Today at Chez Crazy...

Moving on Up

2009-01-27T20:57:00.002-06:00

Dear Blogger.com,

It's been a fun ride. We've had some good times. But I've grown, I've matured. It's time to move on. I've found someone new. It's not you, it's me. I hope we can still be friends.

Love,
Amanda

PS You can now find me at http://chezcrazy.wordpress.com. I hope we'll stay in touch!

Walled Out

2009-01-23T08:45:00.005-06:00

Isolation is a form of punishment. It's used in our corrections facilities all over the world. "Solitary confinement," we call it. Remove all human contact. It's not really just punishment, it's torture.

There's a different kind of isolation. A person can be in a room full of people and still be completely alone. It's just as torturous.

Sometimes we do it to ourselves. We wall off our hearts, keeping others at a distance. This is supposed to protect us from possible hurt inflicted by others, but it doesn't. We blame others for our isolation. Our hard-shelled hearts whither inside.

Sometimes we are relegated to isolation by those around us. Plans are made that don't include us. Friendly chatter stops when we walk by. And our souls ache at the exclusion.

I am finally coming out of my own wall. While I use caution when sharing with some people about some topics, I am gradually letting the shell fall away from my heart. God is opening me up.

At the same time, I find myself being shut out of certain situations. It's terribly painful to be in a room full of people and be purposefully excluded from conversation. This is the kind of thing that tempts me to rebuild my wall, to fortify it. "You don't want me? Fine, then I don't want you either." When my efforts to engage go completely unanswered, I feel no motivation to continue trying. I don't want to intentionally open myself up to that kind of pain.

God is here with me, behind the wall built by someone other than myself. I'm waiting for Him to show me what to do with it.

So. When you're hidden by a wall of your own making or of others', how do you respond?

I wonder...

2009-01-04T01:29:00.002-06:00

I'm already 37 years old. Technically I'm fast approaching the dreaded "middle aged" phase of life.

And I wonder....

Is it too late for me to be extraordinary?

I have this idea in my head that most people don't grow up expecting to be run-of-the-mill. Don't we all think, at some level deep down, that we're meant for something major? All my life I have felt it, but I've never done enough about it. It's like I keep waiting for something, as if some mystic bus will come and pick me up and take me to my new and improved reality.

In the meantime, I'm ordinary. And I hate it. I want the life I've always hoped for.

So, is it too late?

Geeking Out

2009-01-01T21:09:00.002-06:00

I have lately been telling people that I'm a geek girl. That doesn't mean I can fix your WiFi or make a new template for your blog, though eventually I'd like to get to that point. I'm referring more to my entertainment preferences. I'm not exactly your "normal" girl when it comes to movies, TV and even some books.

For instance, I saw "The Day the Earth Stood Still" the weekend it came out. I ONLY see big movies on the big screen. Flicks like "Four Christmases" will wait for rental - or even TV. They are just the same on the small screen so I save my theater time for movies that warrant it.

If I have to choose between a rerun of Sex and the City and an episode of BattleStar Galactica, BSG will win 95% of the time.

I have never read Wuthering Heights. I read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker series in it's entirety at least 3 times.

I used to try to be more girly. Go see the "have-to" chick flicks, pay attention to "What Not to Wear, etc. But I realized I'm not really like that. But I wasn't being true to myself. Sure, I may occasionally catch the latest romantic comedy while spending time with my circle of girlfriends. But that's about being with the people, not seeing the movie. When left to my own preferences, I'll take The Matrix over The Break-Up.

I have finally decided that I like this about myself. And be forewarned: I'm likely to get more geeky as time goes on.

Maybe Tomorrow...

2008-12-31T16:26:00.002-06:00

What is the mystique of New Year's Day? Why do we mark this as the time we will finally be more healthy, giving, loving, spiritual, whatever? If tomorrow we will essentially be the same biologically, financially, intellectually, etc, why do we put so much attention on one specific day that is nothing more than the turning of a calendar page?

One word. Hope.

We hope that we can change. We hope that things will get better. We hope for the life we have not yet encountered.

I enter this year full of hope on so many fronts. Yes, I want to see change in the normal, almost cliched areas. I want to lose weight and get healthy. Finally get a better grip on the budget instead of it gripping us. Be more loving to my family. Have more regular "quiet time" with God.

But there are also some specific things I am praying for this year. I want to not just get pregnant but STAY pregnant long enough to deliver a healthy baby. I want to find more ways to answer God's call on my life to minister through creativity. I want to encounter God more and let others encounter Him through me.

He is the only way we made it through 2008. And it's to Him I look with hope for the coming year.

2008 Rewind (AKA Why I'm Glad It's Almost Over)

2008-12-30T17:37:00.002-06:00

It's been kind of a rough year for Chez Crazy. God has been faithful and I'm sure it's all been "for my good" (a la Romans 8:28), but in many ways I'm glad to be saying goodbye to this year. Let's recap:

January

Got the news that I was being laid-off from my dream job as part-time administrative/creative director for my church. Budget cuts, not merit related, but painful and stressful all the same.
Found out I was pregnant. This was stressful due to my lack of employment, but after years of trying to conceive (and having already endured a miscarriage 3 months earlier) it was joyful.

February

Had a miscarriage. Yeah, that sucked. I didn't talk to God for a while.
Looked for a job.

March

Looked for a job.
Had several interviews. Was deemed the 2nd choice for 2 positions. (Yeah, first loser.)
Put together a multimedia presentation for Easter to the song "Coming Back to Life" by Pink Floyd. (I still love my church.)

April

Was called back on both 2nd choice positions within 24 hours. The lower-paying community college position (temp to hire) was a more definite hire than the other soft drink industry position that paid $10K more a year. Took the college job.

May

Liked the job ok. Missed my dream job a LOT.
Put Jadyn in full-time daycare. Thankful she adjusted, sad that she had to.

June

Took a trip with the family to see relatives and old friends. Viciously fought the impulse to stay in PA and tell life in Mississippi to take a flying leap.

July

Was brought onto the college payroll permanently. Hello, benefits.

August

Stressed about money.
Turned 37 years old. Really missed my dream job.

September

Stressed about money.
Life was interrupted by husband's severe cellulitus.
Witnessed true community as church family supported us during the illness.
Celebrated Jadyn's 3rd birthday.

October

Had strep throat. The ability to swallow is far too under-appreciated.
Prayed hard for friends in a very difficult situation.
Stressed about money.
Applied for better paying jobs.

November

Stressed about work.
Had an interview for a university job paying significantly more.
Had a second interview for said job.
Wrote a Christmas skit for church.

December

Was 2nd choice for university job.
Decided to trust God more about money.
Saw God provide.
Got involved in planning for a new church outreach.
Performed Christmas skit at church.
Dealt with a recurrence of cellulitis over Christmas.
Spent time enjoying my daughter.

Coming up next, what I'm looking forward to about 2009. Stay tuned.

A Change Will Do You Good

2008-12-29T11:04:00.002-06:00

Christmas is done. Tomorrow I'll box up all the Christmas stuff while Jadyn is at preschool. This act is usually one of the most depressing tasks of the season for me.

But not this year.

I'm excited. I'm ready. Ready for this year to be over. Ready to move on.

There's change in the wind. I can feel it. I can smell it.

I don't know what it is. But something is going to change. Something big. Something good.

And I'm so ready.

Christmas Passed

2008-12-22T18:33:00.002-06:00

Normally by this time of year I am just about to jump out of my skin with excitement. I have always adored Christmas in a way that often bewilders and even bothers my darling spouse. I start listening to carols and working on gift lists by the time the Thanksgiving leftovers are gone.

This year something isn't quite there for me. Maybe it's because for the first time since becoming a mother, I'm working full time. I don't feel like I can give enough focus to the holiday. Maybe it's because in spite of my working full time, we are feeling the crunch of ends not meeting the way they should. Maybe it's because this has simply been a difficult year in lots of ways for me and I'm worn out.

But I think it's something else.

Something in me has fast-forwarded. Mentally I feel like it's going to slip by so fast that I've almost counted it as over already. Instead of savoring every minute, I mourn it's passing. I know that soon it will be finished - the gifts open, the carols gone, the food eaten, the pictures uploaded. Then will begin the long slow towards Spring. Because I dread the time when Christmas is over, I can't enjoy it's happening.

I've got to stop, look around, take a breath, find the beauty in the now. This Christmas will only happen once. I don't want to miss it.

Creative Inspiration

2008-12-09T23:08:00.002-06:00

What is it that sparks creativity? What brings inspiration? If there is really nothing "new" under the sun, where do we get the idea that there is original thought?

I love being given the opportunity stretch my creative muscles. I have several projects bouncing around in my head, and it's refreshing. I feel like I'm coming back to life. Aaaahhhh.

Unavoidable

2008-12-03T19:01:00.001-06:00

Even the fictional character in the book I'm reading is pregnant. Seriously, enough.

I love my friends, I promise I do. But if you're about to announce your pregnancy, please oh PLEASE do not be offended if I stay quiet for a while. It's me, not you. Really.

Up and Down

2008-11-20T20:38:00.002-06:00

Yeah, I know. I bailed on NaBloPoMo. Oh well. There's always next year.

