Sometimes...

...I am way too emotional about the stupidest stuff. How am I supposed to be real when all that comes out when I'm trying to be real is crap? Is there anything real about me that isn't crap?

Drive

I'm at a church leadership conference at North Point near Atlanta. I can already say it is worth the effort to be here. The big thing I got from tonight's session was that I can't fill someone else's cup - all I can do is empty out my own of what I have to offer. Wow.

How do you know...

...if a friendship is over? When they stop talking to you all together? Or when they finally only talk to you in basic pleasantries? How do you know if it's worth fighting for? When there's a rift and you thought it was repaired, what do you do when the chasm seems to still exist? Addressing these questions has become the preoccupation of my thoughts and prayers lately. I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Something Completely Different

Our church has a potluck every month, and each month has a different theme. Typically I don't prepare anything because I'm not that good a cook. Usually we just give money instead. But this month, the theme is "Soups & Stews", and I just had to participate.

I've made "The Soup". This is a family favorite called THE soup because we have no better name for it. It's sort of based on Italian Wedding Soup. It's perfect for chilly weather and I love it because it fits this season so perfectly.

So now, I'm going to eat some. Yum.

Shaken, not Stirred

We got up early this morning, got everyone ready and headed out to the hospital. Despite our best efforts we were 5 minutes late.

I had more pictures taken of my insides before I was ushered to an outpatient room. I had to wear one of those mortifying gowns and these odd panty-hose with no toes. They stuck me with an IV and eventually wheeled me into a "holding" room before the procedure.

Eventually some doctor with good drugs put something in my IV and I was asleep on the table. I don't even remember falling asleep. I do, however, remember waking up and vomiting. Apparently my body doesn't like general anesthetics.

I finally became somewhat conscious while I was being wheeled back to my room. Paul had put Jadyn in a hospital crib so she could take a nap. Poor thing was konked out. Eventually they let me go, but not before proving I could "void" without problems.

All of this took about 4 1/2 hours. It felt like forever at some points. I'm tired and groggy and a bit bruised on the side, but all in all, I'll survive.

Sonic Boom

So, this kidney stone is large -8 mm. Too big to be passed. The solution, therefore, is to put me through some sort of sonic shaking procedure which should pulverize the thing so it can be passed with less pain.

All this from drinking too much milk. Apparently, it does not always do a body good.

A Stone's Throw Away

Ok, in honor of NaBloPoMo (see the button on the sidebar), I hereby enter my first post. Warning: TMI.

This month started off rather painfully. I awoke at 5 AM in terrible pain. It was reminiscent of labor on pitocin, but was just on my left side and went around to my back. After some groggy deliberation (and some getting sick) we decided to get everyone up and ready to go to the ER. Of course, the one in town is not in our insurance network so we had to drive 30 minutes away.

So I answered a bunch of questions (some more than once), gave up some bodily fluids and had a CAT scan. That was kind of like being put on a big table and being passed through the window of a laundromat dryer. Finally it was announced that I have a kidney stone. A large one, it would seem. So this afternoon I'm off to the urologist to find out more about the tiny rock rolling around inside me. Until then, it's lots of liquids and - get this - straining the liquid I produce to catch any bits potentially passed in the process.

If this is any indicator of what the month will be like, let's just skip to the Christmas Carols and get it over with.

Seasons Change

First of all, the camping trip went ...well... well, I suppose. Other than some marital communication snafus, we had fun. Jadyn seemed to have a great time. She slept as well as I could have expected and enjoyed the group during her wake time. All in all, I'm glad we did it.

So the temperature has finally dropped, the leaves are gradually fading from green to gold and red. I can smell it in the air, and I love it. Fall has always been my favorite season. Too bad we only get 2 or 3 weeks of it here in Just North of Hell, Mississippi. We're looking forward to taking Jadyn out trick or treating. Not that she can eat the candy or will bother to even get any, but how could I resist taking her out in her cute little costume. She's going to be a fairy princess, although I'm almost sure she won't wear her crown and she'll try to eat her wand. Ah well, cuteness is assured no matter what. I promise I'll post pics on her site.

Church Camp

This weekend a group of families from our church is going camping together at a local campground. I, in a possible moment of insanity, decided this was something we should do. We bought a tent and other necessary outdoorsy items. I packed them all up and loaded up the van.

Now, let me say at this point that the last time I was tent camping I was a teenager and my parents were the "in-charge, responsible" people. They knew what to do and they did it. That was 20 years ago and now I'm the parent. I'm the one who's supposed to know what to do and how to do it. I'm supposed to be in charge and responsible. How exactly did this happen!?!?

Anyway, this morning we (meaning Jadyn and I) headed off to the campsite to set up. Since it's local we could do it during the day and then come home and wait for Paul to get home from work. I knew setting up would be a challenge and I didn't want to have to do it in the dark.

If it weren't for the help of some sweet friends, I'd still be there trying to figure out how to put rod A into hole B. No, it wasn't really that difficult. After all, this is a brand new tent, not the kind from my parents' age of antiquities. But Jadyn wanted all sorts of attention (crazy, isn't it?) so some folks helped distract her while others put the tent up in lightening speed while I pulled out the rest of the gear and tried to get organized.

