What's Love Got to Do With It?

I realized this week that I tend to approach Bible reading with the following subconscious thought: "Ok (heavy sigh), let's see what else I'm not doing right that God wants me to get straight." Lately it's been hard to see anything but correction in my personal devotion times. And while I understand that correction comes because He loves me, the love seemed secondary. It's as though I see God as primarily being interested in pointing out the myriad of things that are wrong with me.

So earlier this week, I was reading the "Love" passage - 1 Cor. 13 - and I was expecting God to show me all the ways I have not been very loving lately. I haven't been patient with my child, kind to my spouse, etc, etc, etc. But that's not what I came away with. What I saw instead was that all those things about love are also about God Himself, since God is love, according to 1 John 4. And then something else occurred to me. All these things are characteristic of the relationship He wants to have with me - this is how He treats me!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7

When I looked at the passage from a new perspective, I found that I was able to find encouragement along with reproof, love along with discipline. It shouldn't surprise me. Now that I am a parent, I find myself correcting my toddler not just so I can so "NO" 1835 times a day (and believe me, it feels like that sometimes). I do it because I love her and I want her to grow into the woman God intends her to be. Doing so means disciplining her even now. It means keeping her safe, adjusting her already independent attitude, and instructing her on proper behavior. How much more can I expect God to parent me in such a manner?

I love it when God screws my head on straight.

Under the Microscope

It's one of those very uncomfortable times in my life when it feels like all my many flaws are not just being exposed but also magnified to the point where nothing else about me is visible to me or anyone else.

I'm trying to figure out if God is trying to bring things to my attention or if the enemy is trying to distract me or both. I want to change, to improve, to let God deal with me. I want to be obedient to His will and yield to His discipline. I recognize that everything God allows is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. I just want to discern what of this is a trial - a difficult situation not brought on by my disobedience - and what of this is, as my mentor calls it, is a "spanking".

Ultimately, I just want to know from God the truth of who I am and WHERE I am and where I need to be. And I want to be understood and accepted during the process.

Choosing a Different Perspective

It was not an easy day. Something happened that, while in the scheme of things was very small, was nonetheless very frustrating. I was angry and I felt betrayed and violated. As I was feeling these emotions, I was being told by a person I respect that this was "just a test" and I should "be grateful" and all that James 1:2 stuff that I just happened to read yesterday. And in that moment, I just became more angry and more frustrated. I got the impression that having these "negative" emotions made me less spiritual - less holy - than I was supposed to be.

So now I'm conflicted. We're told that emotions are from God. We should be in touch with them without letting them rule us. I wanted to take my moment and deal with my anger, and THEN see it from a better perspective. But is that right? Is that even remotely Biblical? Should I feel guilty for being angry?

In Ephesians 4:6 we are told, "In your anger do not sin." This seems to indicate that the anger itself is NOT sin. So how long am I allowed to be angry? Probably not long enough for it to turn to bitterness. I guess the bottomline is that after I've acknowledged my anger, I must choose to hand it to God and let Him deal with it. By completely avoiding the emotion and just stuffing it, it may likely come up in some inappropriate way further down the line.

So I choose to recognize my feelings and surrender them (and the situation) to the Lord. Now the whole thing is His problem.

Bound to Happen

I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I hoped, I prayed, but in the back of my mind I knew that eventually I'd have to deal with it.

My child is throwing up.

I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. I thought that when faced with this I would just add to the mess but so far, I've kept relatively calm and kept my lunch.

Wow, motherhood is fun.

Ebb and Flow

This is already shaping up to be one of those months when my schedule, even my life, is in a constant push/pull. Run here, run there, do this, that and the other. Hurry, get this done. Wait, you forgot to make this phone call! I'm trying to not succumb to the "tyranny of the urgent". Doing so means losing sight of the reason I do most of what I do - to love God, my family and others.

Big Girl

Today was the first day of Mother's Day Out. It was so strange for me to be packing a lunch for a 16 month old.

We got there, she walked into her room and barely looked back.

I thought I wasn't gonna have to feel this way until kindergarten!