I recently saw that another blogger I follow is pregnant. That's two. Maybe I'll stop reading blogs. I begrudge no one their joy, as I've said before, but sheesh. It smarts.

On an entirely different topic, I had a really good meeting today a potential change in my future. Updates to follow.

Not much to say

2008-11-09T19:30:00.001-06:00

I don't have much to say today. Funny how sometimes you can go through a whole day and have experienced very little worth comment. Is my life that boring?

Pigskin Roundup

2008-11-08T18:53:00.002-06:00

When I first moved to the South 10 years ago, my husband Paul gave me a 3 hour discourse on football in the Southeastern Conference (SEC). During this lecture, I learned which teams were in each division, how many non-conference games occur each season, who the big rivals are, etc. I was armed with enough information to have intelligent football conversation with any pure-bred Southerner.

See, we moved from my native Pennsylvania to his native Alabama. And in Alabama, once you cross the state line, you must declare allegiance to either the University of Alabama or Auburn University. I married a Bama boy, so I chose the Crimson Tide. Seemed like a logical choice.

Six years after we were married we moved to Mississippi, and we now live in the same town as Mississippi State University. On game days we can practically hear the cowbells from our front yard. So our allegiances have been somewhat divided in the past few years. Last year was an especially bad year for Alabama, and an especially good year for MSU. We felt ourselves shifting more toward maroon and further away from crimson.

This year, however, we are prouder than ever of the Tide. Tonight they played a hard-fought game against Louisiana State University. They went into the game with a perfect season, and LSU has often been a tough competitor. It was only in overtime that Alabama emerged victorious. Nick Saban is finally earning all that money. Now we're hoping the boys aren't overconfident in the next two weeks. We'll keep watching and cheering....

Crunch Time

2008-11-07T19:55:00.002-06:00

It's been stressful, trying to make ends meet. I hate going to the grocery store. I hate looking through the closets and seeing big gaps in the wardrobes. The one bright spot is that I just got gas for $1.87 a gallon.

I'm even trying to get a part time job (on top of my full time job) to try to lighten the load. So far, no luck.

I'm so frustrated. I'm so tired. And I'm trying to trust that God is going to get us through this.

Me Time

2008-11-06T21:50:00.002-06:00

I love that my husband and I allow one another time on our own. He picked up Jadyn so I could hash out some creative ideas for church. I put Jadyn to bed so he could go hang out with a friend to talk about music.

We don't have a perfect marriage, not by a long shot. But I appreciate that we give each other space. It makes us happier when we get to spend time with one another.

My Dog

2008-11-05T19:53:00.002-06:00

Hershey is a 9 year old 100 pound chocolate lab. His behavior since Jadyn was born, 3 years ago, has been on a steady decline. My going to work full time did not help matters any. But the past year has been the worst yet. I promise you, I think he's becoming a goat.

Hershey has eaten crayons, toys, markers, sippy cups, plastic storage containers, food packages out of the garbage, various *ahem* feminine hygiene products, and then, from time to time, his own food.

This is getting ridiculous.

For Something Completely Different

2008-11-04T20:11:00.003-06:00

I am not going to blog about the election. Frankly, after 2 years of hearing about it, I'm over it. Let it be done already!

But once this whole thing is decided, regardless of whether it goes the way I voted, I will respect and pray for the person who takes on the role, because to do otherwise isn't going to do any good.

The Election

2008-11-03T16:12:00.003-06:00

I know it's important. For crying out loud, every rock, TV and movie star have been telling us, just in case we missed it by not watching the news.

But I'm tired. I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm tired of the name-calling. I'm tired of people treating each other as inferior because they belong to a different political party.

And on Wednesday we'll wake up and it will be over. But it really won't be. The winners will gloat. The losers will fuss and complain and make idle threats about moving to another country.

And to think, I studied this stuff in college. What was I thinking?!

NaBloPoMo 2008

2008-11-02T17:12:00.004-06:00

For the past few years I have tried to participate in NaBloPoMo - National Blog Posting Month. I'm going to try again this year. Last year was on Jadyn's blog but i think this year I'll do it here. I have no idea what I'll talk about. Isn't that the fun of it?

I'm sure some of it will be about the election - after all, how could it NOT be?! Other possible topics include (in no particular order) family, holidays, gas prices, why I dislike my dog, hormones and food. But that's just off the top of the ole noggin.

Longing...still...

2008-11-01T15:33:00.002-05:00

It's not that I would wish for one moment that someone else really had to go through my experience with infertility. And it's not as though I would choose to disregard the joy of someone experiencing pregnancy. Having been through it once myself, I wish them all the best.

That being said, it is sometimes very painful to read blogs of women enjoying their second or even third healthy pregnancy. I'm 37 with one child, and with every passing month I'm even more aware that the clock is ticking way too fast. I feel like I'm almost out of time. I'm scared. I want to be content, to say (and mean) that I really am perfectly fine with being a one-child family.

But I'm not.

This is no fun.

Longing

2008-10-13T20:21:00.001-05:00

It's one of those months when it seems like almost everyone around me is either announcing a pregnancy or celebrating a new birth. I hate months like this.

Repeating Hang-Ups

2008-10-03T16:40:00.005-05:00

On Wednesday I took what I somewhat teasingly refer to as a Mental Health Day. Jadyn had a doctor's appointment that morning, so I decided to take the day off to spend with her, rather than slaving away processing transcripts and withdrawal requests for the local community college population.

At the appointment, the doctor gushed with all sincerity about Jadyn being one of his absolute favorite patients (which he says every time, and every time I believe him). He couldn't believe she's 3 already and wished for her to be a baby again. Yeah, me too, some days.

After some shopping, craft painting and lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant, we headed to the park for a little pre-nap energy explusion. (Read: play.) With trepidation I pulled into the parking lot, having noticed multiple minivans and SUVs already in place. These were elltale signs that a Stay-At-Home-Mothers group had decended upon the park. It was too late to turn around; I had already promised Jadyn some playtime.

Why was I bothered by this mommyfest? I used to be one of them, after all, trying to balance the right amount of activity, nutrition, education, play and naptime into our days. And that was just it. I no longer fit in the library, kindermusik, play date crowd. I'm a working mother now, full time. On days like these I loathe the situation, but for the time being I can't change it.

We walked up to the elaborate play apparati and I encouraged Jadyn to go play while found a bench on the other side of the playset, far away from the mommy clique. She was more interested in doing her own thing. That's great, I thought. I applaud her for her independence. But I saw how she watched the other little girls chase each other around the slide. Again, I encouraged her. "Go play with them, it's ok." She did join their ranks, albeit briefly, before returning to her own amusement on the monkey bars.

I was sad. She's a friendly kid, often walking up to complete strangers in the store to ask their name. I suddenly wondered if my inner struggle with shyness was rubbing off on her. I used to think I wasn't shy at all. As I child I was told I was outgoing so I figured it must be true. But as I got older and encountered more "real life", I allowed myself to be extroverted in certain comfortable scenarios, such as during performances. I'm scared to death to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself. It probably seems schizophrenic that I can live in front of a crowd on stage and cower at the thought of meeting one new person. But the more I "grow up", the more I realize the issues that plague me.

I didn't want to go talk to those moms. Not because I didn't think I'd like them. Not because I thought we'd have nothing in common. I've seen them around town and on occasion spoken to a few of them. That's not why I was afraid to talk to them. It was because I thought they'd reject me. Reject me for my weight. Reject me for my income (or lack thereof). Reject me for my clothing or hairstyle. Reject me for not staying home like they do.

Or even worse, ignore me completely, as though I were invisible.

I sat there worrying that Jadyn was becoming me faster than I could teach her otherwise. I felt my insecurity becoming hers by osmosis. At just that moment, Jadyn saw a little girl fall nearby. She rushed to her side, asking, "Are you OK?" She comforted the girl before returning to her own fun.

Her heart, her sweet, caring, compassionate heart, reached out. This is the girl who knows the names of every child not only in her class, but in most of the school. This is the girl who can't leave at the end of the school day without getting half a dozen hugs from friends. This is the girl whose name all the kids know, even in the younger and older classes. Is she perfect? Of course not. She's human, after all, and is bound to inherit a few trouble spots from Paul and I, and dear old Adam & Eve. But will she overcome her imperfection to become the best person she can possibly be?

I have no doubt. God has already started on her. Let's just hope I help the process, not hinder it.

Not for me

2008-09-09T20:52:00.003-05:00

I was definitely NOT cut out to be a nurse. Paul has been dealing with an AWFUL bout of cellulitis. This is not the first time, but it is by far the worst. When the leg is unwrapped, it looks like a severe burn. At one point it was swollen to twice its normal size. He's on the couch with his leg elevated above his heart, only getting up to use the rest room.

I'm thankful for medical professionals. I'm not cut out for it.

You know....

2008-09-01T00:43:00.006-05:00

....if I knew how to get over it, I'd already BE over it.

But I don't, so I'm not.

And I'm still here. You're stuck with me just the way I am.

So there!

Round and round

2008-08-23T21:21:00.002-05:00

Secondary infertility is usually defined as the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term after successfully and naturally conceiving one or more children. It sounds pretty cut and dried - straight-forward and easy to understand. It's much more complicated when you're living through it.

