Personal Mad Libs

I'm not as _____________ as I thought I was. That realization makes me _____________. And if I tell you how I feel, you'll probably think I'm ________________.

You say I should ____________ but when I try I'm usually ______________. When that happens, it's easier if I ____________.

Sometimes, I ___________ being ____________.

(Yeah, it's been that kind of week....)

Wounds

I am beginning to understand that there aren't really many new wounds. Just old wounds that keep getting reopened. If the original wound hasn't healed, the pain is easily refreshed.

Ouch.

What we're made for...

While in PA for my youth group reunion, I had a very interesting talk with my friend Matt. We were commenting how fast all of our kids are growing up - how some people we knew as teenagers had children who were in their teens. It was so shocking to see how fast time seemed to be going for all of us. At this point Matt commented on something he heard Ravi Zacharias once say. I can't remember all the specifics but the general idea was this:

Fish were made for water. It would be very strange for them to constantly be surprised by the wetness of water. A cat, on the other hand, is constantly surprised by how wet water is.
We as humans are surprised at the passage of time because we were not made for time. We were made for eternity.

It took me several moments to let that soak in. And it continues to pop up again in my thinking.

I just thought I'd share.

An Update from Chez Crazy

Wow. 6 weeks since my last update. Insane...like my life.

Hm, let's see. Work is....well, see the thing about work is, I work with college students. You would think this would be a group of people of which the best can be expected. Not necessarily so. These "students" - and I use the term somewhat loosely after having seen some of their transcripts - are used to Mom and Dad handling their affairs for them. They are thoroughly shocked that we require them to be responsible for their own information.

I worry desperately for the future of America.

I am in the Summer Musical Revue with the Starkville Community Theatre. This is my first time on stage for a production other than with church since high school. I am so energized by the experience - the music, the staging, the cast, all of it. I didn't realize how much I missed the stage until I got back on it.

Our family headed north for vacation. We were in PA and Ohio, where we enjoyed much cooler weather and the company of friends and family. Jadyn was a trooper, despite short (or non-existent) naps. She experienced her first amusement park rides and, with the exception of the Tilt-A-Whirl, had a blast. I suspect she inherited her Opa's tendency towards nausea while spinning. The trip itself was a day longer than planned, due to an unexpected overnight lay-over in Memphis. Never have I been so thankful to return to Mississippi. The trip was great, but you reach a point where all you want is to sleep in your own bed and pee in your own potty.

(Pictures will appear on Jadyn's blog soon - I almost promise.)

Lately I've been feeling kind of disconnected from my church family. That is due, in part, to having been gone for 2 Sundays. But after having been on staff and being so closely involved in the goings-on of the community, it's been a long and difficult adjustment to my new position on the edge. I feel different. Not necessarily bad, but not the same. I am trying to look at my life as having entered a new chapter. I'm encountering new people, finding new communities for myself. But I still feel a bit "homesick".

Where the heck have I been?

I know, its been way too long since I posted anything truly interesting. You'll have to forgive me. It's been about 4 years since I had a full-time job, and it's taken some adjustment. And just because I haven't posted anything interesting, that doesn't mean I haven't experienced anything interesting. I may, in fact, start a theme for upcoming posts. Something to the effect of "Why I Worry for the Future of America", subtitled "College Kids and the Stupid Things They Say".

My boss, who's been at the college for 18 years, has more than once threatened to write a book.

Finally

Ok so I haven't posted for while, but I have news.


I GOT A JOB! I'm the Assistant Registrar for East Mississippi Community College. YAY!

I've gotta say, doing a 40 hour week has been quite a change, for all of us.

Don't you just hate it when...

...you're expecting a phone call and the phone doesn't ring, and doesn't ring, and doesn't ring...

Mysterious Ways

Sometimes it tickles me how God chooses to talk to me.

I have been watching way too much daytime TV while I am scouring employment websites for job leads. Today I happened upon an episode of Scrubs that was actually about how God is in charge and things "happen for a reason". One of the characters even quoted Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Ok, so she really said "all things work for good" but she did actually give the reference.

I've been sitting here feeling horrible about myself because of the seeming endless parade of "they went with another candidate" responses to my job hunt. And God has been trying to tell me that He is in control and He can be trusted. Apparently I haven't been listening very well because He resorted to a sit-com to get His point across.

I love how He makes me laugh.

Finally, a Post with a Change of Pace

As a family we decided to paint a cement bulldog to be auctioned off at an area arts festival later this month. (The bulldog is the mascot of the Mississippi State University.) The theme is Memphis - because MSU played in the Liberty Bowl there past January. There are all sorts of things that go with that theme, so we were told to just get creative, have fun and provide a picture and short essay about our bulldog.

Here's our entry, being submitted tonight:

Grill Master Bully

This creation comes from Amanda – with largely moral support from husband Paul and daughter Jadyn. This little guy is taking care of business, Memphis style! He’s dressed for grilling in his TCB MSU collar and “Pet the Cook” apron. Armed with his trusty basting brush and his grilling cookbook, he’s whipped up some barbeque and licked up the Liberty Bowl! He’d be a great companion on your own culinary adventures – be they by the grill outside or the stove indoors.

Plodding Along

It sometimes takes enormous effort to believe that a fruitless job search does not indicate personal or professional uselessness.

OK...

So I'm not so bad. And I recognize that a big part of what I'm struggling with is believing lies about myself. It's true that I need to hear what God thinks of me. And I need to hear this without the filter of others. I need to hear it directly from Him, because people have muddied the waters for me - even people who meant well.

