Rocky Mountain High

Wow. This trip to Colorado was amazing. I am so grateful that I got to experience all God had for me this weekend, and that my friend Kim was there to share it. I didn't go into the retreat expecting God to do anything specific, but I knew He would show up, and boy, did he ever!

Here are a few pics. I kept wishing I'd had our "good" camera with me!

The peak behind our cabin.

On Friday after a prayer time, God gave us a rainbow. Out of nowhere. No rain or anything.


A reminder of what fall is supposed to look like. I miss real fall. It doesn't happen here in Mississippi.

Sunrise over the Rockies.

"Official"

I went to the doctor's office yesterday for another ultrasound. We hoped to be able to see fetal circulation and thereby determine a more firm due date. Hooray! Our official date is May 26th.

Please pray for us during this time. For some reason I'm more scared this time than I was with Jadyn about possible problems. Maybe it's my age, I don't know. I'm nervous, but I also know that God is totally in control and planned all along for this pregnancy to happen. And I'm so thankful!

Anticipation

I am so excited! My friend Kim and I are going to a women's retreat in Colorado this week, and I'm counting down the hours till we get on the plane. She is picking me up at 3 AM on Thursday to catch a 6:10 AM flight from Birmingham. UGH! Maybe I will just stay up. I'm sure I'll be too wired to sleep. Then again, I've been so exhausted lately, maybe I'll go to bed at 7 PM. Who knows.

The event, called Captivating Women's Retreat, is put on by the Ransomed Heart ministry. It takes place on the side of a mountain that is 14,000 feet tall. I had to check with the doctor to see if going to a high elevation in my "condition" is ok. He said I could go, but no high ropes course or giant swing for me.

Friends who have gone on this retreat before say that all hell tends to break loose right before the event - so much so that it may seem a better idea to stay home when the time comes. And BOY has that ever been the case in our life! The day after I found out I'm pregnant, I wrecked our minivan. We're still trying to get a replacement vehicle before the clock runs out on our insurance-paid-for rental car. Then Paul got sick last night and is at the doctor right now. Stress, stress, stress. But we recognize it for what it is. It's a ploy to distract me and tempt me to stay home. So I say, "No way!"

I'm really looking forward to this event. Sure, it will be great to completely "unplug" for a while - no phones or internet for 4 days. But the prospect of a true "mountaintop" experience with God is just so appealing right now. And getting to share it with my dear friend Kim makes it even better.

I am still concerned about the high altitude. I was worried about that before we found out about the pregnancy. I'm not in the best shape as it is. I get winded far too easily here at sea level. How am I going to handle the difference in oxygen levels? And now I'm breathing for two. The doctor said to make sure I'm well hydrated because that helps prevent altitude sickness. So great - I'll be peeing even more than I already do. But if it keeps me and Teeny ok, I'll live in the bathroom. I hope the sessions are piped in on the loudspeaker.

The Answer

Two weeks ago I posted about the question everyone seems to be asking. "When are you going to have another baby?" Well, ladies and gentlemen of blogdom, I present to you the answer.



Sometime around Memorial Day.

AAAAHHHHHRRRRR!

Happy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!

I may very well watch Pirates of the Caribbean this afternoon, in honor of the day.

The Question

There's an interesting phenomena that hits when your first child approaches the 2-year mark. You start hearing "The Question". I promise, in the past 2 weeks, it must have come up in conversation at least 10 times. It seems everyone wants to know.

"So when are you having another one?"

Frankly I'm surprised I didn't see this coming sooner. I suppose that up until this point a mother is given that "baby" grace period. But Jadyn is officially no longer a baby or even a toddler. The 2nd birthday marked her in most circles as a "preschooler". Suddenly the goings-on of my reproductive system are once again considered an appropriate topic of conversation. Even Jadyn's doctor asked about it, saying, "Hey, I'm a pediatrician. For me, it's job security!"

The first time this baby question pops up is when you've been married a few years. You're past that "newlywed" phase and it's time to get on with the business of fruitfulness and multiplication. Because this took longer for us than for most, we had to bear up under the procreation pressure (only rarely unspoken) for quite a long time.

I suppose part of me is simply amused. Why wouldn't it be my turn to have another? And look how great Jadyn turned out; wouldn't I want to grace the world with more of that cuteness? But the other part - the bigger part - is scared. I'm scared that I face another long trek of infertility. After all, it took 4 1/2 years for Jadyn, and technically we've been "open" to the possibility of pregnancy for over a year now. Then there's the whole twisted guilt trip of already having a child. "At least you have Jadyn if you never have another." True, we have Jadyn and she is more amazing that we could have dreamed. So do we dare want another child? Is it wrong to want Jadyn to be a sister?

Time is ticking. I'm 36 and Paul is on the cusp of 40. Odds are already against us. I was already feeling the pressure in myself - now it's external too.

So my answer to all those who ask? "We're working on it."

Flashback

Two years ago this was my post:
----------------

Ticking Timebomb

Now that my parents are here and have helped us with the unpacking, I'm beginning to feel like a ticking timebomb, with folks just waiting for me to go off. Every time I wince in pain, everyone jumps, even though it's from a sore hip or something non-uterus related. I keep getting phone calls along the lines of "You're not at the hospital?" to which I want to respond, "I'm talking to you, aren't I? You called me at home, didn't you?" I'm telling ya, I really hope this happens sooner rather than later now. You know what they say about a watched pot never boiling? I wonder if that's true of a pregnant woman too.

------------------
I was great with child, just finishing up moving, and watching the news about Katrina's aftermath. And I realize now that what "they" say is true. You're never really "ready".

Here we are are, 2 years later. This week has been consumed with the business of birthday party preparations. A local playground is the venue and Elmo is the chosen them. (Yes, I promise to post picture's on Jadyn's blog.)

I guess because of the anticipated celebration I have been nostalgic. Clicking through old blog postings, smiling at photos from the last 2 years, and realizing that while it hasn't always been easy, I really HAVE forgotten most of the hard parts in favor of the good times. And there have been good times aplenty. A hundred"firsts", a thousand pictures, a million smiles.

I'm a different person than I was then. In some ways more intense, in others far less so. More secure but more of a worrier than ever. Busier but too often less productive. More exhausted and more satisfied.

I love being Mommy.

The Littlest Missionary

We frequently eat at a local Chinese buffet here in town. When Jadyn started talking, I taught her the Chinese word for hello, which is ni hao. She has quickly become a favorite of the restaurant staff, and as soon as we walk in we are greeted by a crowd of smiling Chinese girls all wanting to hold and play with our tiny princess. It is seriously adorable. They've even started teaching her other words like thank you and good-bye. Quite the linguist. She even knows to only use those words with the Chinese girls - she speaks English to everyone else.

But tonight it occurred to me that all of this may become a lot more than simple cuteness. Tonight we told them about what Jadyn's name means - "God has heard, God has answered" - and our struggle to conceive and the subsequent blessing of Jadyn. The girl who understood me the best translated for her friends. In that moment I realized it was the first time we'd brought God into our conversations. Hopefully this is just the first of many times that Jadyn will help bring the Gospel to people of another culture.

She also likes the fried rice.

Three Little Words

I was away from Thursday to Sunday helping with a sort of youth retreat over the weekend. I returned fulfilled yet exhausted. Being with 36 teenage girls for 72 hours can be a lot of fun and rather draining, all at the same time.

I came home after not seeing Jadyn for 3 1/2 days and I was SO ready to see her; I was greeted by laughter and squeals of delight. After hugs and kisses, I said, "I love you." To my glad surprise, she looked at me and for the first time in her life said, "I wuv yoo!" Through tears I picked her up and held her close.

What a welcome home.

Blogger's Block

Ok, so something on Tommy's site finally inspired me to post something.

The Rules:

1. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
2. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
3. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

*Modification. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged.

1. I can count to 10 in 6 languages, counting sign language.

2. I turned 21 years old in a farmer's field in Austria.

3. I almost never drink hot caffeinated beverages. Except maybe hot chocolate. Tea or coffee very rarely.

4. I am fairly particular about the order in which my groceries get put on the belt. Comes from having been a bagger in a grocery store when I was a teenager.

5. If I'm not at least 20 minutes early for a movie, I feel like I'm late.

6. I don't believe in whipped cream. Not enough flavor for the caloric impact, in my opinion.

7. I prefer sci-fi to chick flicks.

8. The combination of chocolate and peanut butter is like nectar of the gods.

Sssshhhhh.