When you go through infertility without having had any successful pregnancies, you begin to have all sorts of questions:

What if I'm not meant to be a parent?
Am I being punished for the sins of my youth?
How far am I willing to go to have a child?
What will my future be like without a child?

But when you go through secondary infertility, there are different questions:

Is it wrong for me to want another baby when I already have been blessed with a healthy, happy child?
How do I answer the ubiquitous question, "When are you having another?"
Can I really be happy with just one?
If I never have another, how do I keep from spoiling the one I have?
Why can't I just be content?
What worked last time that isn't working this time?

After 2 years and 2 miscarriages, I'm getting tired. And I'm getting old. Please, God.

Don't go there!

2008-08-16T19:12:00.002-05:00

It still hurts, but I still go. And I am fast approaching the point where it will either stop hurting or I will stop going.

I know, I'm cryptic. But that's where I'm at.

Age

2008-08-10T00:01:00.001-05:00

I remember being a kid and thinking 37 was old.

*SIGH*

Anyone...anyone...anyone?

2008-08-03T14:06:00.004-05:00

Ok, so I understand that not everyone will like me.

And I understand that people may think badly of me, regardless of what I do.

And I even understand that people will talk about me behind my back.

What I don't understand is how I can get to the point where I truly don't care about any of those facts.

So my big question is this: Is there ANYONE who really doesn't care about any of that? And if there is, HOW did they finally reach such Nirvana?!

Hmmmm.....

2008-08-01T19:36:00.001-05:00

You know what I don't get?

Pretty much everything.

What a day.

Personal Mad Libs

2008-07-27T17:28:00.003-05:00

I'm not as _____________ as I thought I was. That realization makes me _____________. And if I tell you how I feel, you'll probably think I'm ________________.

You say I should ____________ but when I try I'm usually ______________. When that happens, it's easier if I ____________.

Sometimes, I ___________ being ____________.

(Yeah, it's been that kind of week....)

Wounds

2008-07-20T21:28:00.003-05:00

I am beginning to understand that there aren't really many new wounds. Just old wounds that keep getting reopened. If the original wound hasn't healed, the pain is easily refreshed.

Ouch.

What we're made for...

2008-07-06T14:19:00.002-05:00

While in PA for my youth group reunion, I had a very interesting talk with my friend Matt. We were commenting how fast all of our kids are growing up - how some people we knew as teenagers had children who were in their teens. It was so shocking to see how fast time seemed to be going for all of us. At this point Matt commented on something he heard Ravi Zacharias once say. I can't remember all the specifics but the general idea was this:

Fish were made for water. It would be very strange for them to constantly be surprised by the wetness of water. A cat, on the other hand, is constantly surprised by how wet water is.
We as humans are surprised at the passage of time because we were not made for time. We were made for eternity.

It took me several moments to let that soak in. And it continues to pop up again in my thinking.

I just thought I'd share.

An Update from Chez Crazy

2008-07-02T10:11:00.003-05:00

Wow. 6 weeks since my last update. Insane...like my life.

Hm, let's see. Work is....well, see the thing about work is, I work with college students. You would think this would be a group of people of which the best can be expected. Not necessarily so. These "students" - and I use the term somewhat loosely after having seen some of their transcripts - are used to Mom and Dad handling their affairs for them. They are thoroughly shocked that we require them to be responsible for their own information.

I worry desperately for the future of America.

I am in the Summer Musical Revue with the Starkville Community Theatre. This is my first time on stage for a production other than with church since high school. I am so energized by the experience - the music, the staging, the cast, all of it. I didn't realize how much I missed the stage until I got back on it.

Our family headed north for vacation. We were in PA and Ohio, where we enjoyed much cooler weather and the company of friends and family. Jadyn was a trooper, despite short (or non-existent) naps. She experienced her first amusement park rides and, with the exception of the Tilt-A-Whirl, had a blast. I suspect she inherited her Opa's tendency towards nausea while spinning. The trip itself was a day longer than planned, due to an unexpected overnight lay-over in Memphis. Never have I been so thankful to return to Mississippi. The trip was great, but you reach a point where all you want is to sleep in your own bed and pee in your own potty.

(Pictures will appear on Jadyn's blog soon - I almost promise.)

Lately I've been feeling kind of disconnected from my church family. That is due, in part, to having been gone for 2 Sundays. But after having been on staff and being so closely involved in the goings-on of the community, it's been a long and difficult adjustment to my new position on the edge. I feel different. Not necessarily bad, but not the same. I am trying to look at my life as having entered a new chapter. I'm encountering new people, finding new communities for myself. But I still feel a bit "homesick".

Where the heck have I been?

2008-05-15T19:57:00.002-05:00

I know, its been way too long since I posted anything truly interesting. You'll have to forgive me. It's been about 4 years since I had a full-time job, and it's taken some adjustment. And just because I haven't posted anything interesting, that doesn't mean I haven't experienced anything interesting. I may, in fact, start a theme for upcoming posts. Something to the effect of "Why I Worry for the Future of America", subtitled "College Kids and the Stupid Things They Say".

My boss, who's been at the college for 18 years, has more than once threatened to write a book.

Finally

2008-04-25T17:46:00.003-05:00

Ok so I haven't posted for while, but I have news.

I GOT A JOB! I'm the Assistant Registrar for East Mississippi Community College. YAY!

I've gotta say, doing a 40 hour week has been quite a change, for all of us.

Don't you just hate it when...

2008-04-15T17:26:00.001-05:00

...you're expecting a phone call and the phone doesn't ring, and doesn't ring, and doesn't ring...

Mysterious Ways

2008-04-10T14:24:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it tickles me how God chooses to talk to me.

I have been watching way too much daytime TV while I am scouring employment websites for job leads. Today I happened upon an episode of Scrubs that was actually about how God is in charge and things "happen for a reason". One of the characters even quoted Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Ok, so she really said "all things work for good" but she did actually give the reference.

I've been sitting here feeling horrible about myself because of the seeming endless parade of "they went with another candidate" responses to my job hunt. And God has been trying to tell me that He is in control and He can be trusted. Apparently I haven't been listening very well because He resorted to a sit-com to get His point across.

I love how He makes me laugh.

Finally, a Post with a Change of Pace

2008-04-09T16:20:00.005-05:00

As a family we decided to paint a cement bulldog to be auctioned off at an area arts festival later this month. (The bulldog is the mascot of the Mississippi State University.) The theme is Memphis - because MSU played in the Liberty Bowl there past January. There are all sorts of things that go with that theme, so we were told to just get creative, have fun and provide a picture and short essay about our bulldog.

Here's our entry, being submitted tonight:

Grill Master Bully

This creation comes from Amanda – with largely moral support from husband Paul and daughter Jadyn. This little guy is taking care of business, Memphis style! He’s dressed for grilling in his TCB MSU collar and “Pet the Cook” apron. Armed with his trusty basting brush and his grilling cookbook, he’s whipped up some barbeque and licked up the Liberty Bowl! He’d be a great companion on your own culinary adventures – be they by the grill outside or the stove indoors.

Plodding Along

2008-04-04T19:57:00.001-05:00

It sometimes takes enormous effort to believe that a fruitless job search does not indicate personal or professional uselessness.

OK...

2008-03-20T17:07:00.003-05:00

So I'm not so bad. And I recognize that a big part of what I'm struggling with is believing lies about myself. It's true that I need to hear what God thinks of me. And I need to hear this without the filter of others. I need to hear it directly from Him, because people have muddied the waters for me - even people who meant well.

Stay tuned for installments of "Lies I Believed and the Truths that Correct Them". This should be interesting....at least to me.

Revelation

2008-03-13T11:18:00.003-05:00

Ok, so people called me brave after my last big self-exposing post. I warn you, this is bigger, deeper and uglier. I could barely face it myself, but I feel like I have to deal with it to get beyond it and to keep from passing it on to Jadyn.

I was lying awake the other night wrestling with a gnawing pain in me that I couldn't name. As I began to think on it and allow myself to really feel it, I realized what it could be.

I think I may hate myself. Maybe I always have, as far back as I can remember. I can't think of much I truly like about myself. Even the things I try to see as good are laced with negatives. I second-guess everything I see in me that could have any possible value. I judge myself with the harshest eye, and I see almost everything I have ever done as failing, or at least "not good enough". And most of my life I have been trying to prove to others that I'm worth having around. Ironically, this often winds up having the opposite effect. I act the way I think people want me to act and usually get it wrong. No wonder I'm so tired!

I don't say all this to ask for sympathy or cheering up. I'm not asking for anyone to feel sorry for me or list the good qualities they see in me. And while recent events have put me more in touch with my pain, they are not the true reason for it, or for my "brave" disclosure of it. I'm simply voicing this as a revelation I've had in hopes of getting close to the root of my "illness"; maybe this will ultimately help me get better. Maybe this is the bottom and from now on the direction will be up.

But the coinciding truth to all this is that I have no real understanding of how to turn this around. I don't know how to love myself. All I can do in this moment of ultimate desperation and vulnerability is beg God to heal me, to show me how to get past this, and to help me become who I was meant to be underneath all this yuck.

Progress

2008-03-04T13:50:00.000-06:00

I'm doing better. Thanks.

Still no job, though.

