Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Illness

I'm sick.

Sick of acting like I'm ok.
Sick of acting like everything is fine.
Sick of feeling rejected and alone.
Sick of feeling angry every time I walk into my church.
Sick of hiding what is really going on inside my heart.
Sick of masking the pain that goes deeper than I understand.

A few months ago, before my life seemed to go to pot, a few friends commented on how I suddenly seemed "happy"; that my bitter edge seemed to have melted away. And for a while I thought they were right. I did feel happy. I did notice that I didn't feel angry or bitter.

But then it all went downhill. Now I feel like I have to pretend that I'm still that happy contented person, even though life has been spiraling downward in the past few months. I was sharing this feeling with a friend and it occurred to me that maybe I had that angry edge because I use that to hide from the real pain I have buried deeper than I realized.

I'm wounded. I'm a mess. Recent events have hurt me, but more than that, they have touched deep places with very old scars. And I have been trying to shield myself from the pain associated with this reality. That shield has barbs on it to keep people away, and it's done a good job. People have kept their distance, commenting to each other about my erratic emotional state. And it's all thanks to my unwillingness to deal with serious root issues.

I'm done. I'm done with holding it together, making nice-nice so people won't talk about me behind my back. I'm done with pretending I have more faith than I do. I'm done with smiling so people think I'm OK with life.

I have real deep pain, I need real deep healing. Just as with surgery, it will be messy. It will cause more pain initially with the goal of actually removing the cause of the underlying hurt.

God knows what He's doing. I know this in my head. I'm about to experience it in my heart.

This is gonna hurt.

5 comments:

believingthomas said...

Amanda, that's a brave post. Even braver thing to try and deal with. Just wanted to say something...don't know what to say really, but as far as I am concerned you don't have to pretend.

Paul said...

Amanda,
Thank you for posting this. Acknowledging the existence of a challenge is the first step toward dealing with it and I'm proud of you for expressing it in such a powerful way.
You and I have long been turned off by this sentiment which seems to permeate the church at large which says - don't be real, don't show how you feel about something.
I'm not sure of the entire root of this notion, but it's one whose time should come to an end. It's dysfunctional and making bold statements like this can only help speed its demise.
Those who came to Jesus were real about what they were facing. Why should we be any different?
I'm proud of you, honey. I pray this time will leave us closer to the Lord and each other.

Paul

Amanda Sue said...

amanda,

i am praying that someone enters your life who you can be real with. as Christians, it is exhausting to keep up a facade. we all do that to some extent, but why? it makes non-Christians resent us. showing that we hurt too, and we are sometimes confused by God's work in our lives just makes us more human. i know that God is going to give you a friend. a woman who has dealt with what you are dealing with. God provides fellowship for a purpose, and many times it is to bring us closer to Him.

Thank you for sharing this. you are truly a precious child of God, and i am proud to call you a (cyber) friend. :)

kimjoystewart said...

I admire your courage in writing a post like that. I wish more of us had that kind of courage. I think somehow life would be easier if we would all just admit that we're broken and we all need healing instead of pretending like we've got it all together. I think sometimes I've lived so long pretending that I don't even know how to be real or even what is real about me. Okay, I'm up past my bedtime and trying to think too much--not good.

But I do care about you and admire your courageous heart. It takes that to say what you said.

Love you,
Kim

Renee said...

Amanda, I am so proud of you for taking the plunge. It may not be easy, but it will be well worth the pain. Keep it real! I am here when you need me.

Love you!

Sassy