A quote from "The King and I":

"When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be silent."

Hm. Perhaps this explains my lack of blogging...

Playing Tag

I don't want to tag someone and put them on the spot, but these things are kinda fun. I got this from Jemmers. Answer with only one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Relationship? married

3. Your hair? striped

4. Work? half

5. Your sister? non-existant

6. Your favorite thing? chocolate

7. Your dream last night? stressful

8. Your favorite drink? slushies

9. Your dream car? infiniti

10. The room you're in? den

11. Your shoes? off

12. Your fears? inadequacy

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? singer

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? "guys"

15. What are you not good at? math

16. Muffin? carbs!

17. One of your wish list items? cruise

18. Where you grew up? Pennsylvania

19. Last thing you did? typed

20. What are you wearing? pjs

21. What aren't you wearing? unmentionables

22. Your pet? dog

23. Your computer? laptop

24. Your life? transition

25. Your mood? anxious

26. Missing? space

27. What are you thinking about right now? Jadyn

28. Your car? minivan

29. Your kitchen? clean!

30. Your summer? humid

31. Your favorite color? peach

32. Last time you laughed? yesterday

33. Last time you cried? May

34. School? maybe

35. Love? always

One Short Year

A year ago today our dear friends Chris & Leah and their two children (Miller and Mallory) were killed in a horrible car accident. This week Paul and I went to hear Chris's (and Paul's) favorite band in concert - Rush. While we were there rockig out, I kept thinking, "I wonder what Chris would think..."

Lord, please hug them for me and let them know that I miss them.

Party Down!

Us at a recent wedding, taken by our friend Alison.

My Shoes

Right now Jadyn is walking around in my shoes.
In many ways, I hope she never really does that.
But it sure is cute for now.





(I'll post the rest of the Orange Conference stuff later.)

Orange Pt 2

Today we had a few really amazing sessions. The first was by Francis Chan and it was really inspiring and convicting. Here are some of the ideas he presented (and my responses):

• What is it that I ALONE am called to do? (I'm still working this out, but I'm getting closer to it. More on this another time.)
• Oswald Chambers had a quote: "Never make a principle out of your experience. Let God be as original with others as he has been with you." (This really hit me, not just as it refers to making principles out of MY experiences, but I noticed that I tend to make principles out of OTHERS' experiences as well. I need to remember that God will also be original with ME.)
• He told the story of Dean Karnazes, who came home drunk after celebrating his 30th birthday and suddenly decided to run. (Cue Forrest Gump montage.) He finally stopped 30 miles away from home after having run ALL NIGHT LONG. He realized that maybe he had a gift. Now he is a very accomplished runner. The point is that he had no idea of the outcome when he decided to "just run". But that's exactly what he did. (Too often I get caught up in not doing things because I'm unsure of the outcome. I suspect this is true of many people.)
• He talked about an encounter he had with a Jehovah's Witness. This person asked him what he thought of the JWs and his response was that he didn't like them very much because instead of allowing people to truly discover God for themselves by searching His word, they are feeding people what they want them to hear. But then he realized that this may also be true for most Christians. (I definitely think most of what I "know" of God has been fed to me by others and not self-fed.)
  
• He asked a rather thought-provoking question. "If I ONLY ever had the Bible, what would I expect to see when I walked through the doors of a church for the first time?" (Hmm. Is that what we are presenting now?)
• He told about having been invited to speak at a Korean prayer meeting that met at 5 AM in Anaheim, CA. His first thought was that it would probably just be a few folks kneeling for a little while, no big deal. But what he encountered was drastically different. They were doing this prayer meeting for 14 days straight and there were THOUSANDS of folks there every day, including babies, preschoolers, kids and teens. It was amazing to see the video of the event. These people were seriously committed. He said that if someone in that church wanted to serve in ANY capacity, including just passing out bullitens, they had to complete a 3-year discipleship training that included 10-15 hours of Bible training per week. Over 3,000 of them have already finished the training. (I wonder if we've set the bar so low that we in the modern American church have removed the need for any real commitment on the part of our members.)
• What would it look like if we truly took the Bible literally? For instance, loving your neighbor AS YOURSELF. We all make sure we have enough food to eat, clothes to wear, housing to enjoy, etc. What if we made sure the same was true for the people around us? How would it change our family and church budgets? (Wow. Just....wow.)
• Remarking on Hebrews 11 and Rahab specifically, he said that if it's true that without faith it's impossible to please God, what if the reverse is true? Maybe with faith it's impossible to DISplease God. (To God, the result isn't nearly as important as my dependence on Him as I make a sincere effort. Failure does not negate faith!)
• Don't get paralyzed by the church. It's not an excuse to not try. No church leader will tell us NOT to follow Jesus with all we have. We may not be able to use the building for a prayer meeting at 5 AM, but we can certainly use our own home. (I'm glad I'm part of a church that is more likely than not to encourage doing whatever God is truly calling us to.)

I'm wiped out, otherwise I'd talk about the next session now. Maybe later this week.

ORANGE

This is day 1 of the Orange Conference. (If you don't know about Orange, check the link. It's a pretty cool concept about church ministry.) I am blogging on some of what I heard tonight so I can keep it fresh. You reading it is just icing on the proverbial cake.

• Sometimes we think what we're doing (to reach others) is working, but it's not. This could be because it works for US, but it doesn't work for others. This especially hit me as it applies to worship music. I've recently set a goal for myself to write a worship song that a brand new believer with no church background would write. So many worship songs have words like glorious or redeemed or exalt. While these are Biblical words, they are not something the average new believer would say with authenticity. I wonder how much of our worship music doesn't touch new Christians because it seems so "churchy".
• Offering a "blended" service to keep everyone "happy" may be completely ineffective because it's not really relevent to anyone. Trying to combine service elements from different styles of worship can be powerful, but often it's just a random combination that seems to have no forethought, and that's just annoying.
  
• Are we making it easier or harder for people to come to God? This question also came up at the DRIVE conference at Northpoint Church last fall. I'm glad it came up again because I think I'm ready to ponder it in a new and different light. I may touch more on this in a subsequent post.
• Ministering to the family unit as a whole is not only possible, but it is powerful. It shows all the members not only the stories of our faith, but it also shows each member that they have something to contribute to the whole. The Bible story used as an example of this was the story of Nehemiah. When he was gathering people to help rebuild the wall around the city, he called families to come together for this common purpose. Imagine how the kids of the day felt when they saw that wall come up and realized that they had a part in it! How empowering for them!

The next installment will hopefully come at the end of the day tomorrow.

Have you ever?

Have you ever justed want "normal"....
...only to realize that normal doesn't exist?

Have you ever thought you finally had something figured out...
...only to realize you have no idea what's going on?

Have you ever hoped for something good...
...only to realize that what you have already is better?

Have you ever felt that your days stretched endlessly before you...
...only to realize that mortality is always a breath away?

Have you ever been experienced captivity...
...only to realize that the door was open all along?

Conformity

Today I noticed something interesting as I watched my daughter play. We were outside in the back yard. It's a wide open space, and there are a few trails worn in the dirt from our dog running back and forth along a consistent path.

Jadyn decided to explore a bit, and when I looked up, I saw her following one of these trails rather than blazing her own. It seemed almost instinctive, like going along the predetermined path was not a choice but a necessity. I saw her try to go off the path once, only to return to it within a few steps.

I wondered to myself, "What exactly does this mean? Is she already a conformist? Is she more likely a follower than a leader? Will it be harder for her to think 'outside the box'?"

And then I chilled out and realized that she probably is just brilliant enough to realize that she was able to walk more steadily on the path than on the uneven grass.

Sheesh, sometimes I'm such a freak.

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

The thing about talking to a toddler is that they understand most of what you say, and all of what they say, but have no clue that it comes out in a verbal glob of goo.

Most conversations with Jadyn (especially in the car) go like this:

"Mama!"

"Yes, baby."

"I wano schee nmoewn wnoew sye."

"Oh, ok."

"Mama!"

"Yes, baby."

"I wano scheen mynwo ee-yo."

"Ok, baby."

"MAMA!"

And so it goes. I have just begun to interpret some of this. She is often asking for me to sing to her, I think, and one of her favorites is Old MacDonald. After a rousing round of animal sounds (here, there and everywhere), I often hear this coming from her carseat:

"Kua la da, Kua la da, ee aye oooh!"