Illness

2008-02-27T19:15:00.002-06:00

I'm sick.

Sick of acting like I'm ok.
Sick of acting like everything is fine.
Sick of feeling rejected and alone.
Sick of feeling angry every time I walk into my church.
Sick of hiding what is really going on inside my heart.
Sick of masking the pain that goes deeper than I understand.

A few months ago, before my life seemed to go to pot, a few friends commented on how I suddenly seemed "happy"; that my bitter edge seemed to have melted away. And for a while I thought they were right. I did feel happy. I did notice that I didn't feel angry or bitter.

But then it all went downhill. Now I feel like I have to pretend that I'm still that happy contented person, even though life has been spiraling downward in the past few months. I was sharing this feeling with a friend and it occurred to me that maybe I had that angry edge because I use that to hide from the real pain I have buried deeper than I realized.

I'm wounded. I'm a mess. Recent events have hurt me, but more than that, they have touched deep places with very old scars. And I have been trying to shield myself from the pain associated with this reality. That shield has barbs on it to keep people away, and it's done a good job. People have kept their distance, commenting to each other about my erratic emotional state. And it's all thanks to my unwillingness to deal with serious root issues.

I'm done. I'm done with holding it together, making nice-nice so people won't talk about me behind my back. I'm done with pretending I have more faith than I do. I'm done with smiling so people think I'm OK with life.

I have real deep pain, I need real deep healing. Just as with surgery, it will be messy. It will cause more pain initially with the goal of actually removing the cause of the underlying hurt.

God knows what He's doing. I know this in my head. I'm about to experience it in my heart.

This is gonna hurt.

And in other news...

2008-02-08T18:08:00.000-06:00

That old expression "when it rains, it pours" seems rather cliche, rather simple. But when it's happening in your own life it often feels like "when you're drowning you will be offered a drink".

The job search continues. I had one interview that went really well, at least from my side of the table, on January 28. I still have not heard from them but they said that it can take a long time for them (an international corporation with local establishments) to complete the hiring process. They said that getting someone behind the desk by February 18 would be moving fast for them. *sigh*

I must have sent out over 20 resumes by now. I don't really want to have to file an unemployment claim (even though I qualify) until it becomes absolutely necessary. I still believe I have a great background to fit the jobs for which I applied, but I must admit, my faith is beginning to get shaky.

Oh, and last week I found out I was pregnant. This week, by some freak circumstance that I couldn't possibly begin to understand, I am no longer pregnant. Right. Again.

I know God doesn't play games, but really. Come on now.

Twister

2008-01-17T19:14:00.000-06:00

Sometimes life hits like a whirlwind. The past 6 months have been like this. The most recent development is that due to the budget constraints of my employer I find myself needing a job. To be honest, I'm scared. I know, I know. I'm supposed to "have faith" and "trust God" and all of that. And I'm trying to. I am realizing that doing this is a moment-by-moment process. It can't be done all at once.

The job I had was great. It afforded so much flexibility and I could be home with Jadyn most of the time. Now I think I will most likely need to get a conventional 40-hr job and Jadyn will be in full-time daycare.

Now I'm working really hard on looking forward to seeing how God is going to choose to provide for us. Please, if you're a praying person, shoot one up for us.

Life Imitating Art

2008-01-11T19:45:00.000-06:00

I love these lyrics. They come from the Rush song "Far Cry" off their latest album, Snakes & Arrows.

"Whirlwind life of faith and betrayal
Rise in anger, fall back and repeat"

Utterings

2007-12-28T14:04:00.000-06:00

Jadyn, not quite 2 1/2 years old, has entered the "why" phase. It's only just started; she's only asked a few times so far. But I'm already worried - not about her, mind you, but about myself.

Today I actually uttered one of those generational phrases that every new mother insists they will never use.

Me: Jadyn, get down from there.

Jadyn: Why?

Me (as an autonomic response): Because I said so.

Even though I immediately apologized to her and gave her a valid reason, it was too late. It was done. It was official.

I'm a mommy cliche.

Just You Wait

2007-12-27T22:28:00.000-06:00

One of these days I'm going to write a play about being a Yankee girl living in the heart of Dixie. Heck, I bet it would be a great Lifetime movie!

This Christmas

2007-12-24T15:43:00.000-06:00

Wishing you...

...the deepest of joys.
...the highest of hopes.
...the widest of smiles.

May your Christmas include all of these. Blessings from our home to yours.

Santa Baby

2007-12-07T16:49:00.000-06:00

What on earth are we gonna tell Jadyn about Santa? I keep going over this in my head and in conversations with some of my friends. Long before I was a mother, a friend and I were discussing the concept. She said that if you tell your kids about Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Jesus, what happens when they figure out the truth about the first three? Will they then question the reality of Jesus as well? So at that point I decided that when had kids, I would tell them about the real man (St. Nicolas) and how he evolved into the idea of Santa. But the whole deal of putting out cookies and reindeer food? Behaving so Santa would not leave coal in the stockings? Nah.

But, as with so many "ideals" that change once the reality of parenthood hits, I'm rethinking my position on this. Today my favorite blogger, DaMomma, posted about this very concept. I know that by this time next year, when Jadyn will be 3, we'll have to really have this figured out. But so far, we just let Jadyn recognize Santa as a character, much as she recognizes Dora or Barney.

Open to input, folks. Please comment.

And Now I'm Back...to Cyber Space!

2007-11-30T09:52:00.001-06:00

Thanks for hanging in there with me. It's been a month since I posted on here - sorry about that. But I have been posting on Jadyn's blog all month in honor of National Blog Posting Month. (NaBloPoMo) So head on over there (if you haven't already) and check out the cuteness so overwhelming that you feel like you've been smothered in puppies.

Disappointment

2007-10-29T16:46:00.000-05:00

It took some time away to decide to let God back into my heart, to trust him in spite of the fact that I have absolutely no idea why he would do this. For all I know he may even do this again. But because I know what is true about him regardless of my current feelings, I choose to believe in spite of my disappointment with God.

Over Too Soon

2007-10-16T17:06:00.000-05:00

Dear Baby,

We found out today that you are no longer with us. We can't tell you how sad we are that we aren't going to get to experience you growing and coming into the world and becoming part of our family. We know that Jesus has other plans in mind for you, and that your brief time among us will somehow bring glory to God if we let it. We all love you so much and we look forward to one day seeing you when we all get to Heaven. Until that time, we know God will take good care of you.

Love,
Mommy, Daddy and Jadyn

Rocky Mountain High

2007-10-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

Wow. This trip to Colorado was amazing. I am so grateful that I got to experience all God had for me this weekend, and that my friend Kim was there to share it. I didn't go into the retreat expecting God to do anything specific, but I knew He would show up, and boy, did he ever!

Here are a few pics. I kept wishing I'd had our "good" camera with me!

The peak behind our cabin.

On Friday after a prayer time, God gave us a rainbow. Out of nowhere. No rain or anything.

A reminder of what fall is supposed to look like. I miss real fall. It doesn't happen here in Mississippi.

Sunrise over the Rockies.

"Official"

2007-10-03T13:59:00.000-05:00

I went to the doctor's office yesterday for another ultrasound. We hoped to be able to see fetal circulation and thereby determine a more firm due date. Hooray! Our official date is May 26th.

Please pray for us during this time. For some reason I'm more scared this time than I was with Jadyn about possible problems. Maybe it's my age, I don't know. I'm nervous, but I also know that God is totally in control and planned all along for this pregnancy to happen. And I'm so thankful!

Anticipation

2007-10-01T09:12:00.000-05:00

I am so excited! My friend Kim and I are going to a women's retreat in Colorado this week, and I'm counting down the hours till we get on the plane. She is picking me up at 3 AM on Thursday to catch a 6:10 AM flight from Birmingham. UGH! Maybe I will just stay up. I'm sure I'll be too wired to sleep. Then again, I've been so exhausted lately, maybe I'll go to bed at 7 PM. Who knows.

The event, called Captivating Women's Retreat, is put on by the Ransomed Heart ministry. It takes place on the side of a mountain that is 14,000 feet tall. I had to check with the doctor to see if going to a high elevation in my "condition" is ok. He said I could go, but no high ropes course or giant swing for me.

Friends who have gone on this retreat before say that all hell tends to break loose right before the event - so much so that it may seem a better idea to stay home when the time comes. And BOY has that ever been the case in our life! The day after I found out I'm pregnant, I wrecked our minivan. We're still trying to get a replacement vehicle before the clock runs out on our insurance-paid-for rental car. Then Paul got sick last night and is at the doctor right now. Stress, stress, stress. But we recognize it for what it is. It's a ploy to distract me and tempt me to stay home. So I say, "No way!"

I'm really looking forward to this event. Sure, it will be great to completely "unplug" for a while - no phones or internet for 4 days. But the prospect of a true "mountaintop" experience with God is just so appealing right now. And getting to share it with my dear friend Kim makes it even better.

I am still concerned about the high altitude. I was worried about that before we found out about the pregnancy. I'm not in the best shape as it is. I get winded far too easily here at sea level. How am I going to handle the difference in oxygen levels? And now I'm breathing for two. The doctor said to make sure I'm well hydrated because that helps prevent altitude sickness. So great - I'll be peeing even more than I already do. But if it keeps me and Teeny ok, I'll live in the bathroom. I hope the sessions are piped in on the loudspeaker.