The others left, and suddenly I was on my own with a tired, hungry 13 month old at a partially assembled camp site. And as I managed the chaos, I realized I was actually managing the chaos! Jadyn was fussy but not a screaming banchee. I handled it! I was sort of stunned by my apparently latent ability to "be the mom". I fed Jadyn, we left the campsite in a state of relative order, and we got home for Jadyn's nap.

Maybe it sounds silly that I'm proud of myself for accomplishing something so minimal. But parenthood has shaken out of lot of the self-confidence I used to have. I'm fighting to get it back. And it looks like I'm winning.

8 Years

Happy Anniversary to us.

Tuesdays with Morrie

If you haven't read and/or seen it, do so. ASAP. Well worth the time.

A bit unrelatable

So, because over 500 years ago some guy landed on the wrong continent, I can't get mail or go to the bank. Strange, the things we Americans honor.

Start All Over Again

I was at a convention for MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) last weekend. It was impacting and life-altering on many levels. The amazing thing is that most of the life-altering stuff happened with the group of people I was with - some of my closest friends.

One of the speakers was Wess Stafford, of Compassion International. He shared his story which evoked and clarified some strong feelings with which I have struggled for a long time. I feel like I finally looked straight-on at the lies I was believing and saw them for what they were. I saw how they have influenced so many of my behaviors over the years. And most importantly, I really began to believe I can change.

Before I left, Paul bought the new Sara Groves CD "Add to the Beauty". When I got back, I popped it in the van's CD player and I have yet to take it out. My favorite song sums up a lot of where I'm at right now.

Just Showed Up

by Sara Groves and Joel Hanson

Spending my time sleep walking
Moving my mouth but not saying a thing
Hoping the changes would take by working their way from the outside in
I was in love with an idea
Preoccupied with how a life should appear
Spending my time at the surface repairing the holes in the shiny veneer

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

I'm going to live my life inspired
Look for the holy in the common place
Open the windows and feel all that's honest and real until I'm truly amazed
I'm going to feel all my emotions
I'm going to look you in the eyes
I'm going to listen and hear until it's finally clear and it changes our lives

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Oh the glory of God is man fully alive
Oh the glory of God is man fully alive

There are so many ways to hide
There are so many ways not to feel
There are so many ways to deny what is real

And I just showed up for my own life
And I'm standing here taking it in and it sure looks bright

Arrgggh, me mateys!

Happy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!

Don't know how to talk like a pirate? Click HERE.

Toddler Mommy

So apparently I am no longer a "Baby Mama" - I am now a "Toddler Mama". Yes, my sweet tiny little baby girl is now a full-fledged toddler. She turned 1 on Sunday - see pics on her blog. She's eating solid food that she can pick up herself. She is signing some words and even saying a few. ("Dunck-Oo" is thank you, I think.) She takes several steps on her own. And, she's trying to climb things. I'm in trouble. Big BIG trouble.

I am frequently told how "easy" Jadyn is. And I suppose, compared to most, she is. But I'm already seeing how I'm going to be running crazy trying to keep up with her. She's very busy - into everything and curious about how things work. She loves life and seems to want to get all she can out of it. I'm thrilled about this - it's wonderful to see the world through the life of a child. The way she catches on to things is amazing. She knows to beat a drum with a stick, play her xylophone with a mallet, and mimics noises from her toys. Gosh, I love being a mommy.

My Name is Earl

Ok, I hate to admit it, but I love the TV show My Name is Earl. It's goofy and trailer-trashy, but there's always a good message in the end. If you haven't seen it yet, I recommend it. Just when you're about to pee yourself laughing, you may find yourself on the brink of tears. And just when your lower lip is about to quiver itself into a sob, you'll bust a gut again. Stupid brilliance. I love it.

Yard Sale Mania

So I'm doing a joint yard sale with 2 friends of mine. We're trying to raise money for our trip to the MOPS convention. It is absolutely stunning just how much junk I've accumulated that I can live without. And we've received tons of donations. It's even MORE amazing how much junk OTHER people have accumulated that they're willing to get rid of. As George Carlin says, our homes are sometimes just "places for our stuff".

Yankee Amanda Pills

	Yankee Amanda Pills: Will cause you to get a song stuck in your head for over a day
	'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com

35

So this is what it feels like to hit middle age. Wasn't it just last week I was 29?

WHHEEEEEEeeeeeeeee!!!!!

So, we're all moved in. Yeah, that was fun. I really want God to just strike me dead if I suggest moving again in the next 5 years. That is, unless Paul gets offered the most rockin' job ever and the company will not only pay for packers and movers but also the therapy that I will no doubt need.

In other news, our church's pastor left to take a job somewhere in Virginia, so we've had quite a lot of transition there. We still haven't figured it all out but I think it's sort of a good thing that we haven't. I mean, heck, if we could figure it all out on our own, what exactly would we need God for, anyway?

I have an 11 month old pre-toddler who is in the raging throes of teething. She was awake quite a bit in the wee hours of the morning, poor dear, crying her little eyes out. The cry sounded a lot like the baby version, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???" The morning nap didn't go much better. She's down now thanks to baby tylenol. I'm hoping she sleeps for hours but I'm also sort of a realist.

It's still hard dealing with the loss of our friends Chris and Leah and their kids. The other day Paul started a sentence by saying, "Now that Chris is dead..." and I stopped him before he could continue the thought because I just couldn't absorb it. Odd. It's been almost 2 months, and it's still a rather foreign concept.

I expect that I'll be back to posting on a more regular basis now. Thanks for your patience.