I can't stand the cuteness!!!

Flashback

Don't get me wrong. I love being a fully functional, independent, productive adult member of society. I would NOT want to go back to most of the phases of my childhood and DEFINITELY not my teen years.

But there are times when living the life of an 18 month old seems like heaven. No work, no responsibility, just snacks, play and a regular afternoon nap. Those really were the good old days.

Testimony

I gave my testimony at a MOPS luncheon today. I thought I'd post most of it here because, well, I just thought it would be good to get it out there, for those who don't know it.

WARNING: It's a tad long.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

I want to tell you how the message behind this verse has impacted me as I have lived out my story thus far. But first, some background.

It’s never been an easy thing for me to trust God’s perfect plan for my life – to have faith in his unfailing love for me. But He has given me some opportunities along the way to grow more and depend on him. I want to share a few of those with you.

When I was in my early 20s I was working at a Christian retreat center in the mountains of PA. It was during a time when all my friends were marrying off, and I was beginning to wonder and worry if I’d ever meet the ONE. This was the topic of most of my prayers. One day I was in the chapel when I noticed a poster with those verses on it. I was drawn to that last part in particular. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” I remember praying, “God, I AM seeking you.” And I felt him whisper gently to my heart. “You’re not seeking me. You’re not seeking my face. You’re seeking my hand – what I can do for you, but you’re not seeking ME.” Oh.

And thus began a running theme in my life.

I met Paul online 10 years ago – long before the days of eHarmony or Match.com. God showed us clearly even before we met in person that we were meant to be together. It made no logical sense, as my mother and many friends continuously pointed out, but it was so obviously God’ will that it was impossible to deny. Paul moved to Pennsylvania to be with me, and we got engaged.

6 weeks before our wedding Paul’s mother passed away. She lived in Montgomery, AL and had amassed several pieces of run-down rental property and an enormous amount of clutter. We knew we’d have to forget our plans of newlywed life and quit our jobs to move to Alabama and start the cleanup process. I was furious that our “normal” life had been robbed from us. For a Yankee girl like me, the idea of moving not only to the South but to the very Cradle of the Confederacy was frankly appalling – no offense to my Southern friends.

Shortly after we arrived in Montgomery, Paul’s mother’s house was broken into 7 times in 3 weeks. So there I was, a newlywed, a stranger in a foreign culture, a victim of crime. It was not an easy time to see God’s hand (which seemed to have allowed so much pain and tragedy), so we had to seek His face and trust His sovereignty and character. It was a day by day and sometimes minute by minute choice. I didn’t always choose the right thing. Sometimes I was bitter and depressed. Sometimes I lashed out in anger and pain. But sometimes I let the Lord pick me up and keep me going. Sometimes He brought people into my life to encourage and support us and remind us that He is a loving God.

During this time we began trying to have a baby. I knew because my system was anything but “clockwork” that we would probably encounter some trouble. I figured it would take maybe 6 or 8 months, a year at most. In those first few months, I met people who had faced infertility for years and I just couldn’t imagine having to face that struggle myself.

We’d been trying for almost a year when I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. Basically, my hormones were out of whack so I rarely ovulated. It was a frustrating time, seeing friends become pregnant so easily while I waited. Then, at the end a year of trying, I found out I was pregnant. It was finally my turn. When I got the result of my blood test, I heard the nurse say, “Yes, you’re pregnant, BUT…” My heart sank. My levels were low. It didn’t look good. I went in for another test, which confirmed our fears. A few days later, it was all over.

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t get angry, that I didn’t ask God WHY a hundred times a day, that I didn’t completely ignore God for a while. I felt like He had been teasing me, causing me pain needless pain. That first Sunday in church, the last thing I felt like doing was praising God. But the verse that kept running through my head was from Job: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” I can’t say that choosing to praise Him made me feel instantly better. But I clung to the idea that His plans for me and for that baby were for my ultimate good. Even when I thought I would collapse from the pain. Even when friends were saying, “Oops, we’re pregnant – AGAIN!” God is sovereign, God is good.

Several months after the miscarriage, Paul and I were offered the opportunity to adopt a yet unborn baby from a crisis pregnancy. The baby’s mother was being told to abort, but didn’t want to, and it was felt that if she knew the baby was going to a good home, she could go through the pregnancy. After some prayer, we felt like this was what God wanted for us. So we agreed and started the wheels in motion. Two weeks later we got a call. The mother was, for some unknown reason, no longer pregnant. It was over.

Again I was angry, frustrated and broken-hearted. It felt like God was playing with me again and I must admit that I didn’t speak to him very much for a while. I can’t say even now that I understand it, but eventually I accepted that it being God’s perfect will was not dependent upon me understanding it.

So it was back to the proverbial drawing board. I read all the books, checked all the websites. For a while I tried temperature charting and several different drugs, but eventually I just let it go. I was tired of feeling like infertility had become my identity, like I was walking around with a big scarlet “I” on my chest. The obsession over my ovaries was overwhelming and I’d had enough. I took a break from the drugs, the books, the charting, all of it.

After 6 years and 14 construction-sized dumpsters full of garbage, we were finally finished the clean up process in Montgomery. Paul started looking for a job to return to his chosen field of journalism. Around this time doctor put me on special medication because I had pre-diabetic symptoms, and among the side effects was listed “increased fertility”. I threatened to take double doses! I took it for several months and kept waiting.

In June of 2004 we moved to Columbus to start over. Paul got a job at the newspaper, and I got involved here at Hope. We bought a house and started getting settled. In December I was offered the position of Director of Children’s Ministry here at Hope. While I still wanted a child, and still felt the pain of infertility, I was beginning to accept that God could do amazing things in my life regardless of my being “reproductively challenged”.

On January 2 of 2005, I told the folks at my church about how God had been showing me through this process of infertility to continually seek His face, regardless of what came through His hand. The next day I got quite a shock. There were 2 lines. I couldn’t believe it. After 4 ½ years, maybe this was finally it. We were so scared because of our previous miscarriage. The first 3 months were a little tense, but not because I had a hard time. Frankly, I sailed through pregnancy. But we still had to choose every day that God could be trusted, no matter HOW this pregnancy turned out.

I was 8 ½ months pregnant when Paul came home and told me that his boss said we had to move to Starkville to take over the office there. Pack up and leave a house we’d just settled in to, or stay and take a pay cut. So there I was, great with child in the middle of a Mississippi summer, packing boxes. Many nights I laid in bed thinking, “What is God trying to do to us?” It felt like having a calm, “normal” existence was just not possible. Again it was a matter of seeking His face, because what came through His hand wasn’t making any sense.

So along came Jadyn. I can say now, on this side of it, that because SHE was the one we were waiting for, the wait, the pain, the frustration, even the loss - it was all worth it.

And because we moved to Starkville, Paul got a different job with a much better working environment and a boss who understands family.

Now, I’m not saying that we always get to know why things happen. We’re not promised that. But we are promised that God is in control, and that He is a loving God who can be trusted with everything in our lives.

So now, here I am. Hoping for another child – hoping that I’ll be satisfied if Jadyn is all we get. Praying for another healthy baby, praying I have the strength to go through another round of infertility if that’s what God wants for me. It’s easy to say that what I want the most is God’s will. It’s much harder to feel it day in, day out. So for now, I’m still going to seek God’s face, regardless of what His hand has for me. Because no matter what, He is sovereign, and He is good.

Stuck

There's nothing like having a sick child at home to make one feel "stuck". I feel like I've been in this situation for weeks. Maybe I have - I tend to lose track of time.

I still wouldn't trade it for the world. She's worth every bit of it.

I just hate to see her not being herself. My mom used to say, "When you're a mom, you'd rather be sick than your child." I never really understood that until I had a child of my own. Now I'd be sick for weeks rather than her sick for a day.

I can't imagine how mom's of chronically sick kids do it. Most would probably say, "You just do." Kudos to them all.

Reality

Paul and I got to have dinner with some folks who are so refreshingly real. (Not that most of my friends aren't "real", but somehow this was different. No spiritual platitudes, no "right answers". Just acceptance and authenticity. I love it when I get to encounter truth without condemnation or judgment. That, to me, seems to be a great expression of love.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

I realized this week that I tend to approach Bible reading with the following subconscious thought: "Ok (heavy sigh), let's see what else I'm not doing right that God wants me to get straight." Lately it's been hard to see anything but correction in my personal devotion times. And while I understand that correction comes because He loves me, the love seemed secondary. It's as though I see God as primarily being interested in pointing out the myriad of things that are wrong with me.