The Answer

2007-09-25T21:48:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago I posted about the question everyone seems to be asking. "When are you going to have another baby?" Well, ladies and gentlemen of blogdom, I present to you the answer.

Sometime around Memorial Day.

AAAAHHHHHRRRRR!

2007-09-19T10:50:00.000-05:00

Happy "Talk Like a Pirate" Day!

I may very well watch Pirates of the Caribbean this afternoon, in honor of the day.

The Question

2007-09-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

There's an interesting phenomena that hits when your first child approaches the 2-year mark. You start hearing "The Question". I promise, in the past 2 weeks, it must have come up in conversation at least 10 times. It seems everyone wants to know.

"So when are you having another one?"

Frankly I'm surprised I didn't see this coming sooner. I suppose that up until this point a mother is given that "baby" grace period. But Jadyn is officially no longer a baby or even a toddler. The 2nd birthday marked her in most circles as a "preschooler". Suddenly the goings-on of my reproductive system are once again considered an appropriate topic of conversation. Even Jadyn's doctor asked about it, saying, "Hey, I'm a pediatrician. For me, it's job security!"

The first time this baby question pops up is when you've been married a few years. You're past that "newlywed" phase and it's time to get on with the business of fruitfulness and multiplication. Because this took longer for us than for most, we had to bear up under the procreation pressure (only rarely unspoken) for quite a long time.

I suppose part of me is simply amused. Why wouldn't it be my turn to have another? And look how great Jadyn turned out; wouldn't I want to grace the world with more of that cuteness? But the other part - the bigger part - is scared. I'm scared that I face another long trek of infertility. After all, it took 4 1/2 years for Jadyn, and technically we've been "open" to the possibility of pregnancy for over a year now. Then there's the whole twisted guilt trip of already having a child. "At least you have Jadyn if you never have another." True, we have Jadyn and she is more amazing that we could have dreamed. So do we dare want another child? Is it wrong to want Jadyn to be a sister?

Time is ticking. I'm 36 and Paul is on the cusp of 40. Odds are already against us. I was already feeling the pressure in myself - now it's external too.

So my answer to all those who ask? "We're working on it."

Flashback

2007-09-09T14:19:00.000-05:00

Two years ago this was my post:
----------------

Ticking Timebomb

Now that my parents are here and have helped us with the unpacking, I'm beginning to feel like a ticking timebomb, with folks just waiting for me to go off. Every time I wince in pain, everyone jumps, even though it's from a sore hip or something non-uterus related. I keep getting phone calls along the lines of "You're not at the hospital?" to which I want to respond, "I'm talking to you, aren't I? You called me at home, didn't you?" I'm telling ya, I really hope this happens sooner rather than later now. You know what they say about a watched pot never boiling? I wonder if that's true of a pregnant woman too.

------------------
I was great with child, just finishing up moving, and watching the news about Katrina's aftermath. And I realize now that what "they" say is true. You're never really "ready".

Here we are are, 2 years later. This week has been consumed with the business of birthday party preparations. A local playground is the venue and Elmo is the chosen them. (Yes, I promise to post picture's on Jadyn's blog.)

I guess because of the anticipated celebration I have been nostalgic. Clicking through old blog postings, smiling at photos from the last 2 years, and realizing that while it hasn't always been easy, I really HAVE forgotten most of the hard parts in favor of the good times. And there have been good times aplenty. A hundred"firsts", a thousand pictures, a million smiles.

I'm a different person than I was then. In some ways more intense, in others far less so. More secure but more of a worrier than ever. Busier but too often less productive. More exhausted and more satisfied.

I love being Mommy.

The Littlest Missionary

2007-08-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

We frequently eat at a local Chinese buffet here in town. When Jadyn started talking, I taught her the Chinese word for hello, which is ni hao. She has quickly become a favorite of the restaurant staff, and as soon as we walk in we are greeted by a crowd of smiling Chinese girls all wanting to hold and play with our tiny princess. It is seriously adorable. They've even started teaching her other words like thank you and good-bye. Quite the linguist. She even knows to only use those words with the Chinese girls - she speaks English to everyone else.

But tonight it occurred to me that all of this may become a lot more than simple cuteness. Tonight we told them about what Jadyn's name means - "God has heard, God has answered" - and our struggle to conceive and the subsequent blessing of Jadyn. The girl who understood me the best translated for her friends. In that moment I realized it was the first time we'd brought God into our conversations. Hopefully this is just the first of many times that Jadyn will help bring the Gospel to people of another culture.

She also likes the fried rice.

Three Little Words

2007-07-30T13:04:00.000-05:00

I was away from Thursday to Sunday helping with a sort of youth retreat over the weekend. I returned fulfilled yet exhausted. Being with 36 teenage girls for 72 hours can be a lot of fun and rather draining, all at the same time.

I came home after not seeing Jadyn for 3 1/2 days and I was SO ready to see her; I was greeted by laughter and squeals of delight. After hugs and kisses, I said, "I love you." To my glad surprise, she looked at me and for the first time in her life said, "I wuv yoo!" Through tears I picked her up and held her close.

What a welcome home.

Blogger's Block

2007-07-24T16:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, so something on Tommy's site finally inspired me to post something.

The Rules:

Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

*Modification. If you're reading this, consider yourself tagged.

1. I can count to 10 in 6 languages, counting sign language.

2. I turned 21 years old in a farmer's field in Austria.

3. I almost never drink hot caffeinated beverages. Except maybe hot chocolate. Tea or coffee very rarely.

4. I am fairly particular about the order in which my groceries get put on the belt. Comes from having been a bagger in a grocery store when I was a teenager.

5. If I'm not at least 20 minutes early for a movie, I feel like I'm late.

6. I don't believe in whipped cream. Not enough flavor for the caloric impact, in my opinion.

7. I prefer sci-fi to chick flicks.

8. The combination of chocolate and peanut butter is like nectar of the gods.

Sssshhhhh.

2007-06-29T16:41:00.001-05:00

A quote from "The King and I":

"When one does not know what to say, it is a time to be silent."

Hm. Perhaps this explains my lack of blogging...

Playing Tag

2007-06-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

I don't want to tag someone and put them on the spot, but these things are kinda fun. I got this from Jemmers. Answer with only one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2. Relationship? married

3. Your hair? striped

4. Work? half

5. Your sister? non-existant

6. Your favorite thing? chocolate

7. Your dream last night? stressful

8. Your favorite drink? slushies

9. Your dream car? infiniti

10. The room you're in? den

11. Your shoes? off

12. Your fears? inadequacy

13. What do you want to be in 10 years? singer

14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? "guys"

15. What are you not good at? math

16. Muffin? carbs!

17. One of your wish list items? cruise

18. Where you grew up? Pennsylvania

19. Last thing you did? typed

20. What are you wearing? pjs

21. What aren't you wearing? unmentionables

22. Your pet? dog

23. Your computer? laptop

24. Your life? transition

25. Your mood? anxious

26. Missing? space

27. What are you thinking about right now? Jadyn

28. Your car? minivan

29. Your kitchen? clean!

30. Your summer? humid

31. Your favorite color? peach

32. Last time you laughed? yesterday

33. Last time you cried? May

34. School? maybe

35. Love? always

One Short Year

2007-06-16T20:15:00.000-05:00

A year ago today our dear friends Chris & Leah and their two children (Miller and Mallory) were killed in a horrible car accident. This week Paul and I went to hear Chris's (and Paul's) favorite band in concert - Rush. While we were there rockig out, I kept thinking, "I wonder what Chris would think..."

Lord, please hug them for me and let them know that I miss them.

Party Down!

2007-06-11T23:11:00.000-05:00

Us at a recent wedding, taken by our friend Alison.

My Shoes

2007-05-19T11:22:00.000-05:00

Right now Jadyn is walking around in my shoes.
In many ways, I hope she never really does that.
But it sure is cute for now.

(I'll post the rest of the Orange Conference stuff later.)