Making the Jump

Up to this point, Jadyn has been pretty much in my care exclusively during the day. I've taken her with me when I've gone to staff meetings or put time in at the office. And up to this point, that was working fairly well. But her increase in age has meant an increase in her ability to drive me to distraction ad infinitum.

Last week I got the call I had forgotten I was expecting. Many months ago I contacted a local Mother's Day Out program, otherwise known as "Mother's Day of Sanity". Jadyn was put on a waiting list, a fact I eventually stored where I keep most information not necessary for getting through life as a working stay at home mother.

I was in Wal-Mart when I got the call. There was an opening for Jadyn. Did I want it?

I was torn. The idea of going to staff meeting and not chasing her around the room, preventing her from tipping over coffee cups or sticking her fingers in power sockets - well, that sounded wonderful. But handing her over for a full day to be cared for by others - well, that sounded a little scary. Socially, she would love it. Financially, could we handle it?

All the input from friends has been an emphatic, "DO IT!" They agree that once you do it, you will FIND the money to make it happen. So Paul and I talked about it and decided to swallow hard and make the jump.

Today we went to check out the room, meet the teachers and register. She walked into the room, picked up a ball and was immediately at home. I, on the other hand, proceded with trepidation, asking all sorts of questions about food, naps, play time, etc. Eventually I signed on the proverbial dotted line.

She starts on February 1st. I'm either so excited I'm scared or so scared I'm excited. I'm not sure which.

Tell me, fellow bloggers, whether or not you've entered the world of daycare, and how you've fared thus far!

Why I Love DaMomma

I wrote the following in response to today's post on DaMomma:

This post brought me to tears. My last grandparent, PopPop, just passed in December. Jadyn was his only great-grandchild, and though they met only once, I cherish the photo that captured this moment.

Before Jadyn came along, I never realized how much there was to fear in life. I too worry about the myriad of things over which I have no control, and I find myself especially concerned that she may make some of my most costly and painful mistakes, in spite of my trying to lead her away from them.

But I also never realized how much joy I was missing before she arrived. Every day brings something new to smile about. The sweet way she says “Bye-bye”, how she throws her hands up in cheer when I say “Roll Tide” (the Univ. of AL battle cry), how she says “Mama” when she sees a picture of me, the way she happily greets everyone with such innocent enthusiasm.

Thank you, Liz. Your writing inspires me to express my own heart.

Appointments

I love it when God puts people in your path so the crud in your past can be put to good use ministering to others.

Huh-uh

When your toddler begins to speak, it brings some amazing moments. Some are hilarious. Over the monitor this morning we heard Jadyn say, "All done", to indicate she was done sleeping and wanted someone to come get her. Some make you fear for your future. Today I experienced that one.

Jadyn loves things with buttons, namely phones and remote controls. It's an unending job to keep them from her, for fear she may either calls China or tell TiVo to record an entire day of OC Choppers. *sigh*

So just now I saw that she had once again absconded with the TiVo remote. Usually if she has something I'd rather she didn't have, I can ask her to hand or bring it to me and she readily complies. Today was different. She sat there playing with the remote and I reached out my hand and said, "Please give it to me."

She said, and I quote, "Huh-uh!"

Oh my great good Lord, are we ever in for it!

Crazy/Beautiful

So sorry I haven't posted in over two weeks. (No, Amanda Sue, I didn't take the month off after NaBloPoMo, tempting as that may be...)

When you're a director of children's ministry, December is a very busy time. Organizing kids activities, Parents' Night Out events and a volunteer apprecation luncheon have taken up much of the time that hasn't been spent doing personal Christmas stuff. It's a crazy time, but as I'm finding out thanks to the joyous response from my 15 month old, it's also beautiful.

Now, on top of all this, my grandfather (age 95) passed away yesterday. We (Jadyn and I) will be flying to PA tomorrow, and come back on Christmas Eve. Thankfully the weather report doesn't indicate any travel riskiness at this point.

I promise I'll post again before New Year. Until then....

I wish you peace in the midst of the bustle.
I wish you love even for those you don't like.
I wish you hope in a frightening age.
I wish you faith when it's difficult to believe.
I wish you joy that surpasses your understanding.