So earlier this week, I was reading the "Love" passage - 1 Cor. 13 - and I was expecting God to show me all the ways I have not been very loving lately. I haven't been patient with my child, kind to my spouse, etc, etc, etc. But that's not what I came away with. What I saw instead was that all those things about love are also about God Himself, since God is love, according to 1 John 4. And then something else occurred to me. All these things are characteristic of the relationship He wants to have with me - this is how He treats me!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7

When I looked at the passage from a new perspective, I found that I was able to find encouragement along with reproof, love along with discipline. It shouldn't surprise me. Now that I am a parent, I find myself correcting my toddler not just so I can so "NO" 1835 times a day (and believe me, it feels like that sometimes). I do it because I love her and I want her to grow into the woman God intends her to be. Doing so means disciplining her even now. It means keeping her safe, adjusting her already independent attitude, and instructing her on proper behavior. How much more can I expect God to parent me in such a manner?

I love it when God screws my head on straight.

Under the Microscope

It's one of those very uncomfortable times in my life when it feels like all my many flaws are not just being exposed but also magnified to the point where nothing else about me is visible to me or anyone else.

I'm trying to figure out if God is trying to bring things to my attention or if the enemy is trying to distract me or both. I want to change, to improve, to let God deal with me. I want to be obedient to His will and yield to His discipline. I recognize that everything God allows is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. I just want to discern what of this is a trial - a difficult situation not brought on by my disobedience - and what of this is, as my mentor calls it, is a "spanking".

Ultimately, I just want to know from God the truth of who I am and WHERE I am and where I need to be. And I want to be understood and accepted during the process.

Choosing a Different Perspective

It was not an easy day. Something happened that, while in the scheme of things was very small, was nonetheless very frustrating. I was angry and I felt betrayed and violated. As I was feeling these emotions, I was being told by a person I respect that this was "just a test" and I should "be grateful" and all that James 1:2 stuff that I just happened to read yesterday. And in that moment, I just became more angry and more frustrated. I got the impression that having these "negative" emotions made me less spiritual - less holy - than I was supposed to be.

So now I'm conflicted. We're told that emotions are from God. We should be in touch with them without letting them rule us. I wanted to take my moment and deal with my anger, and THEN see it from a better perspective. But is that right? Is that even remotely Biblical? Should I feel guilty for being angry?

In Ephesians 4:6 we are told, "In your anger do not sin." This seems to indicate that the anger itself is NOT sin. So how long am I allowed to be angry? Probably not long enough for it to turn to bitterness. I guess the bottomline is that after I've acknowledged my anger, I must choose to hand it to God and let Him deal with it. By completely avoiding the emotion and just stuffing it, it may likely come up in some inappropriate way further down the line.

So I choose to recognize my feelings and surrender them (and the situation) to the Lord. Now the whole thing is His problem.

Bound to Happen

I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I hoped, I prayed, but in the back of my mind I knew that eventually I'd have to deal with it.

My child is throwing up.

I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. I thought that when faced with this I would just add to the mess but so far, I've kept relatively calm and kept my lunch.

Wow, motherhood is fun.

Ebb and Flow

This is already shaping up to be one of those months when my schedule, even my life, is in a constant push/pull. Run here, run there, do this, that and the other. Hurry, get this done. Wait, you forgot to make this phone call! I'm trying to not succumb to the "tyranny of the urgent". Doing so means losing sight of the reason I do most of what I do - to love God, my family and others.

Big Girl

Today was the first day of Mother's Day Out. It was so strange for me to be packing a lunch for a 16 month old.

We got there, she walked into her room and barely looked back.

I thought I wasn't gonna have to feel this way until kindergarten!

Making the Jump

Up to this point, Jadyn has been pretty much in my care exclusively during the day. I've taken her with me when I've gone to staff meetings or put time in at the office. And up to this point, that was working fairly well. But her increase in age has meant an increase in her ability to drive me to distraction ad infinitum.

Last week I got the call I had forgotten I was expecting. Many months ago I contacted a local Mother's Day Out program, otherwise known as "Mother's Day of Sanity". Jadyn was put on a waiting list, a fact I eventually stored where I keep most information not necessary for getting through life as a working stay at home mother.

I was in Wal-Mart when I got the call. There was an opening for Jadyn. Did I want it?

I was torn. The idea of going to staff meeting and not chasing her around the room, preventing her from tipping over coffee cups or sticking her fingers in power sockets - well, that sounded wonderful. But handing her over for a full day to be cared for by others - well, that sounded a little scary. Socially, she would love it. Financially, could we handle it?

All the input from friends has been an emphatic, "DO IT!" They agree that once you do it, you will FIND the money to make it happen. So Paul and I talked about it and decided to swallow hard and make the jump.

Today we went to check out the room, meet the teachers and register. She walked into the room, picked up a ball and was immediately at home. I, on the other hand, proceded with trepidation, asking all sorts of questions about food, naps, play time, etc. Eventually I signed on the proverbial dotted line.

She starts on February 1st. I'm either so excited I'm scared or so scared I'm excited. I'm not sure which.

Tell me, fellow bloggers, whether or not you've entered the world of daycare, and how you've fared thus far!

Why I Love DaMomma

I wrote the following in response to today's post on DaMomma:

This post brought me to tears. My last grandparent, PopPop, just passed in December. Jadyn was his only great-grandchild, and though they met only once, I cherish the photo that captured this moment.

Before Jadyn came along, I never realized how much there was to fear in life. I too worry about the myriad of things over which I have no control, and I find myself especially concerned that she may make some of my most costly and painful mistakes, in spite of my trying to lead her away from them.

But I also never realized how much joy I was missing before she arrived. Every day brings something new to smile about. The sweet way she says “Bye-bye”, how she throws her hands up in cheer when I say “Roll Tide” (the Univ. of AL battle cry), how she says “Mama” when she sees a picture of me, the way she happily greets everyone with such innocent enthusiasm.

Thank you, Liz. Your writing inspires me to express my own heart.

Appointments

I love it when God puts people in your path so the crud in your past can be put to good use ministering to others.

Huh-uh

When your toddler begins to speak, it brings some amazing moments. Some are hilarious. Over the monitor this morning we heard Jadyn say, "All done", to indicate she was done sleeping and wanted someone to come get her. Some make you fear for your future. Today I experienced that one.

Jadyn loves things with buttons, namely phones and remote controls. It's an unending job to keep them from her, for fear she may either calls China or tell TiVo to record an entire day of OC Choppers. *sigh*

So just now I saw that she had once again absconded with the TiVo remote. Usually if she has something I'd rather she didn't have, I can ask her to hand or bring it to me and she readily complies. Today was different. She sat there playing with the remote and I reached out my hand and said, "Please give it to me."

She said, and I quote, "Huh-uh!"

Oh my great good Lord, are we ever in for it!

Crazy/Beautiful

So sorry I haven't posted in over two weeks. (No, Amanda Sue, I didn't take the month off after NaBloPoMo, tempting as that may be...)

When you're a director of children's ministry, December is a very busy time. Organizing kids activities, Parents' Night Out events and a volunteer apprecation luncheon have taken up much of the time that hasn't been spent doing personal Christmas stuff. It's a crazy time, but as I'm finding out thanks to the joyous response from my 15 month old, it's also beautiful.

Now, on top of all this, my grandfather (age 95) passed away yesterday. We (Jadyn and I) will be flying to PA tomorrow, and come back on Christmas Eve. Thankfully the weather report doesn't indicate any travel riskiness at this point.

I promise I'll post again before New Year. Until then....

I wish you peace in the midst of the bustle.
I wish you love even for those you don't like.
I wish you hope in a frightening age.
I wish you faith when it's difficult to believe.
I wish you joy that surpasses your understanding.

Merry Christmas, my blog friends. May it be delightful and meaningful for you and yours.

NaBloPoMo

Don't ask me about all the things I COULD have been doing instead of blogging....

30 days

I can't believe I did it. Funny, the things I stick with vs. the things I don't.

NaBloPoMo rocks!

Signing

My tiny sweet daughter has been sick for...um...ever (4 weeks) so today I took her back to the doctor. Actually we see this great nurse practitioner in a local clinic. We came home with stronger antibiotics and cough syrup with codiene (yes, sleep will now begin).