Orange Pt 2

2007-05-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

Today we had a few really amazing sessions. The first was by Francis Chan and it was really inspiring and convicting. Here are some of the ideas he presented (and my responses):

What is it that I ALONE am called to do? (I'm still working this out, but I'm getting closer to it. More on this another time.)
Oswald Chambers had a quote: "Never make a principle out of your experience. Let God be as original with others as he has been with you." (This really hit me, not just as it refers to making principles out of MY experiences, but I noticed that I tend to make principles out of OTHERS' experiences as well. I need to remember that God will also be original with ME.)
He told the story of Dean Karnazes, who came home drunk after celebrating his 30th birthday and suddenly decided to run. (Cue Forrest Gump montage.) He finally stopped 30 miles away from home after having run ALL NIGHT LONG. He realized that maybe he had a gift. Now he is a very accomplished runner. The point is that he had no idea of the outcome when he decided to "just run". But that's exactly what he did. (Too often I get caught up in not doing things because I'm unsure of the outcome. I suspect this is true of many people.)
He talked about an encounter he had with a Jehovah's Witness. This person asked him what he thought of the JWs and his response was that he didn't like them very much because instead of allowing people to truly discover God for themselves by searching His word, they are feeding people what they want them to hear. But then he realized that this may also be true for most Christians. (I definitely think most of what I "know" of God has been fed to me by others and not self-fed.)
He asked a rather thought-provoking question. "If I ONLY ever had the Bible, what would I expect to see when I walked through the doors of a church for the first time?" (Hmm. Is that what we are presenting now?)
He told about having been invited to speak at a Korean prayer meeting that met at 5 AM in Anaheim, CA. His first thought was that it would probably just be a few folks kneeling for a little while, no big deal. But what he encountered was drastically different. They were doing this prayer meeting for 14 days straight and there were THOUSANDS of folks there every day, including babies, preschoolers, kids and teens. It was amazing to see the video of the event. These people were seriously committed. He said that if someone in that church wanted to serve in ANY capacity, including just passing out bullitens, they had to complete a 3-year discipleship training that included 10-15 hours of Bible training per week. Over 3,000 of them have already finished the training. (I wonder if we've set the bar so low that we in the modern American church have removed the need for any real commitment on the part of our members.)
What would it look like if we truly took the Bible literally? For instance, loving your neighbor AS YOURSELF. We all make sure we have enough food to eat, clothes to wear, housing to enjoy, etc. What if we made sure the same was true for the people around us? How would it change our family and church budgets? (Wow. Just....wow.)
Remarking on Hebrews 11 and Rahab specifically, he said that if it's true that without faith it's impossible to please God, what if the reverse is true? Maybe with faith it's impossible to DISplease God. (To God, the result isn't nearly as important as my dependence on Him as I make a sincere effort. Failure does not negate faith!)
Don't get paralyzed by the church. It's not an excuse to not try. No church leader will tell us NOT to follow Jesus with all we have. We may not be able to use the building for a prayer meeting at 5 AM, but we can certainly use our own home. (I'm glad I'm part of a church that is more likely than not to encourage doing whatever God is truly calling us to.)

I'm wiped out, otherwise I'd talk about the next session now. Maybe later this week.

ORANGE

2007-05-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

This is day 1 of the Orange Conference. (If you don't know about Orange, check the link. It's a pretty cool concept about church ministry.) I am blogging on some of what I heard tonight so I can keep it fresh. You reading it is just icing on the proverbial cake.

Sometimes we think what we're doing (to reach others) is working, but it's not. This could be because it works for US, but it doesn't work for others. This especially hit me as it applies to worship music. I've recently set a goal for myself to write a worship song that a brand new believer with no church background would write. So many worship songs have words like glorious or redeemed or exalt. While these are Biblical words, they are not something the average new believer would say with authenticity. I wonder how much of our worship music doesn't touch new Christians because it seems so "churchy".
Offering a "blended" service to keep everyone "happy" may be completely ineffective because it's not really relevent to anyone. Trying to combine service elements from different styles of worship can be powerful, but often it's just a random combination that seems to have no forethought, and that's just annoying.
Are we making it easier or harder for people to come to God? This question also came up at the DRIVE conference at Northpoint Church last fall. I'm glad it came up again because I think I'm ready to ponder it in a new and different light. I may touch more on this in a subsequent post.
Ministering to the family unit as a whole is not only possible, but it is powerful. It shows all the members not only the stories of our faith, but it also shows each member that they have something to contribute to the whole. The Bible story used as an example of this was the story of Nehemiah. When he was gathering people to help rebuild the wall around the city, he called families to come together for this common purpose. Imagine how the kids of the day felt when they saw that wall come up and realized that they had a part in it! How empowering for them!

The next installment will hopefully come at the end of the day tomorrow.

Have you ever?

2007-05-02T20:15:00.000-05:00

Have you ever justed want "normal"....
...only to realize that normal doesn't exist?

Have you ever thought you finally had something figured out...
...only to realize you have no idea what's going on?

Have you ever hoped for something good...
...only to realize that what you have already is better?

Have you ever felt that your days stretched endlessly before you...
...only to realize that mortality is always a breath away?

Have you ever been experienced captivity...
...only to realize that the door was open all along?

Conformity

2007-04-25T21:54:00.000-05:00

Today I noticed something interesting as I watched my daughter play. We were outside in the back yard. It's a wide open space, and there are a few trails worn in the dirt from our dog running back and forth along a consistent path.

Jadyn decided to explore a bit, and when I looked up, I saw her following one of these trails rather than blazing her own. It seemed almost instinctive, like going along the predetermined path was not a choice but a necessity. I saw her try to go off the path once, only to return to it within a few steps.

I wondered to myself, "What exactly does this mean? Is she already a conformist? Is she more likely a follower than a leader? Will it be harder for her to think 'outside the box'?"

And then I chilled out and realized that she probably is just brilliant enough to realize that she was able to walk more steadily on the path than on the uneven grass.

Sheesh, sometimes I'm such a freak.

What we have here is a failure to communicate!

2007-04-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

The thing about talking to a toddler is that they understand most of what you say, and all of what they say, but have no clue that it comes out in a verbal glob of goo.

Most conversations with Jadyn (especially in the car) go like this:

"Mama!"

"Yes, baby."

"I wano schee nmoewn wnoew sye."

"Oh, ok."

"Mama!"

"Yes, baby."

"I wano scheen mynwo ee-yo."

"Ok, baby."

"MAMA!"

And so it goes. I have just begun to interpret some of this. She is often asking for me to sing to her, I think, and one of her favorites is Old MacDonald. After a rousing round of animal sounds (here, there and everywhere), I often hear this coming from her carseat:

"Kua la da, Kua la da, ee aye oooh!"

I can't stand the cuteness!!!

Flashback

2007-03-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong. I love being a fully functional, independent, productive adult member of society. I would NOT want to go back to most of the phases of my childhood and DEFINITELY not my teen years.

But there are times when living the life of an 18 month old seems like heaven. No work, no responsibility, just snacks, play and a regular afternoon nap. Those really were the good old days.

Testimony

2007-03-17T22:40:00.000-05:00

I gave my testimony at a MOPS luncheon today. I thought I'd post most of it here because, well, I just thought it would be good to get it out there, for those who don't know it.

WARNING: It's a tad long.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”

I want to tell you how the message behind this verse has impacted me as I have lived out my story thus far. But first, some background.

It’s never been an easy thing for me to trust God’s perfect plan for my life – to have faith in his unfailing love for me. But He has given me some opportunities along the way to grow more and depend on him. I want to share a few of those with you.

When I was in my early 20s I was working at a Christian retreat center in the mountains of PA. It was during a time when all my friends were marrying off, and I was beginning to wonder and worry if I’d ever meet the ONE. This was the topic of most of my prayers. One day I was in the chapel when I noticed a poster with those verses on it. I was drawn to that last part in particular. “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” I remember praying, “God, I AM seeking you.” And I felt him whisper gently to my heart. “You’re not seeking me. You’re not seeking my face. You’re seeking my hand – what I can do for you, but you’re not seeking ME.” Oh.

And thus began a running theme in my life.

I met Paul online 10 years ago – long before the days of eHarmony or Match.com. God showed us clearly even before we met in person that we were meant to be together. It made no logical sense, as my mother and many friends continuously pointed out, but it was so obviously God’ will that it was impossible to deny. Paul moved to Pennsylvania to be with me, and we got engaged.

6 weeks before our wedding Paul’s mother passed away. She lived in Montgomery, AL and had amassed several pieces of run-down rental property and an enormous amount of clutter. We knew we’d have to forget our plans of newlywed life and quit our jobs to move to Alabama and start the cleanup process. I was furious that our “normal” life had been robbed from us. For a Yankee girl like me, the idea of moving not only to the South but to the very Cradle of the Confederacy was frankly appalling – no offense to my Southern friends.

Shortly after we arrived in Montgomery, Paul’s mother’s house was broken into 7 times in 3 weeks. So there I was, a newlywed, a stranger in a foreign culture, a victim of crime. It was not an easy time to see God’s hand (which seemed to have allowed so much pain and tragedy), so we had to seek His face and trust His sovereignty and character. It was a day by day and sometimes minute by minute choice. I didn’t always choose the right thing. Sometimes I was bitter and depressed. Sometimes I lashed out in anger and pain. But sometimes I let the Lord pick me up and keep me going. Sometimes He brought people into my life to encourage and support us and remind us that He is a loving God.

During this time we began trying to have a baby. I knew because my system was anything but “clockwork” that we would probably encounter some trouble. I figured it would take maybe 6 or 8 months, a year at most. In those first few months, I met people who had faced infertility for years and I just couldn’t imagine having to face that struggle myself.

We’d been trying for almost a year when I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS. Basically, my hormones were out of whack so I rarely ovulated. It was a frustrating time, seeing friends become pregnant so easily while I waited. Then, at the end a year of trying, I found out I was pregnant. It was finally my turn. When I got the result of my blood test, I heard the nurse say, “Yes, you’re pregnant, BUT…” My heart sank. My levels were low. It didn’t look good. I went in for another test, which confirmed our fears. A few days later, it was all over.

