Moving on Up

Dear Blogger.com,

It's been a fun ride. We've had some good times. But I've grown, I've matured. It's time to move on. I've found someone new. It's not you, it's me. I hope we can still be friends.

Love,
Amanda

PS You can now find me at http://chezcrazy.wordpress.com. I hope we'll stay in touch!

Walled Out

Isolation is a form of punishment. It's used in our corrections facilities all over the world. "Solitary confinement," we call it. Remove all human contact. It's not really just punishment, it's torture.

There's a different kind of isolation. A person can be in a room full of people and still be completely alone. It's just as torturous.

Sometimes we do it to ourselves. We wall off our hearts, keeping others at a distance. This is supposed to protect us from possible hurt inflicted by others, but it doesn't. We blame others for our isolation. Our hard-shelled hearts whither inside.

Sometimes we are relegated to isolation by those around us. Plans are made that don't include us. Friendly chatter stops when we walk by. And our souls ache at the exclusion.

I am finally coming out of my own wall. While I use caution when sharing with some people about some topics, I am gradually letting the shell fall away from my heart. God is opening me up.

At the same time, I find myself being shut out of certain situations. It's terribly painful to be in a room full of people and be purposefully excluded from conversation. This is the kind of thing that tempts me to rebuild my wall, to fortify it. "You don't want me? Fine, then I don't want you either." When my efforts to engage go completely unanswered, I feel no motivation to continue trying. I don't want to intentionally open myself up to that kind of pain.

God is here with me, behind the wall built by someone other than myself. I'm waiting for Him to show me what to do with it.

So. When you're hidden by a wall of your own making or of others', how do you respond?

I wonder...

I'm already 37 years old. Technically I'm fast approaching the dreaded "middle aged" phase of life.

And I wonder....

Is it too late for me to be extraordinary?

I have this idea in my head that most people don't grow up expecting to be run-of-the-mill. Don't we all think, at some level deep down, that we're meant for something major? All my life I have felt it, but I've never done enough about it. It's like I keep waiting for something, as if some mystic bus will come and pick me up and take me to my new and improved reality.

In the meantime, I'm ordinary. And I hate it. I want the life I've always hoped for.

So, is it too late?

Geeking Out

I have lately been telling people that I'm a geek girl. That doesn't mean I can fix your WiFi or make a new template for your blog, though eventually I'd like to get to that point. I'm referring more to my entertainment preferences. I'm not exactly your "normal" girl when it comes to movies, TV and even some books.

For instance, I saw "The Day the Earth Stood Still" the weekend it came out. I ONLY see big movies on the big screen. Flicks like "Four Christmases" will wait for rental - or even TV. They are just the same on the small screen so I save my theater time for movies that warrant it.

If I have to choose between a rerun of Sex and the City and an episode of BattleStar Galactica, BSG will win 95% of the time.

I have never read Wuthering Heights. I read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker series in it's entirety at least 3 times.

I used to try to be more girly. Go see the "have-to" chick flicks, pay attention to "What Not to Wear, etc. But I realized I'm not really like that. But I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, I may occasionally catch the latest romantic comedy while spending time with my circle of girlfriends. But that's about being with the people, not seeing the movie. When left to my own preferences, I'll take The Matrix over The Break-Up.

I have finally decided that I like this about myself. And be forewarned: I'm likely to get more geeky as time goes on.

Maybe Tomorrow...

What is the mystique of New Year's Day? Why do we mark this as the time we will finally be more healthy, giving, loving, spiritual, whatever? If tomorrow we will essentially be the same biologically, financially, intellectually, etc, why do we put so much attention on one specific day that is nothing more than the turning of a calendar page?

One word. Hope.

We hope that we can change. We hope that things will get better. We hope for the life we have not yet encountered.

I enter this year full of hope on so many fronts. Yes, I want to see change in the normal, almost cliched areas. I want to lose weight and get healthy. Finally get a better grip on the budget instead of it gripping us. Be more loving to my family. Have more regular "quiet time" with God.

But there are also some specific things I am praying for this year. I want to not just get pregnant but STAY pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I want to find more ways to answer God's call on my life to minister through creativity. I want to encounter God more and let others encounter Him through me.

He is the only way we made it through 2008. And it's to Him I look with hope for the coming year.