At the clinic, the LPN, doctor and staff all marvelled that my daughter communicates using sign language. She knows about 10-12 signs and uses most of them on her own without prompting. I admit that at times I have taken this communication skill for granted.

We came home, I gave her some of her medicine, and let her play while it "took". After a while, I looked at her and said, "Jadyn, do you want to go night-night?" And you know what she did? She signed, "Please."

Good Lord, I love that kid.

Dumbstruck

This may sound strange, but there are these moments in my life when suddenly the realization that I'm a mother hits me with the force of a freight train. I'm minding my own business, picking up toys or filling a sippy cup or ordering a Happy Meal with a toddler toy, and WHAMMO. In the blink of an eye I'm reeling from the dizzying notion that this little person will spend the next several years looking to ME for answers. I can't believe that someone as clueless as I am could actually be responsible for the health and wellbeing (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) of this tiny little wonder. This blond, blue eyed angel who runs toward me with abandon, giving me a great big smile while hugging me and patting me on the back. I think she picked this up from me. I tend to pat her back when she needs comforted.

Maybe she understands my cluelessness after all, and is just trying to comfort me through it.

Step Into Christmas

Tonight was our town's annual Christmas parade, complete with marching bands of varying qualities, carloads of dolled-up cheerleaders brandishing sparkly pompoms, fire trucks making very loud noises, floats decorated in the "Christmas Around the World" theme, and marching packs of children from all sorts of local organizations. Paul, Jadyn and I watched from the sidewalk in front of his office, accompanied by folks from our church. Jadyn was happily being passed back and forth from person to person. She marvelled at the lights, boogied to the music and learned how to wave her best toddler-style Miss America wave back at the "Miss Whoevers".

I love small-town life.

The Most Wonderful Time

We yanked out all the Christmas decorations yesterday. No, we still haven't set any out. In my strange little world, you can't decorate a house until it's clean. And since my world has been crazy lately, I took today's decorating time to actually clean up. Maybe I'll get the pretty stuff out tomorrow during Jadyn's nap....unless I take one too.

Maybe the stuff will be up next week...we'll see.

Less than a week

This NaBloPoMo thing is wearing on me. I haven't put much thought into my requisite post of the day. Sorry, I know that's lame.

So we went to Wal-Mart this evening. It was much as I expected, with the exception of toys being placed for sale on the endcaps of the grocery aisles. Wow, are they ever pushing the kid stuff! I'm so glad Jadyn doesn't "get" it yet. I may be in for it next year.

Not-So-Black Friday

In a stroke of genius, Jadyn and I didn't leave the house today. After watching the evening news and seeing the absolute craziness that falls on humanity while entering retail stores at 4:30 AM, I am very glad we hung out at home all day. I'm fairly certain the one toy I really want for Jadyn will still be available later in the season. And if it's not, it isn't as if she'd know the difference. Heck, at this point she's wildly entertained by a cardboard box in our living room.

Sounds like a MasterCard commercial, doesn't it?!

Thankful

Today, I'm thankful for:

• My sweet hubby, who makes me laugh, makes me think, and keeps me real.
  
• My darling little girl, who dances and plays peek-a-boo like no one else.
• My friends, who like me for me while challenging me to grow.
• My parents, who have been supportive through all the craziness of my life.

I'm also thankful that there's a Thanksgiving potluck at our church so I don't have to cook the entire meal for just 3 people. All I have to do is bring one dish. Woo-hoo!

Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, I encourage you to take a moment think about what you have to be thankful for.

What am I, crazy?

I went to the store on the Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving. Yep, it was me and the 2000 other lunatics who aren't very good at reading a calendar and planning ahead. I hope this is not indicative of how I handle the rest of this holiday season.

Still working on being thankful

The clutch in Paul's truck went out today. I had a doctor appointment smack in the middle of Jadyn's nap time and I had to take her with me. My shoulder has been in pain all day - to the point that I can't pick Jadyn up.

It hasn't been an overwhelmingly wonderful day. But I'm thankful that we have a second vehicle, that I have health care and insurance, and that I have a daughter to pick up in the first place.

Off Road

I'm finally home - thankfully. Travelling alone with a toddler can be very exhausting. I'd post more, but I don't have much energy left.

Road Trip

Jadyn and I took a little overnight trip to Alabama. I just gotta say - Benadryl is a wonderful drug. The hard part is single-handedly keeping her out of everything that is not yet babyproofed. Kudos to all you single parents out there. I have no idea how you do it.

Cars

Ok, have you seen this movie? Oh my gosh! How could I have not seen this before now? Shoo-in for best animated picture, and Paul thinks maybe it should even be nominated for Best Picture.

If you haven't seen it, go rent it. NOW!

Girls' Night Out

I am so excited! We're having a girls' night on the town and I'm SO looking forward to this! Dinner, bowling, and I'm sure we'll have lots of laughs.

Tell me, when's the last time you got together with your circle of friends???

TiVo

Ah, what a wonderous invention. Since we got TiVo, about 2 weeks ago, we have often wondered aloud how we managed without such entertainment innovation.

As if watching TV shows whenever we want is actually a need.

But pausing and rewinding live TV really does come in handy when you miss a pivotal line in LOST because your toddler picked that moment to test out her vocal capacity.

NaBloPoMo halftime

I've made it to the halfway point. I can't believe I'm still doing it - posting every day. Crazy, the silly commitments I stick to and the serious ones I give up on. There must be some meaning to it.

One Word

Respond using only one word. Yeah, that's just SOOO natural a fit for me.

You can only type one word. No explanations.

1. Yourself:
becoming

2. Your significant other
grounded

3. Your hair?
shorter

4. Your mother:
cooking

5. Your Father:
gregarious

6. Your Favorite Item:
photos

7. Your dream last night:
forgettable

8. Your Favorite drink:
diet dr pepper

9. Your Dream Car:
infiniti

10. The room you are in:
smallish

11. Your Ex:
forgotten

12. Your fear:
rejection

13. What you want to be in 10 years:
healthy

14. Who you hung out with last night?
Jadyn

15. What You're Not?
thin

16. Muffins:
blueberry

17: One of Your Wish List Items:
ski-doo

18: Time:
short

19. The Last Thing You Did:
tivoed

20. What You Are Wearing:
leggings

21. Your Favorite Weather:
fall

22. Your Favorite Book:
Nicholas Sparks

23. The Last Thing You Ate:
chicken

24. Your Life:
cluttered

25. Your Mood:
calm

26. Your best friend (s):
challenging

27. What are you thinking about right now?
House

28. Your car:
minivan

29. What are you doing at the moment?
tv

30. Your summer:
humid

31. Your relationship status:
stable

32. What is on your tv?
House

33. What is the weather like?
chilly

34. When is the last time you laughed?
morning

Circle of Friends

Every girl needs a group of friends - folks who know her and like her anyway. We're having a gathering of the girl group this weekend, and I can't wait. We're celebrating Martha's birthday in style - with no kids.

Gotta love it.

RENT Review

Ok, I had no idea what to expect, but Rent was amazing!

When we got there, the stage was open. I looked at the set and was so confused because I couldn't figure out how all those scenes could be played on that one stage. And the band was on the stage with the cast in this little box!

Soon the cast came out, and WHAMMO, it was awesome! So many more numbers than were in the movie. The whole story was richer and fuller. Experiencing it live was 100x better than seeing it at home via DVD.

The part of Roger was played by a Brit, which was kind of different. Instead of an American rock god, he was more of an angry punk rocker. It was not what I was expecting and it took a while to adjust to it.

The cast was talented and it was obvious they were having fun while working hard.

I came away wanting to run away and join a theater troupe.

RENT

Paul and I are going to see a stage production of Rent tonight. I'm so excited! I loved the movie and the soundtrack. I hear it's tons better on stage. YAY!

LOST

Love it.

Poetry

Amazing, the thoughts that come flowing at you while you're driving.


To Let Me Out

The pain ebbs and flows
Like the tide but never goes away
All the way

I can’t get a grip, shut my lips,
My heart as touchy as
My fingertips

I’ve felt stuck in the muck and mire
And I’m tired of the fight to
Get my head right,
Understand who I am and who I’m not
And what’s what.

How ironic that I blame
The same One who
Came to free me from
Shame
So I could finally change.

