that we're meant for something major? All my life I have felt it, but I've never done enough about it. It's like I keep waiting for something, as if some mystic bus will come and pick me up and take me to my new and improved reality.

In the meantime, I'm ordinary. And I hate it. I want the life I've always hoped for.

So, is it too late?

Geeking Out

I have lately been telling people that I'm a geek girl. That doesn't mean I can fix your WiFi or make a new template for your blog, though eventually I'd like to get to that point. I'm referring more to my entertainment preferences. I'm not exactly your "normal" girl when it comes to movies, TV and even some books.

For instance, I saw "The Day the Earth Stood Still" the weekend it came out. I ONLY see big movies on the big screen. Flicks like "Four Christmases" will wait for rental - or even TV. They are just the same on the small screen so I save my theater time for movies that warrant it.

If I have to choose between a rerun of Sex and the City and an episode of BattleStar Galactica, BSG will win 95% of the time.

I have never read Wuthering Heights. I read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker series in it's entirety at least 3 times.

I used to try to be more girly. Go see the "have-to" chick flicks, pay attention to "What Not to Wear, etc. But I realized I'm not really like that. But I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, I may occasionally catch the latest romantic comedy while spending time with my circle of girlfriends. But that's about being with the people, not seeing the movie. When left to my own preferences, I'll take The Matrix over The Break-Up.

I have finally decided that I like this about myself. And be forewarned: I'm likely to get more geeky as time goes on.