2008 Rewind (AKA Why I'm Glad It's Almost Over)

It's been kind of a rough year for Chez Crazy. God has been faithful and I'm sure it's all been "for my good" (a la Romans 8:28), but in many ways I'm glad to be saying goodbye to this year. Let's recap:

January

• Got the news that I was being laid-off from my dream job as part-time administrative/creative director for my church. Budget cuts, not merit related, but painful and stressful all the same.
• Found out I was pregnant. This was stressful due to my lack of employment, but after years of trying to conceive (and having already endured a miscarriage 3 months earlier) it was joyful.

February

• Had a miscarriage. Yeah, that sucked. I didn't talk to God for a while.
• Looked for a job.

March

• Looked for a job.
• Had several interviews. Was deemed the 2nd choice for 2 positions. (Yeah, first loser.)
• Put together a multimedia presentation for Easter to the song "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd. (I still love my church.)
  

April

• Was called back on both 2nd choice positions within 24 hours. The lower-paying community college position (temp to hire) was a more definite hire than the other soft drink industry position that paid $10K more a year. Took the college job.

May

• Liked the job ok. Missed my dream job a LOT.
• Put Jadyn in full-time daycare. Thankful she adjusted, sad that she had to.
  

June

• Took a trip with the family to see relatives and old friends. Viciously fought the impulse to stay in PA and tell life in Mississippi to take a flying leap.

July

• Was brought onto the college payroll permanently. Hello, benefits.

August

• Stressed about money.
  
• Turned 37 years old. Really missed my dream job.

September

• Stressed about money.
• Life was interrupted by husband's severe cellulitus.
• Witnessed true community as church family supported us during the illness.
  
• Celebrated Jadyn's 3rd birthday.

October

• Had strep throat. The ability to swallow is far too under-appreciated.
  
• Prayed hard for friends in a very difficult situation.
• Stressed about money.
• Applied for better paying jobs.

November

• Stressed about work.
  
• Had an interview for a university job paying significantly more.
• Had a second interview for said job.
• Wrote a Christmas skit for church.
  

December

• Was 2nd choice for university job.
• Decided to trust God more about money.
• Saw God provide.
• Got involved in planning for a new church outreach.
  
• Performed Christmas skit at church.
  
• Dealt with a recurrence of cellulitis over Christmas.
• Spent time enjoying my daughter.
  

Coming up next, what I'm looking forward to about 2009. Stay tuned.

A Change Will Do You Good

Christmas is done. Tomorrow I'll box up all the Christmas stuff while Jadyn is at preschool. This act is usually one of the most depressing tasks of the season for me.

But not this year.

I'm excited. I'm ready. Ready for this year to be over. Ready to move on.

There's change in the wind. I can feel it. I can smell it.

I don't know what it is. But something is going to change. Something big. Something good.

And I'm so ready.

Christmas Passed

Normally by this time of year I am just about to jump out of my skin with excitement. I have always adored Christmas in a way that often bewilders and even bothers my darling spouse. I start listening to carols and working on gift lists by the time the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.

This year something isn't quite there for me. Maybe it's because for the first time since becoming a mother, I'm working full time. I don't feel like I can give enough focus to the holiday. Maybe it's because in spite of my working full time, we are feeling the crunch of ends not meeting the way they should. Maybe it's because this has simply been a difficult year in lots of ways for me and I'm worn out.

But I think it's something else.

Something in me has fast-forwarded. Mentally I feel like it's going to slip by so fast that I've almost counted it as over already. Instead of savoring every minute, I mourn it's passing. I know that soon it will be finished - the gifts open, the carols gone, the food eaten, the pictures uploaded. Then will begin the long slow towards Spring. Because I dread the time when Christmas is over, I can't enjoy it's happening.

I've got to stop, look around, take a breath, find the beauty in the now. This Christmas will only happen once. I don't want to miss it.

Creative Inspiration

What is it that sparks creativity? What brings inspiration? If there is really nothing "new" under the sun, where do we get the idea that there is original thought?

I love being given the opportunity stretch my creative muscles. I have several projects bouncing around in my head, and it's refreshing. I feel like I'm coming back to life. Aaaahhhh.

Unavoidable

Even the fictional character in the book I'm reading is pregnant. Seriously, enough.

I love my friends, I promise I do. But if you're about to announce your pregnancy, please oh PLEASE do not be offended if I stay quiet for a while. It's me, not you. Really.

Up and Down

Yeah, I know. I bailed on NaBloPoMo. Oh well. There's always next year.