I’ve got a choice,
Raise my voice
Give it up and then rejoice
Because if I let him, He
Can set me free
And let me see
Who He made me to be.

I now avow
To allow Him
To remove my sacred cow,
My right to hurt, to avert
The healing He wants to exert.

I must
Let Him in
To let me out.

Me, Myself and I

I saw this on Nova's Heart and thought I'd try it out. Since my last name is fairly common, I used my maiden name. Apparently, I'm in a class all by myself.

HowManyOfMe.com

There is: 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

I KNEW I was unique!

Recipe Request

Ok, Amanda Sue asked me for the recipe for the soup I mentioned in a previous post. So here goes:

THE Soup (We call it that because it's THAT special to us.)
1 can chicken broth
1 can beef broth
1 can Progresso Minestrone Soup
1 cup Acini de Pepe pasta or some other teeny tiny pasta
1 box frozen chopped spinach
1 lb ground beef
1 or 2 cups of already cooked chicken, cut into small pieces (I often use leftover made the day or two before)

First, roll ground beef into 1 inch meatballs and brown them. Don't forget to drain them.

Cook the pasta in the broths. (It adds flavor to the pasta, trust me.)

Combine all ingredients, stir, and put on medium heat till it's all hot. This feeds 6-8 big servings at least. It also freezes well.

I think I figured out

...how to start dealing with me - the real icky parts. At least, I may be close to knowing how to start. At the very least, I feel a renewed sense of hope that I won't always be the utter mess I seem to be now.

I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

Sometimes...

...I am way too emotional about the stupidest stuff. How am I supposed to be real when all that comes out when I'm trying to be real is crap? Is there anything real about me that isn't crap?

Drive

I'm at a church leadership conference at North Point near Atlanta. I can already say it is worth the effort to be here. The big thing I got from tonight's session was that I can't fill someone else's cup - all I can do is empty out my own of what I have to offer. Wow.

How do you know...

...if a friendship is over? When they stop talking to you all together? Or when they finally only talk to you in basic pleasantries? How do you know if it's worth fighting for? When there's a rift and you thought it was repaired, what do you do when the chasm seems to still exist? Addressing these questions has become the preoccupation of my thoughts and prayers lately. I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Something Completely Different

Our church has a potluck every month, and each month has a different theme. Typically I don't prepare anything because I'm not that good a cook. Usually we just give money instead. But this month, the theme is "Soups & Stews", and I just had to participate.

I've made "The Soup". This is a family favorite called THE soup because we have no better name for it. It's sort of based on Italian Wedding Soup. It's perfect for chilly weather and I love it because it fits this season so perfectly.

So now, I'm going to eat some. Yum.

Shaken, not Stirred

We got up early this morning, got everyone ready and headed out to the hospital. Despite our best efforts we were 5 minutes late.

I had more pictures taken of my insides before I was ushered to an outpatient room. I had to wear one of those mortifying gowns and these odd panty-hose with no toes. They stuck me with an IV and eventually wheeled me into a "holding" room before the procedure.

Eventually some doctor with good drugs put something in my IV and I was asleep on the table. I don't even remember falling asleep. I do, however, remember waking up and vomiting. Apparently my body doesn't like general anesthetics.

I finally became somewhat conscious while I was being wheeled back to my room. Paul had put Jadyn in a hospital crib so she could take a nap. Poor thing was konked out. Eventually they let me go, but not before proving I could "void" without problems.

All of this took about 4 1/2 hours. It felt like forever at some points. I'm tired and groggy and a bit bruised on the side, but all in all, I'll survive.

Sonic Boom

So, this kidney stone is large -8 mm. Too big to be passed. The solution, therefore, is to put me through some sort of sonic shaking procedure which should pulverize the thing so it can be passed with less pain.

All this from drinking too much milk. Apparently, it does not always do a body good.

A Stone's Throw Away

Ok, in honor of NaBloPoMo (see the button on the sidebar), I hereby enter my first post. Warning: TMI.

This month started off rather painfully. I awoke at 5 AM in terrible pain. It was reminiscent of labor on pitocin, but was just on my left side and went around to my back. After some groggy deliberation (and some getting sick) we decided to get everyone up and ready to go to the ER. Of course, the one in town is not in our insurance network so we had to drive 30 minutes away.

So I answered a bunch of questions (some more than once), gave up some bodily fluids and had a CAT scan. That was kind of like being put on a big table and being passed through the window of a laundromat dryer. Finally it was announced that I have a kidney stone. A large one, it would seem. So this afternoon I'm off to the urologist to find out more about the tiny rock rolling around inside me. Until then, it's lots of liquids and - get this - straining the liquid I produce to catch any bits potentially passed in the process.

If this is any indicator of what the month will be like, let's just skip to the Christmas Carols and get it over with.

Seasons Change

First of all, the camping trip went ...well... well, I suppose. Other than some marital communication snafus, we had fun. Jadyn seemed to have a great time. She slept as well as I could have expected and enjoyed the group during her wake time. All in all, I'm glad we did it.

So the temperature has finally dropped, the leaves are gradually fading from green to gold and red. I can smell it in the air, and I love it. Fall has always been my favorite season. Too bad we only get 2 or 3 weeks of it here in Just North of Hell, Mississippi. We're looking forward to taking Jadyn out trick or treating. Not that she can eat the candy or will bother to even get any, but how could I resist taking her out in her cute little costume. She's going to be a fairy princess, although I'm almost sure she won't wear her crown and she'll try to eat her wand. Ah well, cuteness is assured no matter what. I promise I'll post pics on her site.

Church Camp

This weekend a group of families from our church is going camping together at a local campground. I, in a possible moment of insanity, decided this was something we should do. We bought a tent and other necessary outdoorsy items. I packed them all up and loaded up the van.

Now, let me say at this point that the last time I was tent camping I was a teenager and my parents were the "in-charge, responsible" people. They knew what to do and they did it. That was 20 years ago and now I'm the parent. I'm the one who's supposed to know what to do and how to do it. I'm supposed to be in charge and responsible. How exactly did this happen!?!?

Anyway, this morning we (meaning Jadyn and I) headed off to the campsite to set up. Since it's local we could do it during the day and then come home and wait for Paul to get home from work. I knew setting up would be a challenge and I didn't want to have to do it in the dark.

If it weren't for the help of some sweet friends, I'd still be there trying to figure out how to put rod A into hole B. No, it wasn't really that difficult. After all, this is a brand new tent, not the kind from my parents' age of antiquities. But Jadyn wanted all sorts of attention (crazy, isn't it?) so some folks helped distract her while others put the tent up in lightening speed while I pulled out the rest of the gear and tried to get organized.

The others left, and suddenly I was on my own with a tired, hungry 13 month old at a partially assembled camp site. And as I managed the chaos, I realized I was actually managing the chaos! Jadyn was fussy but not a screaming banchee. I handled it! I was sort of stunned by my apparently latent ability to "be the mom". I fed Jadyn, we left the campsite in a state of relative order, and we got home for Jadyn's nap.

Maybe it sounds silly that I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something so minimal. But parenthood has shaken out of lot of the self-confidence I used to have. I'm fighting to get it back. And it looks like I'm winning.

8 Years

Happy Anniversary to us.

Tuesdays with Morrie

If you haven't read and/or seen it, do so. ASAP. Well worth the time.

A bit unrelatable

So, because over 500 years ago some guy landed on the wrong continent, I can't get mail or go to the bank. Strange, the things we Americans honor.

Start All Over Again

I was at a convention for MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) last weekend. It was impacting and life-altering on many levels. The amazing thing is that most of the life-altering stuff happened with the group of people I was with - some of my closest friends.

One of the speakers was Wess Stafford, of Compassion International. He shared his story which evoked and clarified some strong feelings with which I have struggled for a long time. I feel like I finally looked straight-on at the lies I was believing and saw them for what they were. I saw how they have influenced so many of my behaviors over the years. And most importantly, I really began to believe I can change.

Before I left, Paul bought the new Sara Groves CD "Add to the Beauty". When I got back, I popped it in the van's CD player and I have yet to take it out. My favorite song sums up a lot of where I'm at right now.

Just Showed Up

by Sara Groves and Joel Hanson

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Arrgggh, me mateys!

Happy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!

Don't know how to talk like a pirate? Click HERE.