Stay tuned for installments of "Lies I Believed and the Truths that Correct Them". This should be interesting....at least to me.

Revelation

Ok, so people called me brave after my last big self-exposing post. I warn you, this is bigger, deeper and uglier. I could barely face it myself, but I feel like I have to deal with it to get beyond it and to keep from passing it on to Jadyn.







I was lying awake the other night wrestling with a gnawing pain in me that I couldn't name. As I began to think on it and allow myself to really feel it, I realized what it could be.

I think I may hate myself. Maybe I always have, as far back as I can remember. I can't think of much I truly like about myself. Even the things I try to see as good are laced with negatives. I second-guess everything I see in me that could have any possible value. I judge myself with the harshest eye, and I see almost everything I have ever done as failing, or at least "not good enough". And most of my life I have been trying to prove to others that I'm worth having around. Ironically, this often winds up having the opposite effect. I act the way I think people want me to act and usually get it wrong. No wonder I'm so tired!

I don't say all this to ask for sympathy or cheering up. I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me or list the good qualities they see in me. And while recent events have put me more in touch with my pain, they are not the true reason for it, or for my "brave" disclosure of it. I'm simply voicing this as a revelation I've had in hopes of getting close to the root of my "illness"; maybe this will ultimately help me get better. Maybe this is the bottom and from now on the direction will be up.

But the coinciding truth to all this is that I have no real understanding of how to turn this around. I don't know how to love myself. All I can do in this moment of ultimate desperation and vulnerability is beg God to heal me, to show me how to get past this, and to help me become who I was meant to be underneath all this yuck.

Progress

I'm doing better. Thanks.

Still no job, though.

Illness

I'm sick.

Sick of acting like I'm ok.
Sick of acting like everything is fine.
Sick of feeling rejected and alone.
Sick of feeling angry every time I walk into my church.
Sick of hiding what is really going on inside my heart.
Sick of masking the pain that goes deeper than I understand.

A few months ago, before my life seemed to go to pot, a few friends commented on how I suddenly seemed "happy"; that my bitter edge seemed to have melted away. And for a while I thought they were right. I did feel happy. I did notice that I didn't feel angry or bitter.

But then it all went downhill. Now I feel like I have to pretend that I'm still that happy contented person, even though life has been spiraling downward in the past few months. I was sharing this feeling with a friend and it occurred to me that maybe I had that angry edge because I use that to hide from the real pain I have buried deeper than I realized.

I'm wounded. I'm a mess. Recent events have hurt me, but more than that, they have touched deep places with very old scars. And I have been trying to shield myself from the pain associated with this reality. That shield has barbs on it to keep people away, and it's done a good job. People have kept their distance, commenting to each other about my erratic emotional state. And it's all thanks to my unwillingness to deal with serious root issues.

I'm done. I'm done with holding it together, making nice-nice so people won't talk about me behind my back. I'm done with pretending I have more faith than I do. I'm done with smiling so people think I'm OK with life.

I have real deep pain, I need real deep healing. Just as with surgery, it will be messy. It will cause more pain initially with the goal of actually removing the cause of the underlying hurt.

God knows what He's doing. I know this in my head. I'm about to experience it in my heart.

This is gonna hurt.

And in other news...

That old expression "when it rains, it pours" seems rather cliche, rather simple. But when it's happening in your own life it often feels like "when you're drowning you will be offered a drink".

The job search continues. I had one interview that went really well, at least from my side of the table, on January 28. I still have not heard from them but they said that it can take a long time for them (an international corporation with local establishments) to complete the hiring process. They said that getting someone behind the desk by February 18 would be moving fast for them. *sigh*

I must have sent out over 20 resumes by now. I don't really want to have to file an unemployment claim (even though I qualify) until it becomes absolutely necessary. I still believe I have a great background to fit the jobs for which I applied, but I must admit, my faith is beginning to get shaky.

Oh, and last week I found out I was pregnant. This week, by some freak circumstance that I couldn't possibly begin to understand, I am no longer pregnant. Right. Again.

I know God doesn't play games, but really. Come on now.

Twister

Sometimes life hits like a whirlwind. The past 6 months have been like this. The most recent development is that due to the budget constraints of my employer I find myself needing a job. To be honest, I'm scared. I know, I know. I'm supposed to "have faith" and "trust God" and all of that. And I'm trying to. I am realizing that doing this is a moment-by-moment process. It can't be done all at once.

The job I had was great. It afforded so much flexibility and I could be home with Jadyn most of the time. Now I think I will most likely need to get a conventional 40-hr job and Jadyn will be in full-time daycare.

Now I'm working really hard on looking forward to seeing how God is going to choose to provide for us. Please, if you're a praying person, shoot one up for us.

Life Imitating Art

I love these lyrics. They come from the Rush song "Far Cry" off their latest album, Snakes & Arrows.

"Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back and repeat"

Utterings

Jadyn, not quite 2 1/2 years old, has entered the "why" phase. It's only just started; she's only asked a few times so far. But I'm already worried - not about her, mind you, but about myself.

Today I actually uttered one of those generational phrases that every new mother insists they will never use.

Me: Jadyn, get down from there.

Jadyn: Why?

Me (as an autonomic response): Because I said so.

Even though I immediately apologized to her and gave her a valid reason, it was too late. It was done. It was official.

I'm a mommy cliche.

Just You Wait

One of these days I'm going to write a play about being a Yankee girl living in the heart of Dixie. Heck, I bet it would be a great Lifetime movie!

This Christmas

Wishing you...

...the deepest of joys.
...the highest of hopes.
...the widest of smiles.

May your Christmas include all of these. Blessings from our home to yours.