I recently saw that another blogger I follow is pregnant. That's two. Maybe I'll stop reading blogs. I begrudge no one their joy, as I've said before, but sheesh. It smarts.

On an entirely different topic, I had a really good meeting today a potential change in my future. Updates to follow.

Not much to say

I don't have much to say today. Funny how sometimes you can go through a whole day and have experienced very little worth comment. Is my life that boring?

Pigskin Roundup

When I first moved to the South 10 years ago, my husband Paul gave me a 3 hour discourse on football in the Southeastern Conference (SEC). During this lecture, I learned which teams were in each division, how many non-conference games occur each season, who the big rivals are, etc. I was armed with enough information to have intelligent football conversation with any pure-bred Southerner.

See, we moved from my native Pennsylvania to his native Alabama. And in Alabama, once you cross the state line, you must declare allegiance to either the University of Alabama or Auburn University. I married a Bama boy, so I chose the Crimson Tide. Seemed like a logical choice.

Six years after we were married we moved to Mississippi, and we now live in the same town as Mississippi State University. On game days we can practically hear the cowbells from our front yard. So our allegiances have been somewhat divided in the past few years. Last year was an especially bad year for Alabama, and an especially good year for MSU. We felt ourselves shifting more toward maroon and further away from crimson.

This year, however, we are prouder than ever of the Tide. Tonight they played a hard-fought game against Louisiana State University. They went into the game with a perfect season, and LSU has often been a tough competitor. It was only in overtime that Alabama emerged victorious. Nick Saban is finally earning all that money. Now we're hoping the boys aren't overconfident in the next two weeks. We'll keep watching and cheering....

Crunch Time

It's been stressful, trying to make ends meet. I hate going to the grocery store. I hate looking through the closets and seeing big gaps in the wardrobes. The one bright spot is that I just got gas for $1.87 a gallon.

I'm even trying to get a part time job (on top of my full time job) to try to lighten the load. So far, no luck.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I'm trying to trust that God is going to get us through this.

Me Time

I love that my husband and I allow one another time on our own. He picked up Jadyn so I could hash out some creative ideas for church. I put Jadyn to bed so he could go hang out with a friend to talk about music.

We don't have a perfect marriage, not by a long shot. But I appreciate that we give each other space. It makes us happier when we get to spend time with one another.

My Dog

Hershey is a 9 year old 100 pound chocolate lab. His behavior since Jadyn was born, 3 years ago, has been on a steady decline. My going to work full time did not help matters any. But the past year has been the worst yet. I promise you, I think he's becoming a goat.

Hershey has eaten crayons, toys, markers, sippy cups, plastic storage containers, food packages out of the garbage, various *ahem* feminine hygiene products, and then, from time to time, his own food.

This is getting ridiculous.

For Something Completely Different

I am not going to blog about the election. Frankly, after 2 years of hearing about it, I'm over it. Let it be done already!

But once this whole thing is decided, regardless of whether it goes the way I voted, I will respect and pray for the person who takes on the role, because to do otherwise isn't going to do any good.

The Election

I know it's important. For crying out loud, every rock, TV and movie star have been telling us, just in case we missed it by not watching the news.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of the name-calling. I'm tired of people treating each other as inferior because they belong to a different political party.

And on Wednesday we'll wake up and it will be over. But it really won't be. The winners will gloat. The losers will fuss and complain and make idle threats about moving to another country.

And to think, I studied this stuff in college. What was I thinking?!

NaBloPoMo 2008

For the past few years I have tried to participate in NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month. I'm going to try again this year. Last year was on Jadyn's blog but i think this year I'll do it here. I have no idea what I'll talk about. Isn't that the fun of it?

I'm sure some of it will be about the election - after all, how could it NOT be?! Other possible topics include (in no particular order) family, holidays, gas prices, why I dislike my dog, hormones and food. But that's just off the top of the ole noggin.

Longing...still...

It's not that I would wish for one moment that someone else really had to go through my experience with infertility. And it's not as though I would choose to disregard the joy of someone experiencing pregnancy. Having been through it once myself, I wish them all the best.

That being said, it is sometimes very painful to read blogs of women enjoying their second or even third healthy pregnancy. I'm 37 with one child, and with every passing month I'm even more aware that the clock is ticking way too fast. I feel like I'm almost out of time. I'm scared. I want to be content, to say (and mean) that I really am perfectly fine with being a one-child family.

But I'm not.

This is no fun.