Toddler Mommy

So apparently I am no longer a "Baby Mama" - I am now a "Toddler Mama". Yes, my sweet tiny little baby girl is now a full-fledged toddler. She turned 1 on Sunday - see pics on her blog. She's eating solid food that she can pick up herself. She is signing some words and even saying a few. ("Dunck-Oo" is thank you, I think.) She takes several steps on her own. And, she's trying to climb things. I'm in trouble. Big BIG trouble.

I am frequently told how "easy" Jadyn is. And I suppose, compared to most, she is. But I'm already seeing how I'm going to be running crazy trying to keep up with her. She's very busy - into everything and curious about how things work. She loves life and seems to want to get all she can out of it. I'm thrilled about this - it's wonderful to see the world through the life of a child. The way she catches on to things is amazing. She knows to beat a drum with a stick, play her xylophone with a mallet, and mimics noises from her toys. Gosh, I love being a mommy.

My Name is Earl

Ok, I hate to admit it, but I love the TV show My Name is Earl. It's goofy and trailer-trashy, but there's always a good message in the end. If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend it. Just when you're about to pee yourself laughing, you may find yourself on the brink of tears. And just when your lower lip is about to quiver itself into a sob, you'll bust a gut again. Stupid brilliance. I love it.

Yard Sale Mania

So I'm doing a joint yard sale with 2 friends of mine. We're trying to raise money for our trip to the MOPS convention. It is absolutely stunning just how much junk I've accumulated that I can live without. And we've received tons of donations. It's even MORE amazing how much junk OTHER people have accumulated that they're willing to get rid of. As George Carlin says, our homes are sometimes just "places for our stuff".

Yankee Amanda Pills

	Yankee Amanda Pills: Will cause you to get a song stuck in your head for over a day
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

35

So this is what it feels like to hit middle age. Wasn't it just last week I was 29?

WHHEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!!!!!

So, we're all moved in. Yeah, that was fun. I really want God to just strike me dead if I suggest moving again in the next 5 years. That is, unless Paul gets offered the most rockin' job ever and the company will not only pay for packers and movers but also the therapy that I will no doubt need.

In other news, our church's pastor left to take a job somewhere in Virginia, so we've had quite a lot of transition there. We still haven't figured it all out but I think it's sort of a good thing that we haven't. I mean, heck, if we could figure it all out on our own, what exactly would we need God for, anyway?

I have an 11 month old pre-toddler who is in the raging throes of teething. She was awake quite a bit in the wee hours of the morning, poor dear, crying her little eyes out. The cry sounded a lot like the baby version, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???" The morning nap didn't go much better. She's down now thanks to baby tylenol. I'm hoping she sleeps for hours but I'm also sort of a realist.

It's still hard dealing with the loss of our friends Chris and Leah and their kids. The other day Paul started a sentence by saying, "Now that Chris is dead..." and I stopped him before he could continue the thought because I just couldn't absorb it. Odd. It's been almost 2 months, and it's still a rather foreign concept.

I expect that I'll be back to posting on a more regular basis now. Thanks for your patience.

It's Gonna Be OK

Yes, I've been in a posting haitus. Moving can do that to a person.

So we finally got into the new house on Saturday. With the help of a great bunch of friend from church, we got in all the basics. Pros are moving our more fragile items this Friday. We still have lots of odds and ends and junk in the old house that has got to make it back in this house by the end of the month. I have NO idea where we're going with all this stuff because we're now in a smaller house. But somehow it is all going to be ok.

It's been a very rough couple of weeks. I feel like I'm finally on the upswing.

The Slowing of the Merry-Go-Round

It's getting better. We closed on both houses (the sale and the purchase) and I have some amazing friends in our small group who have stepped up and seriously helped me deal with this move. One friend just pops over anytime she has a spare 20 minutes and packs a few boxes. Another friend, her dad and her girls (who regularly watch Jadyn on Thursdays while I am at staff meeting) secretly packed my entire kitchen, took everything to the new house (got a key from my hubby) and put everything away. I was stunned when I got there today and saw all they had done.

Not that the craziness hasn't continued. On Tuesday my washing machine died. Kaputt. No chance of resurrection. So we need a new one. And we've discovered that the fridge we already own won't fit in the whole designated for it in the new house. So we need a new fridge. Ugh.

In the midst of all this, friends have brought over meals, done loads of our laundry, and offered much needed moral support. I'm very grateful.

Thank God, once again, for the Body of Christ. This is what it's all about.

I will be so glad....

...when this move is over and we can be all settled in our new house. This craziness is about to kill me.

Drama

I can't get into all of it, but it seems like right now there is so much drama surrounding my life and the life of my friends that I'm beginning to wonder if I'm living on the TNT channel.

Here at Chez Crazy...

...it just doesn't seem to stop. It's a long and winding story but the one sentence version is that we are now buying a different but (in most ways) better house. We close on the house we're selling AND the one we're buying all next week.

July promises to be a whirlwind month, and I'm just gonna hang on for dear life. Pray for sanity. Good thing that Jadyn is such a resilient kid, plays well independently and takes regular naps.

Oh, and about that thing I asked y'all to pray about a few weeks ago? Yeah, the answer was no. Hubby career stuff. Ya know.

Warning for the next month: posting may be sporatic and a little nonsensical at times.

Moving...

...is a pain in the arse. I hate wrapping dishes, collecting boxes, packing boxes, figuring out where to PUT said boxes. You'd think for having done this now 9 times in less than 8 years, I'd have this down to a science. But it is to the point that I just want to settle down somewhere.

The house we're buying isn't perfect, but the market where we live is so crazy that it's the best out there in our range. And it needs work. I think mentally I'm approaching it to an "I won't be there long" attitude, simply because we haven't stayed anywhere longer than a year since 2002. I'm going a little crazy. The idea of roots just feels so foreign that I can't really let it sink in.

I'm trying to readjust my thinking so that I can embrace the idea that we will be in this house a few years and we'll have time to do some great things with it. It's going to be a good place for Jadyn to grow in and a nice place to have friends gather for parties, small group functions, etc.

Being nomadic for so long has really messed with my head.

Loss Lessons

When you lose folks you care about it's hard to see anything positive. But the loss of my dear friends Chris & Leah and their sweet children Miller and Mallory has brought home two important lessons for my husband and I:

1. If you don't live near your family, make sure your local friends know how to get in touch with them. Our friends lived in AZ after having lived in TN for several years. We knew them from their days in AL. So when all this happened, people in AZ called people in TN and then people in TN called us to see if we could help remember the names of the family so they could be contacted. It was quite an ordeal. I'm sure it had never even occured to Chris and Leah to inform the folks out there of the names of their families. So we have decided to make a "who to contact" list and make sure that at least 3 friends have copies. No need to make a difficult time more stressful if we can do something to avoid it.

2. Don't wait for bad news get you back in contact with good friends. In an effort to find the family and then to spread the news, we talked to some folks we hadn't talked to in one or in some cases two years. We're grateful that we finally got to catch up, but we were sorry it took a situation like this to make it happen. Seriously, we live in the electronic age when it only takes a few moments to shoot a "hey, how ya been" email to someone. Are we really too busy for even just that?

3. Any time you talk to someone could be the last so make sure they know you care. We all know this in theory but the reality of it truly hits home when you have to look back and KNOW that the last conversation you had was all you got to say to them on this side.

4. It's different when you know them. So many times we hear these stories on the news and think, "Oh, how tragic" and then go about our business without another thought. But this time wasn't like that. We read the stories online and even watched video clips of the tv coverage. It's gut-wrenching when you had real-life experiences with the victims. We were in small group with this couple. We went to see them in the hospital after the birth of both their children. We helped them move twice. We went out to eat with them and played with their kids. We went to church and concerts with them. And now they're hanging out with Jesus, and we miss them.

It's true that "All things work together for the good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28a) and I have to cling to that with blind faith in times like these when it's very tempting to believe that the Lord, who never slumbers or sleeps, may have blinked.

One Glad Mourning

Our dear friends, Chris and Leah Walls, along with their young children Miller and Mallory, are before the Throne having the ultimate worship experience. They were taken in a car accident out in Arizona. We mourn them but we rejoice that they are with Jesus, which is the best place to be, and they are all together.

The story is here: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/0617fatalcrash-ON.html
I warn you, it's not an easy read.

God, please hug them for me, and tell them I miss them.

Away, Away, Away

Ok, I know it's been ages since I posted. Please forgive me. I think I went crazy.