I wish I could tell you that I didn’t get angry, that I didn’t ask God WHY a hundred times a day, that I didn’t completely ignore God for a while. I felt like He had been teasing me, causing me pain needless pain. That first Sunday in church, the last thing I felt like doing was praising God. But the verse that kept running through my head was from Job: “Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him.” I can’t say that choosing to praise Him made me feel instantly better. But I clung to the idea that His plans for me and for that baby were for my ultimate good. Even when I thought I would collapse from the pain. Even when friends were saying, “Oops, we’re pregnant – AGAIN!” God is sovereign, God is good.

Several months after the miscarriage, Paul and I were offered the opportunity to adopt a yet unborn baby from a crisis pregnancy. The baby’s mother was being told to abort, but didn’t want to, and it was felt that if she knew the baby was going to a good home, she could go through the pregnancy. After some prayer, we felt like this was what God wanted for us. So we agreed and started the wheels in motion. Two weeks later we got a call. The mother was, for some unknown reason, no longer pregnant. It was over.

Again I was angry, frustrated and broken-hearted. It felt like God was playing with me again and I must admit that I didn’t speak to him very much for a while. I can’t say even now that I understand it, but eventually I accepted that it being God’s perfect will was not dependent upon me understanding it.

So it was back to the proverbial drawing board. I read all the books, checked all the websites. For a while I tried temperature charting and several different drugs, but eventually I just let it go. I was tired of feeling like infertility had become my identity, like I was walking around with a big scarlet “I” on my chest. The obsession over my ovaries was overwhelming and I’d had enough. I took a break from the drugs, the books, the charting, all of it.

After 6 years and 14 construction-sized dumpsters full of garbage, we were finally finished the clean up process in Montgomery. Paul started looking for a job to return to his chosen field of journalism. Around this time doctor put me on special medication because I had pre-diabetic symptoms, and among the side effects was listed “increased fertility”. I threatened to take double doses! I took it for several months and kept waiting.

In June of 2004 we moved to Columbus to start over. Paul got a job at the newspaper, and I got involved here at Hope. We bought a house and started getting settled. In December I was offered the position of Director of Children’s Ministry here at Hope. While I still wanted a child, and still felt the pain of infertility, I was beginning to accept that God could do amazing things in my life regardless of my being “reproductively challenged”.

On January 2 of 2005, I told the folks at my church about how God had been showing me through this process of infertility to continually seek His face, regardless of what came through His hand. The next day I got quite a shock. There were 2 lines. I couldn’t believe it. After 4 ½ years, maybe this was finally it. We were so scared because of our previous miscarriage. The first 3 months were a little tense, but not because I had a hard time. Frankly, I sailed through pregnancy. But we still had to choose every day that God could be trusted, no matter HOW this pregnancy turned out.

I was 8 ½ months pregnant when Paul came home and told me that his boss said we had to move to Starkville to take over the office there. Pack up and leave a house we’d just settled in to, or stay and take a pay cut. So there I was, great with child in the middle of a Mississippi summer, packing boxes. Many nights I laid in bed thinking, “What is God trying to do to us?” It felt like having a calm, “normal” existence was just not possible. Again it was a matter of seeking His face, because what came through His hand wasn’t making any sense.

So along came Jadyn. I can say now, on this side of it, that because SHE was the one we were waiting for, the wait, the pain, the frustration, even the loss - it was all worth it.

And because we moved to Starkville, Paul got a different job with a much better working environment and a boss who understands family.

Now, I’m not saying that we always get to know why things happen. We’re not promised that. But we are promised that God is in control, and that He is a loving God who can be trusted with everything in our lives.

So now, here I am. Hoping for another child – hoping that I’ll be satisfied if Jadyn is all we get. Praying for another healthy baby, praying I have the strength to go through another round of infertility if that’s what God wants for me. It’s easy to say that what I want the most is God’s will. It’s much harder to feel it day in, day out. So for now, I’m still going to seek God’s face, regardless of what His hand has for me. Because no matter what, He is sovereign, and He is good.

Stuck

2007-03-06T17:51:00.000-06:00

There's nothing like having a sick child at home to make one feel "stuck". I feel like I've been in this situation for weeks. Maybe I have - I tend to lose track of time.

I still wouldn't trade it for the world. She's worth every bit of it.

I just hate to see her not being herself. My mom used to say, "When you're a mom, you'd rather be sick than your child." I never really understood that until I had a child of my own. Now I'd be sick for weeks rather than her sick for a day.

I can't imagine how mom's of chronically sick kids do it. Most would probably say, "You just do." Kudos to them all.

Reality

2007-03-02T21:55:00.000-06:00

Paul and I got to have dinner with some folks who are so refreshingly real. (Not that most of my friends aren't "real", but somehow this was different. No spiritual platitudes, no "right answers". Just acceptance and authenticity. I love it when I get to encounter truth without condemnation or judgment. That, to me, seems to be a great expression of love.

What's Love Got to Do With It?

2007-02-27T21:24:00.000-06:00

I realized this week that I tend to approach Bible reading with the following subconscious thought: "Ok (heavy sigh), let's see what else I'm not doing right that God wants me to get straight." Lately it's been hard to see anything but correction in my personal devotion times. And while I understand that correction comes because He loves me, the love seemed secondary. It's as though I see God as primarily being interested in pointing out the myriad of things that are wrong with me.

So earlier this week, I was reading the "Love" passage - 1 Cor. 13 - and I was expecting God to show me all the ways I have not been very loving lately. I haven't been patient with my child, kind to my spouse, etc, etc, etc. But that's not what I came away with. What I saw instead was that all those things about love are also about God Himself, since God is love, according to 1 John 4. And then something else occurred to me. All these things are characteristic of the relationship He wants to have with me - this is how He treats me!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13:4-7

When I looked at the passage from a new perspective, I found that I was able to find encouragement along with reproof, love along with discipline. It shouldn't surprise me. Now that I am a parent, I find myself correcting my toddler not just so I can so "NO" 1835 times a day (and believe me, it feels like that sometimes). I do it because I love her and I want her to grow into the woman God intends her to be. Doing so means disciplining her even now. It means keeping her safe, adjusting her already independent attitude, and instructing her on proper behavior. How much more can I expect God to parent me in such a manner?

I love it when God screws my head on straight.

Under the Microscope

2007-02-24T20:53:00.000-06:00

It's one of those very uncomfortable times in my life when it feels like all my many flaws are not just being exposed but also magnified to the point where nothing else about me is visible to me or anyone else.

I'm trying to figure out if God is trying to bring things to my attention or if the enemy is trying to distract me or both. I want to change, to improve, to let God deal with me. I want to be obedient to His will and yield to His discipline. I recognize that everything God allows is for my ultimate good and His ultimate glory. I just want to discern what of this is a trial - a difficult situation not brought on by my disobedience - and what of this is, as my mentor calls it, is a "spanking".

Ultimately, I just want to know from God the truth of who I am and WHERE I am and where I need to be. And I want to be understood and accepted during the process.

Choosing a Different Perspective

2007-02-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

It was not an easy day. Something happened that, while in the scheme of things was very small, was nonetheless very frustrating. I was angry and I felt betrayed and violated. As I was feeling these emotions, I was being told by a person I respect that this was "just a test" and I should "be grateful" and all that James 1:2 stuff that I just happened to read yesterday. And in that moment, I just became more angry and more frustrated. I got the impression that having these "negative" emotions made me less spiritual - less holy - than I was supposed to be.

So now I'm conflicted. We're told that emotions are from God. We should be in touch with them without letting them rule us. I wanted to take my moment and deal with my anger, and THEN see it from a better perspective. But is that right? Is that even remotely Biblical? Should I feel guilty for being angry?

In Ephesians 4:6 we are told, "In your anger do not sin." This seems to indicate that the anger itself is NOT sin. So how long am I allowed to be angry? Probably not long enough for it to turn to bitterness. I guess the bottomline is that after I've acknowledged my anger, I must choose to hand it to God and let Him deal with it. By completely avoiding the emotion and just stuffing it, it may likely come up in some inappropriate way further down the line.

So I choose to recognize my feelings and surrender them (and the situation) to the Lord. Now the whole thing is His problem.

Bound to Happen

2007-02-15T16:17:00.000-06:00

I knew I couldn't avoid it forever. I hoped, I prayed, but in the back of my mind I knew that eventually I'd have to deal with it.

My child is throwing up.

I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. I thought that when faced with this I would just add to the mess but so far, I've kept relatively calm and kept my lunch.

Wow, motherhood is fun.

Ebb and Flow

2007-02-06T14:59:00.000-06:00

This is already shaping up to be one of those months when my schedule, even my life, is in a constant push/pull. Run here, run there, do this, that and the other. Hurry, get this done. Wait, you forgot to make this phone call! I'm trying to not succumb to the "tyranny of the urgent". Doing so means losing sight of the reason I do most of what I do - to love God, my family and others.

Big Girl

2007-02-01T20:27:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day of Mother's Day Out. It was so strange for me to be packing a lunch for a 16 month old.

We got there, she walked into her room and barely looked back.

I thought I wasn't gonna have to feel this way until kindergarten!

Making the Jump

2007-01-25T17:08:00.000-06:00

Up to this point, Jadyn has been pretty much in my care exclusively during the day. I've taken her with me when I've gone to staff meetings or put time in at the office. And up to this point, that was working fairly well. But her increase in age has meant an increase in her ability to drive me to distraction ad infinitum.

