Illness

I'm sick.

Sick of acting like I'm ok.
Sick of acting like everything is fine.
Sick of feeling rejected and alone.
Sick of feeling angry every time I walk into my church.
Sick of hiding what is really going on inside my heart.
Sick of masking the pain that goes deeper than I understand.

A few months ago, before my life seemed to go to pot, a few friends commented on how I suddenly seemed "happy"; that my bitter edge seemed to have melted away. And for a while I thought they were right. I did feel happy. I did notice that I didn't feel angry or bitter.

But then it all went downhill. Now I feel like I have to pretend that I'm still that happy contented person, even though life has been spiraling downward in the past few months. I was sharing this feeling with a friend and it occurred to me that maybe I had that angry edge because I use that to hide from the real pain I have buried deeper than I realized.

I'm wounded. I'm a mess. Recent events have hurt me, but more than that, they have touched deep places with very old scars. And I have been trying to shield myself from the pain associated with this reality. That shield has barbs on it to keep people away, and it's done a good job. People have kept their distance, commenting to each other about my erratic emotional state. And it's all thanks to my unwillingness to deal with serious root issues.

I'm done. I'm done with holding it together, making nice-nice so people won't talk about me behind my back. I'm done with pretending I have more faith than I do. I'm done with smiling so people think I'm OK with life.

I have real deep pain, I need real deep healing. Just as with surgery, it will be messy. It will cause more pain initially with the goal of actually removing the cause of the underlying hurt.

God knows what He's doing. I know this in my head. I'm about to experience it in my heart.

This is gonna hurt.

And in other news...

That old expression "when it rains, it pours" seems rather cliche, rather simple. But when it's happening in your own life it often feels like "when you're drowning you will be offered a drink".

The job search continues. I had one interview that went really well, at least from my side of the table, on January 28. I still have not heard from them but they said that it can take a long time for them (an international corporation with local establishments) to complete the hiring process. They said that getting someone behind the desk by February 18 would be moving fast for them. *sigh*

I must have sent out over 20 resumes by now. I don't really want to have to file an unemployment claim (even though I qualify) until it becomes absolutely necessary. I still believe I have a great background to fit the jobs for which I applied, but I must admit, my faith is beginning to get shaky.

Oh, and last week I found out I was pregnant. This week, by some freak circumstance that I couldn't possibly begin to understand, I am no longer pregnant. Right. Again.

I know God doesn't play games, but really. Come on now.