Actually, my 94 year old grandfather up in PA got pretty sick and we all thought this would be "it" so I packed up Jadyn and myself and got us on a flight up there. Actually, I drove 2.5 hours to a "nearby" airport, flew 2 hours, then drove from that airport about 3.5 hours to his house. Yes, it was an ordeal, and my darling girl spent a total of about 12 hours in her car seat in one day and was mostly content. What a trooper. Oh, and thank the good Lord above for Benadryl. And for helpful people at the airport. You should have seen me pushing Jadyn in her stroller with one hand and a cart full of luggage with the other.

So we were up there for a week. It was good to see the "old stomping grounds" (though I never stomped, so it's a bit of a misnomer), to hang out with a dear friend I've known over 20 years (how on earth did we get this old?) and to let Jadyn spend more quality time with her Oma and Opa. Most importantly, this is most likely the one and only time she'd get to meet her only great grandparent, my Poppop. We went several times to see him in the hospital, contrary to the advisings of friends who said "staph infections are rampant, don't do it". She didn't freak out. Not once. She smiled and laughed as he made silly noises at her. And I got the best picture I could have ever hoped for. She looks for all the world like she knows she's there to help him feel better.

She'll never remember this trip. We'll pull out this picture and tell her about it till she can recite it anecdotally, yet she won't have any personal memory of it. But I will. And I'm glad. All the expense, all the driving, all the worry about how she'd handle it, it was all worth it.

By the way, Poppop rallied (he's just too stubborn to give up) and so far is holding his own. And my reward for all of this? Jadyn finally said, "Mama." We were at the hospital in Poppop's room.

One more time, just ONE more time

Ok, first of all, this is not what y'all have been praying about. I may not be able to tell you about that for a few more weeks. In the meantime, it wouldn't hurt if you'd pray a little more.

Now, it was almost a year ago that we were given the "rock and hard spot" decision to either move or accept a pay cut. So at 9 months pregnant, we moved. Not enviable. We chose to rent a new residence and then rented out our house. Not ideal. The lease is up at the end of July and is not renewable on a month-to-month basis. Not optimum. The lease on our own house is not up until November. Not convenient.

But the tenants want to buy our house and are willing to get it done soon enough for us to purchase a house here with enough time to move by the end of our lease. Miraculous.

God help me, we're moving again - hopefully just ONE MORE TIME!

Now, pray we find a house in our price range that isn't in need of having it's chimney jacked up and a new house slid underneath.

If you think of us....

If you happen to think of us at all on Tuesday, please say a prayer. Life-altering stuff could happen on Tuesday. If you're not the praying type, well....what could it hurt to pray just this once?

I'll tell you why later. Not now. SSSssshhhhh!!!

Stupid Girls

I love reading Elizabeth at "Motherhood is Not for Wimps" because she's authentic and grounded yet has high ambitions. She really seems to capture the essence of mothering in all it's gut-wrenching reality. She recently posted a vignette (she calls them vinagrettes) about having "retold" some of the Disney princess stories to her daughtery Mary, without the emphasis on outward beauty. It made me laugh - it made me think.

Lots of people, friends and strangers, remark at how pretty Jadyn is. And I appreciate that. I just don't want that to be all she is. I don't want her so fooled into thinking that is her identity that she becomes completely lost without it. I want her to know herself and all the gorgeous things God built into her that have nothing to do with her external appearance.

I like the song "Stupid Girl" by Pink - not ALL the lyrics since some are a little raunchy - because she talks about not wanting to be like these vapid beauties who seem to be running rampant on our tvs. Here's just a little taste of the lyrics:

Go to Fred Segal, you'll find them there
Laughing loud so all the little people stare
Looking for a daddy to pay for the champagne
(Drop a name)
What happened to the dreams of a girl president
She's dancing in the video next to 50 Cent
They travel in packs of two or three
With their itsy bitsy doggies and their teeny-weeny tees
Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?
Oh where, oh where could they be?

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
What a paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blonde hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

(Break it down now)
Disease's growing, it's epidemic
I'm scared that there ain't a cure
The world believes it and I'm going crazy
I cannot take any more
I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see
Disasters all around
World despaired
Their only concern
Will they (mess) up my hair

My First* Mother's Day

*I was pregnant this time last year so technically that would be my first Mother's Day, but this was the first one with a baby that was extra-utero.

This was a day that was very long in coming. Many years I would dread going to church on Mother's Day, especially on those "special" years when the church did baby dedication on the same day. It got to the point where I would just walk out because I couldn't stand it. And my "friends", all of whom were fertile as the Nile Valley, never seemed to understand why it was so difficult. They looked at me with this pitiful expression, as if they were thinking how weak I was that I couldn't just "deal with it".

The church we attend now, where I work, decided to deal with Mother's Day differently this year. Based on an idea from one of our members, we had a panel discussion about motherhood. 4 of us moms with different backgrounds and in different stages of life all talked about our experiences and things we've learned. 2 of us, myself included, got to share about our struggles with infertility. It was a creative way to deal with a topic that can be either stale and boring (the classic Honor Your Mother sermon) or frustrating and painful (if your mother has died or if you are having trouble becoming one).

I'm really glad our church leadership was willing to step outside the norm and address this in such a unique and thought-provoking manner. And I was honored to be part of the panel. I was the "newbie" of the group - the first-time mom with the youngest baby. I was awed by the wisdom that came from the other mothers, and hopeful that maybe one little thing I had to say made a difference to someone. I'm mindful of those couples still dealing with the agony of infertility and how heart-wrenching days like today can be. More than anything, I'm so grateful for my sweet daughter Jadyn, and I pray that I can be worthy of being her mother.

More posts at....

Jadyn's Journey. Click now. NOW, I said!

On My Toes

Sometimes I think God likes to keep me on my toes by throwing things into my life - good things and more "challenging" things - that I just didn't expect. It's my guess that one of His motivations for this is to keep me going back to Him for guidance and strength.

Thursday Thirteen!




Thirteen Things aboutYankee Amanda's work history 1. My first job was working in an ice cream shop for a summer. I didn't like it. 2. I worked at a local outlet mall that sold women's lingerie and men's shirts. What a combo. 3. I was a busgirl at a restaurant. That's where I first discovered that I have crowd claustrophobia. I hate being enclosed by people with no easy way out. 4. I was a checker at our local grocery store. It was owned by Mennonites and all women had to wear skirts or dresses. I later worked in the meat department of that same store. Oddly enough, the meat department was owned by someone else, but also Mennonite, so I still had to wear a skirt. 5. During college I worked at a place that did telemarketing research - you know, call strangers up and ask them to do surveys. I hated it. 6. After my first term as a missionary I went to work in a wood shop building cabinet doors. I think this is the job that surprises people most. 7. When I went back to college I worked in another local grocery store in the - yes - meat department. The boss was crass and I didn't like it. 8. I got a job working in the college cafeteria working in the dishwashing area. Ick. That led to doing data entry for the catering department, which led to being a conference liaison for the summer conference program at the college. That was cool. 9. I got paid to design a website for a college program I was involved in - a mock European Union project. 10. I was an intern at the PA House of Representatives. It was during the Monica Lewinsky scandal, so I heard a lot of jokes. 11. The internship led me to my first post-college job, working as an lobbyist aid for the Sierra Club of PA. 12. I worked for the church I attended for over 2 years as a "ministry assistant". That's all I have to say about that. 13. My last job was as a bankruptcy clerk for a collections agency. Very eye-opening. I didn't really like it, but I met some nice people. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. poopydigs 2. geggie 3. guppyman 4. carmen 5. denise 6. carolyn 7. karen 8. present storm 9. moogie 10. undercover angel 11. angie 12. skittles




Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

View More Thursday Thirteen Participants



Sleepblogging

Why is it that while laying in bed trying to fall asleep I can mentally compose a perfectly brilliant blog post, but when I sit at my computer the next day all I hear in my head is, "Uuhhh.....*cricket chirp*......"????

Great Expectations

Today was Paul's first day at his new job, and the boss took the staff (including 2 other new members) out to lunch. Not only was I invited, but they PAID for my lunch! Let me tell you, this is quite a difference from past experiences. And we had so much fun laughing and talking about movies and slang and all sorts of things. The whole atmosphere was so fresh and welcoming. Paul seems remarkably more at ease and generally happier. I'm looking forward to hearing how the day went for him.

Change is a good thing.