Merry Christmas, my blog friends. May it be delightful and meaningful for you and yours.

NaBloPoMo

Don't ask me about all the things I COULD have been doing instead of blogging....

30 days

I can't believe I did it. Funny, the things I stick with vs. the things I don't.

NaBloPoMo rocks!

Signing

My tiny sweet daughter has been sick for...um...ever (4 weeks) so today I took her back to the doctor. Actually we see this great nurse practitioner in a local clinic. We came home with stronger antibiotics and cough syrup with codiene (yes, sleep will now begin).

At the clinic, the LPN, doctor and staff all marvelled that my daughter communicates using sign language. She knows about 10-12 signs and uses most of them on her own without prompting. I admit that at times I have taken this communication skill for granted.

We came home, I gave her some of her medicine, and let her play while it "took". After a while, I looked at her and said, "Jadyn, do you want to go night-night?" And you know what she did? She signed, "Please."

Good Lord, I love that kid.

Dumbstruck

This may sound strange, but there are these moments in my life when suddenly the realization that I'm a mother hits me with the force of a freight train. I'm minding my own business, picking up toys or filling a sippy cup or ordering a Happy Meal with a toddler toy, and WHAMMO. In the blink of an eye I'm reeling from the dizzying notion that this little person will spend the next several years looking to ME for answers. I can't believe that someone as clueless as I am could actually be responsible for the health and wellbeing (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) of this tiny little wonder. This blond, blue eyed angel who runs toward me with abandon, giving me a great big smile while hugging me and patting me on the back. I think she picked this up from me. I tend to pat her back when she needs comforted.

Maybe she understands my cluelessness after all, and is just trying to comfort me through it.

Step Into Christmas

Tonight was our town's annual Christmas parade, complete with marching bands of varying qualities, carloads of dolled-up cheerleaders brandishing sparkly pompoms, fire trucks making very loud noises, floats decorated in the "Christmas Around the World" theme, and marching packs of children from all sorts of local organizations. Paul, Jadyn and I watched from the sidewalk in front of his office, accompanied by folks from our church. Jadyn was happily being passed back and forth from person to person. She marvelled at the lights, boogied to the music and learned how to wave her best toddler-style Miss America wave back at the "Miss Whoevers".

I love small-town life.

The Most Wonderful Time

We yanked out all the Christmas decorations yesterday. No, we still haven't set any out. In my strange little world, you can't decorate a house until it's clean. And since my world has been crazy lately, I took today's decorating time to actually clean up. Maybe I'll get the pretty stuff out tomorrow during Jadyn's nap....unless I take one too.

Maybe the stuff will be up next week...we'll see.

Less than a week

This NaBloPoMo thing is wearing on me. I haven't put much thought into my requisite post of the day. Sorry, I know that's lame.

So we went to Wal-Mart this evening. It was much as I expected, with the exception of toys being placed for sale on the endcaps of the grocery aisles. Wow, are they ever pushing the kid stuff! I'm so glad Jadyn doesn't "get" it yet. I may be in for it next year.

Not-So-Black Friday

In a stroke of genius, Jadyn and I didn't leave the house today. After watching the evening news and seeing the absolute craziness that falls on humanity while entering retail stores at 4:30 AM, I am very glad we hung out at home all day. I'm fairly certain the one toy I really want for Jadyn will still be available later in the season. And if it's not, it isn't as if she'd know the difference. Heck, at this point she's wildly entertained by a cardboard box in our living room.

Sounds like a MasterCard commercial, doesn't it?!

Thankful

Today, I'm thankful for:

• My sweet hubby, who makes me laugh, makes me think, and keeps me real.
  
• My darling little girl, who dances and plays peek-a-boo like no one else.
• My friends, who like me for me while challenging me to grow.
• My parents, who have been supportive through all the craziness of my life.

I'm also thankful that there's a Thanksgiving potluck at our church so I don't have to cook the entire meal for just 3 people. All I have to do is bring one dish. Woo-hoo!

Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, I encourage you to take a moment think about what you have to be thankful for.