Last week I got the call I had forgotten I was expecting. Many months ago I contacted a local Mother's Day Out program, otherwise known as "Mother's Day of Sanity". Jadyn was put on a waiting list, a fact I eventually stored where I keep most information not necessary for getting through life as a working stay at home mother.

I was in Wal-Mart when I got the call. There was an opening for Jadyn. Did I want it?

I was torn. The idea of going to staff meeting and not chasing her around the room, preventing her from tipping over coffee cups or sticking her fingers in power sockets - well, that sounded wonderful. But handing her over for a full day to be cared for by others - well, that sounded a little scary. Socially, she would love it. Financially, could we handle it?

All the input from friends has been an emphatic, "DO IT!" They agree that once you do it, you will FIND the money to make it happen. So Paul and I talked about it and decided to swallow hard and make the jump.

Today we went to check out the room, meet the teachers and register. She walked into the room, picked up a ball and was immediately at home. I, on the other hand, proceded with trepidation, asking all sorts of questions about food, naps, play time, etc. Eventually I signed on the proverbial dotted line.

She starts on February 1st. I'm either so excited I'm scared or so scared I'm excited. I'm not sure which.

Tell me, fellow bloggers, whether or not you've entered the world of daycare, and how you've fared thus far!

Why I Love DaMomma

2007-01-15T10:39:00.000-06:00

I wrote the following in response to today's post on DaMomma:

This post brought me to tears. My last grandparent, PopPop, just passed in December. Jadyn was his only great-grandchild, and though they met only once, I cherish the photo that captured this moment.

Before Jadyn came along, I never realized how much there was to fear in life. I too worry about the myriad of things over which I have no control, and I find myself especially concerned that she may make some of my most costly and painful mistakes, in spite of my trying to lead her away from them.

But I also never realized how much joy I was missing before she arrived. Every day brings something new to smile about. The sweet way she says “Bye-bye”, how she throws her hands up in cheer when I say “Roll Tide” (the Univ. of AL battle cry), how she says “Mama” when she sees a picture of me, the way she happily greets everyone with such innocent enthusiasm.

Thank you, Liz. Your writing inspires me to express my own heart.

Appointments

2007-01-07T23:21:00.000-06:00

I love it when God puts people in your path so the crud in your past can be put to good use ministering to others.

Huh-uh

2006-12-31T17:04:00.000-06:00

When your toddler begins to speak, it brings some amazing moments. Some are hilarious. Over the monitor this morning we heard Jadyn say, "All done", to indicate she was done sleeping and wanted someone to come get her. Some make you fear for your future. Today I experienced that one.

Jadyn loves things with buttons, namely phones and remote controls. It's an unending job to keep them from her, for fear she may either calls China or tell TiVo to record an entire day of OC Choppers. *sigh*

So just now I saw that she had once again absconded with the TiVo remote. Usually if she has something I'd rather she didn't have, I can ask her to hand or bring it to me and she readily complies. Today was different. She sat there playing with the remote and I reached out my hand and said, "Please give it to me."

She said, and I quote, "Huh-uh!"

Oh my great good Lord, are we ever in for it!

Crazy/Beautiful

2006-12-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

So sorry I haven't posted in over two weeks. (No, Amanda Sue, I didn't take the month off after NaBloPoMo, tempting as that may be...)

When you're a director of children's ministry, December is a very busy time. Organizing kids activities, Parents' Night Out events and a volunteer apprecation luncheon have taken up much of the time that hasn't been spent doing personal Christmas stuff. It's a crazy time, but as I'm finding out thanks to the joyous response from my 15 month old, it's also beautiful.

Now, on top of all this, my grandfather (age 95) passed away yesterday. We (Jadyn and I) will be flying to PA tomorrow, and come back on Christmas Eve. Thankfully the weather report doesn't indicate any travel riskiness at this point.

I promise I'll post again before New Year. Until then....

I wish you peace in the midst of the bustle.
I wish you love even for those you don't like.
I wish you hope in a frightening age.
I wish you faith when it's difficult to believe.
I wish you joy that surpasses your understanding.

Merry Christmas, my blog friends. May it be delightful and meaningful for you and yours.

NaBloPoMo

2006-12-02T00:07:00.000-06:00

Don't ask me about all the things I COULD have been doing instead of blogging....

30 days

2006-11-30T14:20:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I did it. Funny, the things I stick with vs. the things I don't.

NaBloPoMo rocks!

Signing

2006-11-29T18:48:00.000-06:00

My tiny sweet daughter has been sick for...um...ever (4 weeks) so today I took her back to the doctor. Actually we see this great nurse practitioner in a local clinic. We came home with stronger antibiotics and cough syrup with codiene (yes, sleep will now begin).

At the clinic, the LPN, doctor and staff all marvelled that my daughter communicates using sign language. She knows about 10-12 signs and uses most of them on her own without prompting. I admit that at times I have taken this communication skill for granted.

We came home, I gave her some of her medicine, and let her play while it "took". After a while, I looked at her and said, "Jadyn, do you want to go night-night?" And you know what she did? She signed, "Please."

Good Lord, I love that kid.

Dumbstruck

2006-11-28T21:31:00.000-06:00

This may sound strange, but there are these moments in my life when suddenly the realization that I'm a mother hits me with the force of a freight train. I'm minding my own business, picking up toys or filling a sippy cup or ordering a Happy Meal with a toddler toy, and WHAMMO. In the blink of an eye I'm reeling from the dizzying notion that this little person will spend the next several years looking to ME for answers. I can't believe that someone as clueless as I am could actually be responsible for the health and wellbeing (physical, emotional, mental and spiritual) of this tiny little wonder. This blond, blue eyed angel who runs toward me with abandon, giving me a great big smile while hugging me and patting me on the back. I think she picked this up from me. I tend to pat her back when she needs comforted.

Maybe she understands my cluelessness after all, and is just trying to comfort me through it.

Step Into Christmas

2006-11-27T20:27:00.000-06:00

Tonight was our town's annual Christmas parade, complete with marching bands of varying qualities, carloads of dolled-up cheerleaders brandishing sparkly pompoms, fire trucks making very loud noises, floats decorated in the "Christmas Around the World" theme, and marching packs of children from all sorts of local organizations. Paul, Jadyn and I watched from the sidewalk in front of his office, accompanied by folks from our church. Jadyn was happily being passed back and forth from person to person. She marvelled at the lights, boogied to the music and learned how to wave her best toddler-style Miss America wave back at the "Miss Whoevers".

I love small-town life.

The Most Wonderful Time

2006-11-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

We yanked out all the Christmas decorations yesterday. No, we still haven't set any out. In my strange little world, you can't decorate a house until it's clean. And since my world has been crazy lately, I took today's decorating time to actually clean up. Maybe I'll get the pretty stuff out tomorrow during Jadyn's nap....unless I take one too.

Maybe the stuff will be up next week...we'll see.

Less than a week

2006-11-25T22:41:00.000-06:00

This NaBloPoMo thing is wearing on me. I haven't put much thought into my requisite post of the day. Sorry, I know that's lame.

So we went to Wal-Mart this evening. It was much as I expected, with the exception of toys being placed for sale on the endcaps of the grocery aisles. Wow, are they ever pushing the kid stuff! I'm so glad Jadyn doesn't "get" it yet. I may be in for it next year.

Not-So-Black Friday

2006-11-24T20:32:00.000-06:00

In a stroke of genius, Jadyn and I didn't leave the house today. After watching the evening news and seeing the absolute craziness that falls on humanity while entering retail stores at 4:30 AM, I am very glad we hung out at home all day. I'm fairly certain the one toy I really want for Jadyn will still be available later in the season. And if it's not, it isn't as if she'd know the difference. Heck, at this point she's wildly entertained by a cardboard box in our living room.

Sounds like a MasterCard commercial, doesn't it?!

Thankful

2006-11-23T08:08:00.000-06:00

Today, I'm thankful for:

My sweet hubby, who makes me laugh, makes me think, and keeps me real.
My darling little girl, who dances and plays peek-a-boo like no one else.
My friends, who like me for me while challenging me to grow.
My parents, who have been supportive through all the craziness of my life.

I'm also thankful that there's a Thanksgiving potluck at our church so I don't have to cook the entire meal for just 3 people. All I have to do is bring one dish. Woo-hoo!

Wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, I encourage you to take a moment think about what you have to be thankful for.

What am I, crazy?

2006-11-22T19:27:00.000-06:00

I went to the store on the Wednesday afternoon before Thanksgiving. Yep, it was me and the 2000 other lunatics who aren't very good at reading a calendar and planning ahead. I hope this is not indicative of how I handle the rest of this holiday season.

Still working on being thankful

2006-11-21T21:54:00.000-06:00

The clutch in Paul's truck went out today. I had a doctor appointment smack in the middle of Jadyn's nap time and I had to take her with me. My shoulder has been in pain all day - to the point that I can't pick Jadyn up.

It hasn't been an overwhelmingly wonderful day. But I'm thankful that we have a second vehicle, that I have health care and insurance, and that I have a daughter to pick up in the first place.

Off Road

2006-11-20T20:50:00.000-06:00

I'm finally home - thankfully. Travelling alone with a toddler can be very exhausting. I'd post more, but I don't have much energy left.